Anything

2011-03-27T03:22:00.001-07:00

Today is the twenty-seventh of march two thousand and eleven and I am typing this entry in emacs (why do i like emacs ??). Ok anyways, where am I at this junction of my life??

Many years have passed since I first started thinking about what to do with my life. The description of the old gre/cat/job question i just read in my old blog entries was very revealing as to how less my thoughts have changed over such a long period of time.

But now I have tried and had disappointments in both areas (mba not even considered). But my target of 'losing hope' (in a recent blog entry ending) hasn't been complete. But yes I have lost some hope (though all credit for that goes to my luck and none to my efforts). Morever my dreams and stray thoughts have revealed that my mental state is still in part a schoolchild who adds a mystery to anything unknown but is unable to find why adults do the things they do, a college guy who doesn't care as he's not sure caring will help his future anyhow and hopes for a better future (has a pride that doesn't let him think of a lesser future but doesn't know it) and is really really really confused about what (visible) path to take in his future; and a dreamer who, unable to cope with reality, lives in a different world and has clouded his vision of the world with wishful thinking.

Ok now wishful thinking is something that distorts the view of reality for everyone. And it has been a difficult one to handle. When all your nice views about the world come crumbling down, you just can't take it. All this wishful thinking was developed by your mind as the genes required it to make for you a fancy world so that you would continue surviving and trying. Facing things as the way they is harmful for one's mental health. And it's something I have been trying (has been happening to me?) for some time now.

Most recent noted aspect of wishful thinking is perhaps my pride. Pride about my future. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to decide anything at all and have just wasted the last 2 years of my life doing nothing and will probably waste much more it. My pride also entails not agreeing to let things be the way they are and just continue existing handling one miserable day at a time. The first pride won't last long. Few more days maybe - last few breaths. But the latter part of my pride, I hope, will (out)last my lifetime.

Back to wishful thinking. (I am going to make up a few stories now.)

There was this dialogue (in 201 of 70's show?) by Ted when he had those rum cake (cake? what the the name? started with b?) :
Take whatever you want, it's not going to fill the hole in your life.

I think I have been trying to fill the hole in my life by trying to have a remarkable future. That would satisfy my pride and fill the hole (ya it would work, atleast for 2 years :)). But as the saying from fma goes :
Truth is what gives one the most fitting form of despair to insure them not to be conceited.

To think otherwise is to blind yourself, and when you do that you will not even know what hit you and will wonder for the rest of your life where you are.

Ok, so now where am I. Still at the same place. My mental faculties don't distinguish between my childhood self, college self and now self. To think that I am something else now is again wishful thinking. With my hopes in direct contradiction with the reality i have to live in each and every single day, how can i hope that my thoughts and my desires have logically evolved chronologically. They are a mish-mash of the past hopes and present circumstances, intertwined. I could say I am living in a non-chronological order. But what's wrong with it. In order to survive the child I was kept going inspite of the fact that he couldn't make sense of anything just like I can't accept the reality as it is now and continue to hope. It's no wonder that all this remains an unterminated episode in my mind though logically/according-to-reality it has terminated.

Again coming back to my pride: What gave me the right to even a single glass of water? And how can I assume I deserve better? Maybe survival skills again - doesn't everyone want better, hope better, fight for better? Maybe I am blaming myself too much. It's not my fault that I am miserable. It's just my sin (sin here by definition is something that leads to misfortune - so by that logic, being poor, week or unlucky are all sins.) And again, some more lines from fma (starting song) :
A sin doesn't end with tears
You have to suffer and carry the burden forever
Who are you waiting for in the labyrinth of your emotions,
with no exit in sight?

As I spelled them out in this blank notebook,
I want to release my true feelings more and more.
What do you want to escape from?
That thing called reality?

Really liked that series - that and doctor who - something good that happend after bits. Can't say it was total nothing. But aside from the life I lived through a computer screen, I doubt anything really happened.

Anyways coming back to the question i generally always talk about : what to do (next) ?

Que sera sera
whatever will be, will be
the future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

So i have tried an failed (tried? really?) and life still goes on. Now that I have also have little glimpses of my life past, I doubt my future can be any worse :). (Great benchmark that is, isnt' it?)

What is life:
A monk, being chased by a lion, runs off a cliff. He's lucky to grab a branch breaking his fall. He looks down and sees another lion leaping up missing him only by a few inches. Strandled between two beasts, he notices a branch next to the one he's grabing and it has strawberries. He grabs one with his free hand and puts it in his mouth. Chewing it slowly, he says "ummm... delicious".

2010-12-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, now this is my i guess first blog of this year, and in the last month !!
Last year's blog ended on 'lost hope'. Well have i lost hope. Well, a lot of it, but none of it is my doing. All credit goes to my life for taking it away. My wish for a 'simple life' where I can live and die the way I like even if it's a short life is gone. My wish for a decent life with a glimpse of the simple life is also gone. Maybe I just now wish to stay away from a very painful, miserable and long ending. Nothing more, but I don't even have hope for that. Just beacuse I want something to happen or not happen will not make it that way. My dreams and desires gone, I broke and submitted to the old dilemma. Finally apped and invested all my hopes in that. Worked too hard with so much hope invested in it. What for - for something with which my 'hope of something better in the future' only prolongs - for something while will make me only years older, doing tasks for 'trying' to escape from my misery while not realizing that those tasks are my misery. Now realising (now just with the left brain) that both sides of the outcome coin just imply me being older and less hopeful, I am now at a kinda peace.

My hope : to get into some place where I can continue my misery and get a job to pay me to prolong my life for even more misery. What else? Right now the aping hasn't completed. Eye operation in mind - don't know what is possible for my eye, if I will go through and if i do what will come of it, because I don't have any backup plans. My wishes to travel are now gone. Just want some time in peace. Have become so pathetic that I am now remembering my time in Pilani when I watched Memoirs of Geisha in a dark room (just after sleeping?) with exactly the right mood. On top of it, now that i have exhausted available series (having watched fma and doctor who many times now), I am watching friends, and worse actually enjoying it.

Just talked to akash, took lot of time as always, and now am even more sleepy but I think I want to continue writing. Just like the part of my brain that's saying, well you just have to go to office tomorrow so how does it matter if you waste this night or have headache. I can't even see properly at the screen, that's how sleepy my eyes are. That part of my brain is also saying, well you don't have any hope from life so how does it matter if doing something makes sense or not, is advisable or not, is worth it or not. Life is meaningless and so is my time.

Let's back up - 'lose hope'. Well as much as I want to, I still haven't. I have lost thing to invest hope in though. The only thing left is - events that will take turn now will introduce something which I can utilize to change my life, but my fear is my future will only be a shadow of my past. The meaninglessness of life will finally overcome my spanning of the visible dimensions of life which seems to be almost over. What will I have to live for, what dreams, what expectations, what reason to continue existing 2 years from now. What do I have now? None. That's the beauty of it. no desire, no hope, no vent for anger as my power is minuscule compared to the power of the world. As the geisha says, a geisha doesn't have the liberty of having hopes, is not allowed to dream and even if the dreams are deservable of a geisha, need not come true.

my only hope remains to find a suitable illusion to which I can adapt myself to continue living on. Well that point is why is my goal living on. Well simply because I have the hope that the future will be better. So it makes sense to live on. How stupid. well, whatever next year brings, i remain the same and so does the world. The world or my circumstances don't become any better just because I want them to.

It's amazing. I don't even know what 'better future' will be like. I am expecting a miracle of the kind that will bring me more that what life can offer. Fixating upon an impossibility, how do I expect to find anything but permanent frustration with temporary intermissions of excitement/happiness. With the hopes of simple life and travel gone, and with the uncertainties of apping results and lasik and home and career and all, I don't know what even the next moment will bring. What is wise and what is not all becomes mute at this point. The good go the bad go and the moon stays and watch. Good thing that it's inanimate, or it would die of meaninglessness. What is life but a way of keeping meat fresh. Well in human case it's more -> for people who need to survive first - it's struggle; for people of modern society - it's a place of hope - hope of money, success and all other stupid things that people to act on their whims that got created coz their life didn't make any sense in the first place.

Aah, no more of how fucked up people psyches are and how civilizations are the factories of crazyheads. The fact is I can't face the facts coz facing them means well, why the fuck I am living. Maybe once I face that fact I will be on my death trail, but i don't have hope in that area too, only fear, fear of surviving any suicide plan that I might concoct, or worse not being in a position where I can take my own life.

Pride, wisdom, morals, welfare, hope -- all seem so negative words now.

One thing that might make sense is an illusion. That's what drives people. A better job/home/wife/car/fridge/tax-planner/ipod/headphones => better life. coz they will improve the quality of life by bringing something new. And as soon as they come, the happiness is gone until the next outburst of life improvement by something good happening - promotion/good-grades/movie-tickets. All fun is created by expectations from the future in the present and all enjoyment is as real as mirage in a desert.

The fact of the matter remains, as long as I continue to exist I will just be acting according to the law of survival in nature. There is nothing good as bad, only survivors. They exist coz they exist. It doesn't make sense and it never will. I am just another particle in the steam. Just about to go. AS some quotes went : a pain collector racing towards oblivion.

Ok i think i am unbearably sleepy now and no new ideas seem to be coming to my head. So I will go on doing my duty like an ideal slave, the duty of collecting more and more pain .... and racing at a painfully slow pace towards oblivion ... as if my life is any better than oblivion now :) ... well it is coz it has the extra component called pain ...

It's been a painfully long journey and the desire to reach the destination has been snatched out of my heart, most likely along with my heart. The tree under which I wanted to rest instead of reaching the destination has been burnt and the sunrays are welcoming my burning flesh. People at the destination are saying - 'only after hardship come good rewards'. And I can only hope that they burn with me too.

So long ... and thanks ... well no thanks ... f*** thanks ... just so long .... so so very very long .....

2010-01-06T09:13:00.000-08:00

the tragedies of life

(ok i wanted to quote erich fromm here but ... don't remebeber and couldn't find, so will do so maybe later)

the tragedies of life are those where a person has to do/experiences beyond his own control and totally against his likings :
the subjugation of a weak country by a small country
the people living in poverty
a slave in a society 'demanding' equal rights
women in patriarchial system
concentration camps
etc. etc.

people today 'know' about the tragedies of life but 'choose' (consciously or unconsciously) to ignore them (otherwise it wud be too painful)
to have the strength to accept the tragedies of life gives a new perspective of life (which we keeping hearing in the words 'here and now' but words can't capture a feeling) -- a sweetness in life -- the sweetness of sorrow -- and the value of now -- it's beauty -- life becomes a trifling moment (don't know trilfing-meaning but ...) but a moment becomes your whole life in front of which nothing else matters ...

yesterday the frame of my specs broke and i realized the value of the 'spare' one i had ... and realized this is all it takes to END ... my life, my parents ... all it takes is a hit by a vehicle while crossing the road to be paralyzed for life ... and obviously many people just die of heartattack at very unexpected moments -- to realize my own death and my parent's gave me a superb appreciation for the now (well, the weather last night was awesome and i was experiencing the wind at the roof at those moments -- so i guess valuing the 'now' i can't totally credit on those thoughts) ...
it's not like one doesn't know about death ... everyone knows ... they ignore ... to realize about the tragedies inherent in the existence of human kind ... take strength (a lot?) ... and give a clearer picture of life ... (again this requires courage - afterall what better an enemy to stand against than your own defeat -- it's already there - you don't even have to be defeated :) ) ... love for your own live and for other's lives as well greatly increases by such realization ...

yes, death is a tragedy of life ... but would like to make a point here about the 'fear of death' as pointed out in erich fromm's book 'to have or to be':
as people today live predominantly in a 'having' mode of existence, they take a life as a 'possession' and it's this loss of life (as a thing they possess) that causes the for; for as noted by fromm in that book:

"since while we are, death is not yet here; but when death is here we are no more" - Epicurus

the 'fear of life' is lost once one doesn't see it as a possession but the tragic quality of 'ending of one's life' (and of others around him) remains not so much as a fear but giving the moments in his life much more meaning and joy than perhaps an immortal (or for that matter one whose chooses to ignore death) have ... the 'temporarity' of life makes it beatiful ... the imperfection of the world makes it a beatiful place ...

but death is not the only tragedy ... infact once you come to terms with it you ... it kinda loses it's tragic character ... but what about poverty ... what about being forced to do something against your will ... how do you comes to terms with it .... :
1. get used to it ... accept it as a way of life ... (or else risk death; being an outcast from the society etc.) - (and eventually try to ignore, consciously or unconsciously, those facts of life)
2. face it and try to change it ... or face the fact that one 'cannot' change it ....

usually if the 'force' under which one is is overwhelmingly strong one tends to surrender ... like a having weight on an walnut (akhroat?) breaks it down ... the individual's will has to be completely broken down if he's to be 'dominated' upon ...

second option ... facing it and trying to change it ... or accepting not being able to change it is far too difficult ...

first facing the difficulties .... oh wait i have to write the 4 buddhist principles now :) (modified, by erich fromm):

1. we are suffering and are aware that we are
2. we recognize the origin of our ill-being
3. we recognize that there is a way for overcoming our ill-being
4. we accepth that in order to overcome our ill-being we must follow certain norms for living and change our present practise of life

this gives the 'see, realize, take action' for changing what can can in your life ... but what about something you cannot change .. or even those that are just too difficult to change ...

the problem is first with estimating the difficulties of a problem ... we as children are taught to 'obey', 'follow the rules' and 'have fun' -- and also avoid some kinds of risks while taking others ... mostly the ones that others have taken and succceded while avoiding others ...
if we get stuck in the same thinking ... we will underestimate as well as overestimate ourselves ... (in different things though not unrelated; infact completely interwoven with each other)

we tend to get frustrated by things we 'cannot' do - like say but a big house on the salary one has; to have a nice wife; to go on a long and expensive vacation and all ... here i think we get frustrated coz we kinda say to ourselves - you cud have done better in job and had a better rank - could have studie from a better mba univ. etc .. - we try to change somehow (by the mind kinda trying to tinker with the past?) what cannot be changed -- this is a kinda over-estimation .... once we 'see', really 'see' that we can't do anything about it (and these frustration might be more about 'what we cud have done' than 'what isn't there') ... these go away as the craving to do something about it goes away ...

there is another overestimation (and an under-estimation for that matter) where you yourself aren't able to judge yourself and have to rely on external sources for that (for me that would most prominently be the people around me and to some extent 'the society') :

The fox

A fox looked at his shadow at sunrise and said, “I will have a camel for lunch today.”
And all morning he went about looking for camels. But at noon he saw his shadow again—and he said, “A mouse will do.”

-- Khalil Gibran

(ok now have to go to office to have lunch :), (11:50 am now); will write when i get back :) , tuesday or wednesday i guess)

continuation: (actually a continuation but as i am writing this on sunday night - dec 20 ... will call it part 2)

ok althouugh i am not in the same 'strike'/'mood' i was writing this ... i have 'fear' and 'running away' (by seeing lotsa eps of 70's show ?) with me right now ... so will draw from them ... (and depression ?)

ok, so far we have seen that recongnizing the things that can or can't be changed in life is limited by over and under estimation; this estimation, being human, is not totally rationally, infact can be completely irrational ...

shyness ... for example is a weird thing ... one can be too 'shy' to talk to someone ... though one knows no harm can come out of it .... it might actually be healthy and all but ... still one chooses not to talk ... that's irrational (though some kinda fear might be there)

the problem of overestimation and underestimation is so superbly increased if we consider how we actually use heuristics and emotions in the process of estimating ourselves ('the fox' already describes beautifully what happends when we delegate this job to 'external sources')

heuristics in estimation

"That guy has been the same 'study' path as i have been and assuming i do as well as he did, which wasn't too hard, i must have this much money by then" - simple heuristic ... not too hard too think ... what's easier than following someone's path ...

"No i am too young for opening my own business, i don't even know the abc's ... it's too much pressure and risk" (and in the mind there could be the un'said/un'thought thought that 'why can't i just be -normal- like all others')

"what should i choose to do in life ... hmmm.... what do others do ... hunh... will do a job after doing ms/mba/phd and do well and progress in it and earn 'name' for myself in the field ... what should be the purpose of life ... hmmm ... what do others have ... hunh .. be successful, have a happy family and have fun ... what more could a man ask for .... ok now that the important and impractical questions of the life are dealt with i should start preparing for mba and spend next two year of life in 'practical' concerns like how to increase the productivity of a company that sells 'anti-obesity' pills for the welfare of the planet ... "

emotions
fear/cowardice
- 'are you (am i) mad - going to do this - seriously'
- 'like you will succeed'
- 'why can't you just be normal'
- 'i better take the more reliable and trusted path'
- 'that is just too much considertation and most likely will not even succeed'
- 'you are going to risk the 'security' you have right now for THAT???'
- 'what will people think ?'
- 'if i fail, i will be a joke'
- 'what will i have to fall back upon if i fail'
- 'i don't even have any idea of what i wanna do' (and am waiting like 'neo' for a 'morpheous' to come and give me the kungfu powers :) )
- 'what bad is life like this ?'
- 'you know what happens to people who try to be -extra- smart'

refuge (the cowardice creates a sense of 'impotency' one needs to hides from and needs some kind(s) of physchological 'refuge')
- tv serials and movies (my prominent one - makes you 'live' and 'experience the adventures' that are absent from your own life)
- drugs, alcohol, smoking (haven't done that but from my experience with previous point this should be 'fun' and 'working' in hiding your lack of life)
- success in work (you try to be a splendid and make up for what you lack as life in the 'appreciation', 'recongition' and 'popularity'/'pride' (and money) of being successful
- making a lot of money (the mind subconsciously tell itself 'hey i have the power (money), who says i don't')
- excessive spending/consumption (let me buy a super suit that i will just wear once/ let me get a new car every year ... let's eat at a super-expensive restaurant every weekend)
- sexual addiction
- eating a lot of food (hmm... yummy...)
- sadistic and masochistic feeling (as in 'dominating' and 'surrender'/'being dominated')
- popularity (it's wonderful how many people just get excited by the idea of 'coming on tv' even if it's just new or the foto coming in a newspaper - 'you know my friend was just sitting there and got her photo in the newspaper - she had no idea even :)'
)

These heuristics and emotions do the 'work' for us 'fast' coz we don't want to spend so much time trying to figure out what kinda life we want and try to change it so it becomes that way -- we would rather be doing more 'practical' and 'interesting' things - like working our ass off for 'being successful' and 'paying the emi for the home loan' - yeah it wud take years - everyone knows that - you can't just get a house in months you know (but ofcoure the answer to 'what i want in life' and 'how to get it' have to be answered in a few minutes .... and people assume you know - they ask 'you don't even know what you wanna do with your life, come on you are 24 - you should have decided by now!' and yes there's the 'what everyone does' normal healthy card which gives your life a purpose and direction that is ready to choose ... you just have to decide the flavour ... or maybe the flavour chooses
you :) )

"There exists no more difficult art than living. For other arts and sciences, numerous teachers are to be found everywhere. Even young people believe that they have acquired these in such a way, that they can teach them to others: throughout the whole of life, one must continue to learn to live and, what will amaze you even more, throughout life one must learn to die."
-- Seneca (found the quote in 'The Sane society')

so it comes down to this - we should know when we are judging ourselves (as in when thinking about what we cud change in the past); how we are doing it (external sources/ heuristics and emotions) and the time we are giving to it (a few minutes !!)

one thing i left here is the context in which we judge ourselves for there's the question " why are you even judging yourself " -- i will get rid of it here by only 'juding oneself in the questions concering one's damn life and what to do with it and all' and leaving all others (even ones about job/marriage for one 'needs' the 'assumption' that these are essential parts of life to 'tap' the only judgement space i am concerned with)

now how does one 'judge' oneself objectively and realistically ... well ... i don't know .... you are either able to or not ... as simple as that .... or maybe you can judge how much you can judge had you had that piece of information ... etc ....

but if you are not able to 'judge' yourself properly how do you decide if you should 'fight back' the fear/tragedy in your life -- or even if you can or cannot change it ?

may be you can't ....

you can't always see throught the distances ...

maybe you'll judge better if you go a little further ... you will have 'better judgement' of vehile controls once you start driving .... you'll have better vision of the road once you complete the turning ... and maybe when you go further you will realize you are at a desert that disconneted off the entire remaining planet with no chance of rescue ...

we, in this modern world, are so used to 'knowing' our lives years from now (not exactly but like 'i will be working or maybe studying') that we can't bear the 'uncertainity' of 'doing thing for ourselves' -- people have 'retirement plans' -- "hmmm.... i shud be saving this much for my son's/daughter's wedding ... i earn this much ... and assuming monthly expenditures of so and so .... i can afford saving for the wedding but have to cut down my movies and vacations a bit" --- now that's certainity ....

you should try to see through the distances but know that you can't do so always and even when you do it can be a little foggy

so you just push the gears and take refuge in 'hope' ??

no ... you do what you 'know' and let the rest be taken care of itself ... you do this everyday ...
you put a bottle on the table ... and it doesn't fall 'through' the table ... if it did 'fall through' ... well you would be more 'careful' (how?) the next time ... when you drive with how much certainity do you know you'll reach your destination alive ... when you put your money in the bank ... how sure are you it's safe (here obviously you use 'common' wisdom) ...

again the point comes back ... you can control somethings but not others ... and what can you control ... that knowledge itself is thus divided ... you live (/ have lived) your life through constant feedback (although now you are just used to and prefer the 'easy' path of just continuing the way you are used and know 'works')

walking a path paved by others requires no special effort ... just follow ... do what others do ... want what others want ... you'll fit in ... OR ... try to live the way you want to by trying a completely untested path ... tough choice ... but mostly coz of lack of courage for the latter ...

" paths are made by walking "

being alone

as humans, we come pre-installed with the fear of being alone ... that's why perhaps people are so programmed to fit in ... but the fear of being alone isn't so unreasonable ... being together with others is perhaps what defines life (or one of the main components)

"happiness is not real unless shared" -- Into the wild

one component of the fear of making a path by walking is that you alone walk that path ... you have no humsafar ... and even if you do so physically (spouse etc.) ... the path is more of a life-path which you still walk alone

but more than that i wanna talk about another important thing - being connected to others ... can you go take on a life-path that in it's destination doesn't include genuine relatedness to others -- don't think so

some of my goals, ex-goals, were fuzzy and there seemed like ... what if i even reach there but am alone ....

" dil tarse jisme pyar ko kya samjhoon us sansaar ko
ik jeeti baazi haar k main dhoondun bichde yaar ko"

similar to wanting the relatedness of others is the human desire to 'do' ... do be involved with the world around him in a productice (not like in producing a result but in erich fromm's sense) and self-exploring and fullfilling manner ...

but the wish to 'do' is suppressed today ... what we see now is 'keeping your busy/occupied' -- give the kids some thing to 'do' -- to keep them occupied so that they 'develop' skills -- am too bored ... let's do something to kill time

similary the need for relatedness is replaced by 'company' -- you are in the 'company' of your friends, relatives and all ... if you are really 'with' them ... then why does today's man feel so alone ?

but the fear of aloneness can't be suppressed as the desire for activity ... infact people would prefer a totally nutcase but 'connecting to people' attitude/mindset than none at all ....

to have to choose between 'a life you want' and people is not really a choice coz a life you want neccessarily includes people ... but what if all the other components of it require you to do things that you aren't certain will not leave you alone ...

again coming to the movie 'into the wild' - the main guy wanted to live 'naturally'

"careers are a 20th century invention and I don’t want one" -- into the wild

but ended up being alone ... what good was that ??

again i don't know how to tackle this problem ... but constant feedback ... you get to know alongside doing ... but main problem is 'can you face imminent death (defeat)'

" ab waqt failse ka nazdeek aa gaya hai
kya failsa karoon main dil ne to ye kaha hai
dil dil dil ne to ye kaha hai

jeene ka hai shounk to marne ko hoja taiyaar"

today's man is like a new-born who is too afraid to try to walk ... has no one to teach him how to ... and worst of all - has the option of living his entire life breast-feeding without learning how to walk ...

if what we want is the fullfillment of a goal ... then we will be afraid and might weigh the the option of 'not trying it' better than 'trying our best and failing', coz, for example, we might just live our life, if even little, if we go the commong way ...

this problem is a feature of the mode of 'having' where you have to achieve a certain state of life to be happy ... and that state is generally always in the future (except for few lucky ones who do achieve what they want) ...

god didn't give you legs to 'reach somewhere', he gave you legs to walk :

"Keep walking,
though there’s no place to get to.

Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.

Move within
but don’t move
the way fear makes you move."

--Rumi

I want to add one things to the last 'fear' point by a sentence from steve pavlina's site :

"He’ll surrender to fate when necessary, but he won’t surrender to fear."

and to the 'don't try to see throught the distances' - i wudn't say to -- i wud say 'try to' but don't expect to see the whole distance (or even a bit for that matter)

the problem with trying to 'achieve a goal' is that the results, not the actions, matter - and then you think - is that what i want really ... is it worth the efforts ... is it worth giving up the 'moments of life' i might live just continuing like this -- what if trying to do that just make me frustrated and i don't really achieve anything ... again the culprit is the 'mode of having' -- you don't have to reach anywhere you are already there ... it's the restlessness of the organs that god has given you ... your legs are asking you to walk ... they don't wanna go anywhere ... but neither do they wanna remain here ... all you want is to live ... nothing less nothing more ... there is no goal ... just restlessness ... like the new born bird first trying to spread it's wings ... the problem with us though might be that we might be in a cage with this restlessness being with us till death ...

"umr bhar ye mere dil ko tadpaiga
darde dil ab mere saath hi jaiga"

so the problem is trying to 'achieve a goal' coz the actions then don't flow out of love but out of, say, desperation to achieve something, a state of living where things make sense, but the path till there is a stranger and full of misery ...

"When you do things from your soul, you feel a river
moving in you, a joy.

When actions come from another section, the feeling
disappears.

...

If you could leave your selfishness, you
would see how you've

been torturing your soul. We are born and live inside black water in a well.

How could we know what an open field of sunlight is? Don't
insist on going where

you think you want to go. Ask the way to the spring."

-- Rumi

you have to love life to live life

"Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded.
Someone sober will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be." -- Rumi

(continued on Some (>=24) Dec)

Ok if i ended above that would be the perfect ending, but i wanna continue for i have left a very important part of tragedy : the defeated soul ... if i ended above it would make me wanna move ... but i don't wanna get all unrealistic and start 'asking for the spring' :) -- let us look into the eyes of the beast called 'defeat' first -- and learn it's power

but obviously from a distance - for i don't really have the power to accept that i won't be able to do anything in my life - i can't look into it's eyes directly ... so from a distance

poverty first ... well the person is too much in misery and too involved in taking care of the problems; so not much to talk here; and also i can't really 'imagine' the misery

torture ... hmm... there's something nice ... death as a 'threat' won't work remotely as well as torture can ... death means end ... torture is ongoing continuing pain ... which after some time you would just wanna end ... torture is the heat with which the rod of human will can be bended according to wish ...
if the beast of 'defeat' kills you or something similar; you can look it in the eyes; but if it takes you to constantly torture you -- that's miserable ...

it's easy to be a martyr when you can think 'you have nothing to lose' (or maybe you place 'doing nothing in case of nation needing you' worse than the 'loss of you by your family, etc.'); but constant torture can make turn the tables - 'you keep on losing and losing' until your soul melts and ... you accept your defeat in a manner totally opposite to a martyr ... you lose any respect for yourself ... this is the real beast of defeat ... it doesn't ask that you get ready to die (marne ko hoja taiyaar) ... but that you are stripped of the things you have as a part and parcel of 'you' - your life, love, respect for yourself, everything ... you start to envy becoming a non-living thing (that reminds me of some lines of 'mere dushman' song)

something not in line with the flow but in my mind so will get it out ... something i defined as 'bad luck' in my ps1 was a situtation where you can't do anything to make yourself happy .... that's 'defeat' :

" doobne waale ko tinke ka sahara hi bahut
dil bahal jaaye fakat itna ishara hi bahut
itne par bhi aasmaan wala giraade bijliyaan
koi batlaade zara ye doobta fir kya kare"

That's defeat ... you have all your options closed and left to drown while the beast laughs it's heart out ... add torture to that and you could be 'offered' tikas and sticks to help you outa water ... seemingly in your reach but never so ... giving you hope so that you can be disappointed again in a grander manner ...

what to do when looking in the eyes of this beast ... that doesn't want you to lose and be able to accept it ... the beast that's not just fate ... but one that actually wants you to make so weak that you lose even to fear ... or maybe are left incapable of experiencing fear or any other human emotion except self-loathe

then there's one more beast - the beast of indifference .... the beast that doesn't really care of giving you something to fight :)

the thing i have in mind is 'a fish in a fish bowl' - a bowl that just has plain water and the fish. What life does the fish have ?? - it has the same body as other fishes in the wild waters but as someone said ... you experience a new organ in yourself when you interact with the world around you ... how many organs/possibilities/experience-varities were possible for that fish -- the fish will never know ... it doesn't have any beast of defeat to look into the eyes of ... it doesn't even have any hopes or fears ... what if i am a fish in a 'decorated aquarium' - enough to keep the mind occupied till death but not offering any real posibility - except for the possibility of losing ... or if i am lucky of 'fighting till the end of my life'

when you ask a problem, you expect a solution, how about this problem : 'give a problem that has no solution' -- either you can't solve this or the one you give ... (althought this problem has the 'conceptual hazards' of self-reference)

the above tragedies (torture, bad-luck and an indifferent-fate) seem like such a problem ... am asking the problem ... am saying something like this -- " see here you can't do anything ... that's real tragedy .... now what do we in a situation like this"

well if you could answer that .. it wouldn't be 'real' tragedy ... :) ... but i will still answer that with what comes to my mind

one answer is you don't have to do anything ... fate will tear you apart, rebuild you with a fabric unknown to you ... you won't be human anymore ... someone that the people suffering in hell will take pity on ... you will be powerless ... just enough power to keep reminding you of your powerlessness ... you won't be able to die ... if suffering would be amalgamated as a god it would fear you with all it's guts ... (obviously this doesn't apply to the 'indiffernt fate' strategy although for that to be a tragedy you will need to know what you don't have and/or can't do -- that's kinda a torturing god ... but cud be less severe in the 'torture' methods)

another answer is - be a traitor -- look into the eyes of the demon and when you get scared look away or close your eyes ... be afraid and ask for forgiveness ... give your soul away so that you might live ... not as the individual with integrity which you were or were aiming for ... but as modified individual who has lost his soul and has been replenished by the devil with an artificial one ... you might not be a human anymore ... but are now a powerful homunuculus ... someone who looks human but whose core is inhuman ... a devil-powered stone ... you (the traitor) takes refuge in sex, might, domination, torturing others with the same or similar kinda satisfaction the devil had while torturing you, giving false hopes to others just to see their faces when it all blows up in their face ... you become a 'man of the devil'
(again the indifferent-fate's god/devil doesn't care ... you are just miserable without being a man of god or devil)

i will hopefully continue tommorow as i have to sleep now ...

one interesting thing to note is that i can figure out the 'defeated soul'/'traitor' features without going there for i have seen them in me, in life (and on tv :) ) -- but people have (or atleast seem to have) these features -without- being a defeated soul.

let's look at the miserable tendency ... no self-respect ... living as if dragging one's life ... having no enthusiasm for the good in life ... neither any hate against the troubles or the bad ... does one really need to be a defeated soul for that ? ... may not someone whose rod of 'will' is bended instantly by the defeat beast but by -time- which bended it slowly and steadily without need of heat ... (i can imagine myself as a robot (emotionally) in the future (20 years from now ?) without much feelings except may of 'thrill'/'fun' that are so manufactured and required in the present society)

one question that comes to my mind is if this miserable tendency is something of a sort of psychological refuge that keeps oneself in safe in - from the inhuman/boring world outside ... animals develop a thick skin in the harsh winters ... humans develop an indifferent and 'being miserable' attitude in a similar fashion ... well maybe that is so ... and seems so ... so is this generated by fear ... fear makes you think about what bad could come outa something ... this attitude doesn't care ... you are like the god of the 'indifferent-fate' - a fate you prefer to give yourself than engaging in the otherwise seemingly harsh atmosphere outside ... you are either a defeated soul or prefer living that way ...

one more thing ... you don't need to look into the eyes of defeat to be afraid of it ... you can be a traitor in advance ... why would one give up his own humanity for something like survival (and other pathological pursuits the devil might have to offer) ? - one answer from biology comes to mind -- survival insticts

in the starting people who had to kill animal for their meat lived in a 'kill or be killed' atmosphere ... the need for survial was utmost ... and nature installed fear into man for that need ... as it had in other species ... fear is not a curse but a gift from nature ... but fear comes as the 'default' attitude when dealing with things ... so that you don't require thinking ... but then you think and might 'act against fear' - that's courage ... the primitive man when killing beast with his spears was courageous ... so is perhaps an animal mother trying to prevent her kids from predators ...

listing fear as something pre-installed ... another related things comes to mind ... 'hope' ... does it come pre-installed ... do other animals feel hope ??? - ok i don't know if they do ... maybe living in the jungle you have to do instead of being hopeful ... maybe 'hope' is pre-installed but becomes active in a more civilized/complicated environment (the wild keeps the 'organ' of 'hope' inactive) ... mankind has lived with hope atleast from the time agriculture began i guess ... for from then he would have to 'hope' for the rains ... hope that no natural disaster occurs ... in kings' times ... hope that one's home/region doesn't get raided ... that one is able to live atleast a very simple and humble life without someone coming and distorting it ... maybe that's when 'i want my kid to become so and so (an intellect who's away from fighting/ a simple person who has only simple desires in life)' came into being with that same attitude people trying to install within themselves .... hope in all the things i listed here comes as a fighting mechanism against fear for the enemy being fought against is too enormous to even consider fighting ... the army and the natural calamities ... hope is the refuge when you have nothing else

prayer is something that relies heavily on hope (and beleif in power of the supernatural) -- you don't know what to do or know you can't do anything ... but then you pray ... your belief in higher powers might not be strong enough but hope makes up for it ... you really wish something would go your way ...

again it comes to whether hope is as natural as fear ?? - perhaps it is ... perhaps animals feel it too when they move around with each other ... they might 'hope' that no one attacks seeing they are all in a big group ... or when they sleep in not a very friendly neighbourhood ... they might have 'hope' that they will wake up alive ... i don't know ... but hope - as i was writing about it .. seemed more negative than fear ... for fear can be fought with courage ... but hope can't be fought against ... it's a feeling of powerlessness against a very powerful enemy ... it's the ostrich putting it's head in the ground and hoping the predator disappers ... hoping doesn't change anything ... hoping doesn't come as a default behaviour in certain situations but as if a last resort .. when you wish for a power higher than yourself to fight that enemy with power higher than yourself ... hope seems positive in only one aspect ... it gives you something to hold on to and not go insane/'freaked out' for that time ... and perhaps recover later on -- but what about 'hope in the future' ... when you feel life is not right currently but will improve with time ... here time is the higher power ... hope's positive function is giving you something to hold on to ... it's negative aspect is to make you believe in the powers of future so much that you stop any attemps from your side ... it's good only as long as it provides you a -temporary- thing to hold on to ... if you can later recognize that 'hoping in the future' is way of justifying your inaction and cowardice ... but more often than not, it seems, it will lead to inaction

ok i will stop with hope here coz as i keep on writing it seems more and more of a negative thing to me ... and i don't wanna change my common-sense thinking ... :)

so where was i ... yes traitor instincts as survival instincts ... ok so what's wrong with being a traitor when you get to survive as compared to going there and getting defeated ??

first but ... to be a traitor in advance you need to have the devil's core instead of a soul .. or maybe in place so that it could be replaced ... you already have a 'second personality' as a homunculus ready with you ... and when the devil comes ... you just say 'wait a second' ... and poof ... you are his man :)

so here the traitor personality is more than just survival insticts ... i will have to perhaps go into the 'evil' nature of man ... though here the 'evil' is not something in my mind as a beast wanting to rip you off ... but like a denatured egg that can't go back to it's previous state ... it might take relish in making others feel powerless but will do it as a result of his own powerlessness ... an evil that doesn't need that kinda things might be more 'civilized' (the fuhrer in fma2 comes to mind) - someone 'proud' of his powers, achievements and 'different than human' existence, 'more rational', 'more adapted to survival' attitude

leaving your humanity towards 'better' things could transform you ... the transformation might be painful but you 'come out a new being' ... there could be other reasons for the transformation - you could be able to do things you weren't able to do beforehand ... and you might fare them better than your present situation ... what good is a peace-loving, loving human if he's just a small nice plant standing just to be wiped out by the giant wave ... what if he's offered to be a dam ... that could prevent the wiping out of other such plants thought might kill his being as he knows it ... that's a 'human' reason to be non-human (am avoiding use of the word inhuman as a non-human need not be inhuman ... thought he's not humane either) ... you might take the strong-making pill for yourself even ... maybe if you 'survive' as a dam ... you might become a plant again ... even thought the boiled egg's proteins are denatured you can never know if it can be turned back again ...

jan 3 now (last writing was some <= dec 30 ?) although i would like to know about the human ablility to be non-human, i wanna talk more about the human side ... while a person still has his soul ... his time is his and can be lived ... perhaps with some fight given to fate for obtaining more time ... a departure from the main line of thought but ... how does it matter if you live or die ... if you succeed or not ... if you are happy or sad ... if the society can become better or not ... maybe you'll die and the society will half become better only to be distroyed by man-made or natural calamites later ... maybe millenia later new perfect societies will live and die only by will ... like a ripened fruit ... (but in the end, it doesn't even matter) ... maybe you'll succed and be happy ... maybe you'll try and be defeated ... maybe you won't even try and lead a fun-filled frustrated life ... how does it even matter ... mankind assumes his race to be the best ... the 'final product' of evolution ... so vain (idea from book 'ishmael' by daniel quinn) ... time goes on ... wiping planets and solar systems and other things ... it rains and the earth gets wet ... the frustrations of life make people go to the refuges ... the good is man's hope ... the bad his problems ... but the world around knows nothing of man's hopes and problems ... things fall ... move around ... go here and there ... and there's this wonderful thing called life ... plants, butterflies, moths, grasshoppers, insects, birds, peacocks, penguins, cats, other animals and the stupid human at the top of this food chain i wanted to write about time and how futile life seems around it (and death) ... about how seeing death like this makes a new view (although not 'logically' new as it was always around) which just progressing towards death by just going thrugh life wont' do but i went astray and talked about world and life ... will give it another try (the thoughts are not fresh as i had them some 2 days ago ?) life comes and goes, countries comes and go, societies come and go, why do people still try to achieve aims ... death is like shouting at them from the distance ... it doesn't even matter ... but they don't listen ... keeping themselves busy in the stupid dance of daily life ... they aim themselves in the direction of their goals ... to declare themselves winners if they hit the target and losers otherwise ... but they go ... with time ... the world changes ... the pursuits change and their wish might even go away ... civilisations live in dread ... in fear ... in material abundance but spiritual poverty ... and different ways ... what's better what's not but just another thing in time's play ... like it will wither the big rock that will go to stones finding it's way to the river to be taken to someother place and find itself as a smooth pebble in some well later .... the civilisations are also shaped by time ... but this man, atleast today's, in all his vanity has his concepts of success and failure ... not seeing his futility in time and even more the futility of his own actions in his life ... he goes on ... again i kinda got off track coz the time and death giving futility thougth lead to the following : but all that matters is now ... now is the only thing you can experience ... infact now can be defined as the moment you experience ... no other definition does ... the world is what you experience ... you are how you experience the world and what you do with it ... the 'now' has all the importance in life, life which by itself stands with more importance than all of time ... so what matters is the now and YOU but how futile to spend your life wasted in things that don't matter ... another thought i had quite in line with the above was how futile were pride and shame : how does it matter if you die a traitor or have lived as a proud warrior ... civiizations have lived as slaves and as masters ... time goes on ... so beautiful is this time ... you might have surrendered beforehand or have progressed afar ... you might have even become a slave of a new species ... you might just die the next day or maybe never getup ... things come and go ... it matter to me if i die as a traitor to life or not coz it comes with shame and being successful in living comes with pride ... what is this shame ... it's the 'mooh dikhane k kabil nahi raha', the inability to face fellow-people and your own self for their (and/or your own) expectations you couldn't fullfill ... isn't it enough that the devil defeated you that you have to take in this shame too ... what were you more afraid of when you were looking in the devil's eyes ... the defeat or the shame that would accompany it ... i, in my thinking was more focused on shame as is clear in saying 'defeated soul' ... it doesn't focus on the fact that the soul was defeated although literally it says that only and nothing else ... it focuses on the shame accompanying it ... the defeated soul bring into mind the picture of a person who's given up hope on life and is living in such a way that he might be better dead ... a person who fought fate and lost and is going to live with his shame for the rest of his life - the shame of not having met his own expectations ... the devil just defeated but the shame is totally man's own fault (or maybe the devil installs it in humans :) ) what is this shame ... what purpose does it serve ... maybe in primitive socities someone unable to kill a beast for food and hence having the people spend the night with less/no food would feel shame - for not having met the people's expectation ... and would feel pride when he caught an exceptionally fierce animal ... pride and shame might have, like fear, worked in the survival of mankind as a whole and what is this pride ... the feeling of having accompalished something ... would the accomplished thing hold no value if this pride wasn't there ... maybe it would, but pride makes it more than a thousand-fold ... pride is the 'real' accomplished thing ... again what is pride if not a hole-filler ... a hole created when one devotes one's life energies into something futile to meet someone's expectations (could be one's own) ... that hole is filled by this artificial feeling called pride ... without which the person might stare at the hole and say 'what have i been doing that for?' - what do i have now ... what the heck ... and the same things when unsuccessful give the feeling of shame ... you fear shame ... envy those with pride ... and feel proud of having done something ... maybe they were (or even are) good for the progress (what's that?) of the civilisation but what are they at an individual level ... something installed in one by the society for the progress of the society ... they are as futile as they come when standing the test of time and death ... in the primitive societies a person feeling shame would be sympathised by the society ... taken pity on ... and might be able to live on for the remaining time ... living like that or perhaps proving himself later by an act of courage ... those with pride had accomplished things which where the role model of society which people would envy ... (seriosly these feeling seem boring) whatever role these feeling might have had in society and whatever might even be the positive aspects for an individual that i can't think of right now ... right now i feel like i want both pride and shame out of my life ... isn't it enough that a soul is defeated that it should feel shame too ... and if having something isn't good enought that it needs to be supplemented with pride, maybe you should reconsider devoting your life energies to it ... the 'staying away' from the advance traitor position also comes from the fear of shame ... although being a traitor to life would mean having a non-human component in you ... what's the fear of defeat ... what the 'looking forward' for a good time ... you live ... you might be unhealthy or totally fit ... sad/unhappy/depressed or whatever ... life goes on ... time goes on ... la la la la la ok so summing up now ... even if do higher studies and be known or be successfull and rich or just a lazy, poor failure sitting on his ass ... it doesn't matter ... i want pride and shame outa my life ... and maybe what i need more than anything it to get rid of this 'hope' that's the cause of my inaction (inaction, which further presents it's requirements for hope, both reinforcing each other) right now that's only a rational thougt ... if i really feel i need to get hope out, maybe i will ok now getting back to the main river of thought ... where were we ya, a homunculus. having seen pride and shame more clearly (or so it seems) the picture of defeated soul and success is more clearer ... now let's look at the homunculus components ... the weapons of the devil that make one surrender perhaps without even trying ... i don't know why but i feel like i should list the seven deadly sins here (the homunculus in fma) : pride ( and shame, though shame is not enlisted as a deadly sin) envy (those who don't have look to those who have) gluttony (understanding it as act of consumption - consuming everything - food, movies, lectures, new technologies, jokes - in the way erich fromm tells about consuming in today's society) lust sloth greed wrath ok so what makes for an advance traitor : fear -> survival -> profit (greed) of giving up (ok so i needn't have listed all seven :) )

seeing in an advance traitor i see someone trying to do something but not courages enough and who has some lust for the non-human profits of givings up

a full homunculus will not see the eyes of defeat as a failure to live ... coz first it doesn't wanna live ... in human sense of the word 'live' ... and second .. it takes 'rational' decisions ... if giving up to defeat gives it more oppurtunites it will take that ... (the beast of defeat, then dissappointed will have to look for someone more human, perhaps with shame still properly installed in him)

the full homunculus doesn't seem to deserve being talked about though maybe i should how much of that i am already but don't know ... and the advance traitor personality doesn't seem to have been explored enough ... but i don't feel like talking about them right here ... i feel like talking about life

life ... the only thing worth living for :)

so now you wanna live but have some problems associated ... a kinda life that requires some thing out of you that are not so compatible with life ... coz perhaps you can't replace them coz they are needed for survival or coz you don't know what to replace them with ... how to replace the dead component with the live ones ... coz you have experienced life much except in some 'moments' which some email-forwards give so much importance to

ok now i feel like merging to the main topic ... tragedies -> the beast of defeat -> looking into his eyes

getting rid of pride and shame, seeing losing to the beast in winning in their true faces we come back to what we can control and what we can't ...

you walk everyday yet how much of that is in your control ... you want to lift a leg ... you think in your brain which sends signals to you legs (isn't it great that those links don't break up once in a while) ... the muscles then do their job (are 'you' the one doing it ??) then you take a step ... on solid ground ... what if it were a gasy planet like jupiter ... well you wouldn't be there to begin with ... that's not a planet on which humans could have evolved ... you can't imagine what you have seen as 'ordinary' in your life ... what you experience perhaps on a daily basis ... to be having most of it's components beyond your control ... coz they have worked always the same way ... they have become automatic for you ... why does every one have two eyes on the same level above the nose and below forehead ... why does a something not go through another without breaking through ? ... why haven't you died till now (coz if you had you wouldn't be asking that question) ... people who put money in stock market have so much play of emotions even though all they control is getting in and coming out ... you don't have control over anything, this might be your last moment ... earth might be distroyed by some planetary calamity ... maybe you'll lose everything and everyone you have but remain alive ... in this rapidly changing world 'jahan ik khilona hai insaan ki hasti' we don't control anything (yet it's wonderful how 'secure' people feel and how much importance 'security' has taken place in today's lives)

you were born human - beyond your control ... you have working legs,eyes and all - beyond your control ... you are at standing at middle of an empty road -- are circumstances in your control ? -- it's raining - beyond your control ... you look up - all those face-musclue-etc movements beyond your control -- the rain falls on you - you enjoy -- everything beyond your control yet that enjoyment truly yours ... the only thing truly yours ... even more than your own body parts ...

the enjoyment, the joy and the pain and the suffering - the only things truly yours - the love, even the hate ... life in it's more naked version ... free of artificial feeling like pride ... rid of all illusion of time but now ... is the only thing truly yours

ok now that again should be good enough ending but am going to make things bad .. again ...

one component of cowardice i see in me (except the hope-inaction thing) is the readiness to compromise
before having even lit the candle to see just a bit of what's around me and taking a first, most likely random, step in some direction - i am ready to compromise ...

"reform can be radical, that is, going to the roots, or it can be superficial, trying to patch up symptoms without touching the causes. Reform which is not radical, in this sense, never accomplishes its ends and eventually ends up in the opposite direction.

...

The true criterion of reform is not its tempo but its realism, its true "radicalism"; it is the question whether it goes to the roots and attempts to change causes—or whether it remains on the surface and attempts to deal only with symptoms."
-- Erich Fromm

i feel like if i even not think about compromising, my direction will not be true reform but will do enough to calm my restlessness ... it will make my miserable life bearable perhaps removing a little misery too ... but i won't be courageous enough to look into the beast called defeat

compromise might be something like this -- accomodating lively components in life while retaining the dead ones that are required (or supposedly required) for going on through life

facing reality would be (seems) totally out of the deal ... don't think am strong enough ... i might face death but my own true self along with my limitations and the general opposing trends of society ... that's not going to happen ...

let's try to face reality :

maybe the first thing i need to get rid of is the comfort of inaction, i need to get rid of all hopes and for once in my life, Panic !
I should panic, for all my life will be lost like sands through my hand if i don't take action, the actions that don't allow any compromise (though compromise might tear through my action, it won't be there by my consent) ... even after writing this ... i don't feel any panic ... like i said, logically knowing something to make sense and really feeling it are two different things ... maybe if i really feel here i will make a move ... and see success and failure, even defeating of soul ... but is just removing hope all ... although i am not able to do that right now and maybe should not think about 'what then' ... i will try to see other things ...

one is keeping in touch with reality ... maybe the world WILL NOT allow me to live without doing something essentially against my inner being ... maybe i will never be able to live even a whole week with just my own flavour of life ...

but one thing that is for sure is i will never know if could live or not, partially or fully if i DON'T TRY

i need to get afraid - so afraid that i panic - and have to call upon all my resources to help me ... without losing touch of reality ... without calling/needing fake psychological feelings to heal the wound and make the pain go away

it's true that i can't see any way out ... neither do i have any clue ... neither some picture of a kind of life i could have (want) ... i am like someone in the dark that needs to light a candle to atleast see the immediate neighbourhood but doesn't even have a matchstick or doesn't know if he has one ... and is instead waiting for the sun to come up and for the darkness to go away with the night ... fearing that it might not be the night but being in a room blocking the light and that waiting does not help ... with the fear being covered up by the hope that someday i will find the way, or some (even if little) help will come

so i need to search myself for matchsticks - losing hope, gaining fear and this ... panic for the loss of my life without losing my head

so the first step : LOSE HOPE - let's see if i accomplish that ...

2009-12-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

Wishful thinking

A person sitting in a train, going to another country, coz of war in homeland, hoping for a wonderful place - that's wishful thinking

A person who's sitting in a cubicle and dreaming/visualising about being the CEO or something - that's wishful thinking

A person waiting to 'fall' in love - that's wishful thinking

A person going about doing his daily routines waiting for something cool to happen in his life ... (movies like matrix, wanted etc. earn heavily on this feeling) - that's wishful thinking

A person going through rough times 'knowing' that things will become better - that's wishful thinking

Wishful thinking is anything that 'avoids' work .... and gives a feeling of comfort

It can be very useful in 'difficult' situations but one who constantly dreams like this is just trying to repress his own feelings and powerlessness and justify his own sloth ....

Excessive dose of wishful thinking can be curbed by courage ... wishful thinking of 'making your life a way you would feel alive' would need perhaps the highest does of courage ....

Courage

Once out in the battlefield with a sword and shield, it doesn't need courage to fight - it's kill or be killed.

Once in the possession of things; it doesn't need much courage to 'risk' losing those things to try to get better things -- like it's doesn't require much courage to risk you assets to acquire other companies even when the risk involves being bankrupt ...

It doesn't require much courage to kill yourself either -- depressed ones just kill coz their life is not one to be lived, some sacrifise their life for their loved ones ...

if mainly driven by anger and frustration; it doesn't require much courage to fight a very powerful enemy ...

Courage is not taking 'risks' where chances/probabilty of success can be atleast vaguely calculated

Courage is not a strong person risking hurting himself trying to defend a weak one

Courage is not sacrifising your luxuries for the welfare of the society

Courage is not even a warrior's defense of his pride (in form of clan/nation of just his 'manhood') by fighting a strong enemy with whom he's most likey lose his life ....

(ok too much exaggeration; now getting to the point)

courage is a weak poor man trying to defend his 8year old son from the bullet of soldier's gun

courage is a warrior giving up his pride (like in sacrificing his life for 'proving' or other stupid reasons) for the better of his clan/nation/family/himself especially when everyone around his will joke at his 'non-manliness'/cowardice

courage is the weak staring the eyes of powerful (i wanted here to write God but couldn't sepearted the omnipotent part from other 'attributes') and saying 'no'; knowing that that will be his doom (the powerful can be the society which set the norms for 'respectable' doing -- like sacrificing life for country - not that that's bad ... but maybe the courage of martyrdom is actually just fear of bad-will among society or something)

courage is looking inside your own self and accepting your (real) self (the most courageous thing of all i guess)

courage is like fighting the tornado when all you have is a stick ... (although it might be the stupidity)

found this quote on http://www.quotegarden.com/conformity.html which i read after writhing the 'know thyself' below while searching for a completely different quote :) :

"Common experience shows how much rarer is moral courage than physical bravery. A thousand men will march to the mouth of the cannon where one man will dare espouse an unpopular cause." ~Clarence Darrow, Resist Not Evil

Know thyself

If you know your own self then, i think, courage will come automatically for doing other things - coz there will be no conflict between 'what should i do -- this means that thing goes wrong and that means the other thing goes wrong' -- it will not be a 'this' or 'that' choice that you weigh and choose (like weighing life and pride) - it will be saying 'no' when you know something is against what you essentially are ... even when that thing is God himself ... (replace god by any other superpowerful or fearful thing that makes this more effective)

But there's plenty of courage required just to accept yourself :

Your shortcomings obviously
but much more than that what 'you can do' coz you will be afraid of doing that ... coz ... you are used to the way you are living now ... how will you live otherwise .... how will you manage doing this and that ... how will you be acceptable to the society ...
and there will always be the lucrative option of 'compromise', which generally is nothing more than a sort of surrender from your part

Real compromise is accepting hardships to 'be yourself' not sacrificing the alive/humun part to 'ease' your path ...

(wanted to write more ... therefore did not post it the same day (sunday) ... but i think that should not be the way (or no more than one day delay :) ) will write next on 'courage and narcissism' i guess :) and 'the tragedies of life'

2009-12-13T09:16:00.000-08:00

Money, philosopher's stone and homunculus

Money is power and the way the economic world system is today it's power is inherently based on exploitation ... or in other words - on the grief of millions of people of the planet ... fma's philosopher's stone has same thing ... a very powerful thing ... that violates law of equivalent trade (like money :) ) ... and get's it's power from the grief of people (alteast in fma1) ((for creation of philosopher's stone ... many cities are destroyed for live humans form the main ingridient of philosopher's stone) ...

in fma2, homunculus (soul-less being with physical composition same as humans) can be 'made' by injecting a live human with some philosopher's stone ... general response as in the anime is that the human will not be able to bear the changes that the philosopher's stone brings about in the body and dies... but once in a while a human will survive ... and he will have great power .... (in the anime the first time the story is told by Wrath, a homunculus thus made, and who's the head of the country :) )

homunculus are described as soul-less and the philosopher's stone is their core ... now replace philosopher's stone by money and what do you get ... modern man :)

devoting yourself to money makes you a lot lot lot more powerful but takes away your soul ....

"The less you are, the less you express your life, the more you have, the greater is your alienated life and the greater is the saving of your alienated being." -- KARL MARX

but those who have money make the whole world go round (like wrath in the anime) -- very powerful beings ...

I feel like someone who's about to be injected with the philosopher's stone ... coz i am not able to see a visible way to 'live' life ... and might soon take on the visible 'traditional' paths (mba/ms/phd) (most likey mba .. if i am to boldly take in the philosopher's stone :) ) ... it's a tragedy of today's world that people have to work so much just to be fed (below poverty line); those who have enuf are powerless if they try to find their identies outside of their 'work'; it's a world in which you are either exploited or exploit or both ..... and to exploit ... either you take in the philosopher's stone ... or are naive enough or prevent your thoughsts from recognising the exploitive nature (directly or indirectly) of your 'work' (as is clear in the simple 'innocent' phrase -- 'i am just doing my job')

2009-12-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Money : the true fiction

take a 500 rs note in ur hand (or any other note for that matter) and think what gives this piece of paper it's value ... does the government ... no ...

1. you can take this note; give it to a shopkeeper in exchange for 'goods' -- why will the shopkeeper do so ?? -- coz he can again do the same ...

2. If you sell some thing for 500 and i sell same for 400 someone with knowledge of both will prefer 400 one ... this keeps value of money in regulation (kinda)

will elaborate on the 'keeping in regulation' part later

but it's clear that money has value coz people BELIEVE in it

Money as the new religion

If tommorrow all people on this planet were to think of the cash as pieces of paper (which they are) and the money in their accounts as electronic bits (again they are :)) THERE WOULD BE NO VALUE FOR MONEY ... so this is a system of FAITH

Money is the new GOD; it is omnipotent at least :), it exists only because people believe in it and it provides as an object of DEVOTION (people spend their entire lives building their careers, houses and capital)

Money as power

This people's faith is the VALUE of money and this value is it's power : you can give out pieces of paper or transfer bits and you get a car using fossil fuels to pollute the planet just so that you can feel proud to own a car (and you can justify it by saying it's used for travelling distances); you can get food preparations of the seven continents ; you can enjoy art music opera; you can buy a gun and shoot people

Money's power as refuge

Today a man doesn't have much in control. He HAS TO go to school. He HAS TO take employment in some form or the other under some mega machine (corporation/business) (small businesses, if they survive, still follow market laws more than one's own life/lifestyle - which btw has reduced to 'making profits'). He HAS TO be ambitious and try to be successful.

Man has lost so much control over his life that he has become passive :

-> His work is something that happens to him (although he is apparently doing it) -- may be more clear wud be if i said -- his job is something he GETS -- he pleases his boss - becomes 'creative', 'hard working' bla bla ... ... the only relationship to his work is money (well u can argue about 'enjoying' your work - well so can a prostitute ... a different wording of this point wud be ... well are all prostitutes (well most of us) although non-sexual -- and that reminds me - if sex wasn't supposed to be 'bad' or guilt-arousing maybe this comparison wud be easily digestible and u wud see people as prostitues :) :)

-> he 'falls' in love (like being struck by a lightning -- you have like no control over it )

-> he 'has fun' -- watching tv, drinking booze, drugs, sex, even travel is supposed to 'provide' you with the neccessary 'entertainment' or 'differentness' ('having fun' provides justification for work which with time becomes obsessional work)

-> etc. :)

Having money provides with a sense of power (and having a family too) which helps, together with 'having fun', in repressing the powerlessness one feels - so much so to be totally unaware of it.

Man today is a slave of his own wants (which he calls needs), wants which exist solely in (desparte) attempt to please him and repress his state of powerlessness
and

"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Money's value

Let's suppose everyone has some money that they have and it's neither created nor distroyed ... only 'circulated' -- the cost of things wud be 'simple' demand and supply based and assuming non-varying demand and supply, no change in cost -- and not a very 'growing' society; but self-sufficient and also happy (actually not very unhappy :) ) assuming everyone started with almost same amount ...

Now suppose that a very rich guy now has an extra 1000 rs outa thin air; where does that get it's value ; assuming 'fixed' value pool; it derives it's value from that so let's say M money has value V so (M + magic 1000) also has value V so the value of money associated with M decreases (the rich become more rich) - but V can also increase proportionally provided people do more work :)

So what's happening ... is there magic money ?? ... YES ... loans ... that money is created outa thin air ... and both things happen ... decrease in value of 1k rupis (inflation) and people working more and more ... omg ... there's the problem of socitey hunh ? ...

"Give me control of a nation's money and I care not who makes the laws." -- (Mayer Amschel Rothschild ??)

and if this is not enuf there always interest to repaid for loans .... interest for money created outa thin air ... kool ... let the poor work their ass off just to earn living and the rich get interest on their money .... and best of all earning interst thru mutual funds, real estates and all ... one doesn't even notice the inherent exploitation of the poor (poor just here invokes pity :), everyone is exploited ... even the rich .. coz as i said ... the power of money just represses ... )

Ok, so much for the new GOD; i must now become an atheist sufi :) .... (want to put some rumi's poetry in but don't think anything with money/poverty)

“Poverty is my pride.”

- Prophet Muhammad

2009-06-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

whatever

this post i am forcing myself into writing coz actually i am felling really sleepy right now and should infact sleap and not write but here i am ...

today yahoo hr told tht i DID have a choice -- so now planning for my acco again :) -- mostly with vivek -- let's see -- the flight's in night so it's a bit risky :)

boredom is a topic that i have been googling lately -- "whay are we bored?" and thought i haven't read things completely i feel that boredom is a symptom not a disease -- and i guess i suffer from existential boredom -- the feeling of unfullfillness from on'es life ...

dissatisfaction is the feling ii am tlking about -- say someone who wants x in his life gets y -- what's the point -- no matter how good y might be for someone who wants somthing like that -- i made a really boring stmt today -- what good is / are spring roll(s) if all you want is to quench your thirst -- fate doesn't give the ease of doing something with the want of it to all .... the question again come back to what i want to do with my life ... i can kill my self ... or i can work with yahoo or like for the rest of my life ... or i can try to go for a filed phd math ... or in comp sci where the chances of getting would be good and i might have a reputation and it might help if i work for a few years but is any of this what i want ... people today live in small spaces with the environment super-polluted -- go to cubicles to work -- enjoy long traffic jams in between -- spend the money on something totally meaningless -- while retaining the still primitive form where all they want is some love and adventure and peace and satisfaction -- but mayve most of them never realize -- i remember a chapter form my hinidi book about angoolimal rakshas who killed people and cut thier fingers and kept them ... one day when buddha passed he said 'stop' buddha said --' i have stopped, when will you' -- i have the same feeling -- most pole in life are just running -- they want to become a good son/daughter/wife/manager/succesful person/athelete or something -- or are just used to something (i am thinking about selena's mother in gossip girl -- about her likes who live like that -- why do they ???????)

why i am able to live the way i am even that maybe i will never understand -- why do i continue to live like this when i hate it so much ??? -- btw lately i have been thinking about the moment of death and makes me realize that we are just 'going on' doing something unnessary -- like someone who's lying on his bed and just streching or something ... people marry, work, have fun, become sad , want a lot and do nothing for it, i hate it ..... so much -- people live for what -- they don't live for anything -- even many who think that they do ... they go on just like i am going on ... a simple sotory of a rock falling don the strem --

an analogy just stuck me throught that rock falling down the hill -- life is like sky diving -- till adulthood is the time when we fall to atttain critical verlocity .. we increase our speeds throughout ... but in adulthoood we stop -- it seems so weird that i feel that (although i don't remember much in my chidhood) -- as a child a year was long - alot packed into just one year -- i een rememver when writing dates in classroom that the first number changes always - the second after a long period but the third doesn't change at all -- i thought what's the need of the third one ?? - why don't we just eliminate it -- infaCT childhood years do pack a lot -- iamgine the safar from class one to five and compare it with the four years of college -- the four years were changing but i guess i can say safely that more development took in the former -- why -- why are humans content as adults and don't wanna change -- adults seem so ok, satified with their position and thinking and all -- it's so weird -- i don't want to enter adulthood -- amy i ever experience new things in life and never become accustomed to the 'going on' kind of life -- frustation mine is showing up hunh ? :) ?

was just taping the on button of my ac as ther's something wrong with it -- ' there's something wrong with it' -- such an easy thing to say -- but whtats wrong - sometimes we know sometimes we donm't -- and when we don't it's not neccssarily easy to find out -- do i know what's wrong with me that something 's wrong with my life or just what's wrong with my life ??

what's wrong with me is that i have never been outside of the flow of luck -- wherever life takes me i go -- doing the easy(as in one of my prev posts) -- it's like asking a civilian to take a gun and start fighting the enemy -- so what's wrong with me is that i haven't tried different things -- especially those that are difficult and the most meaningful (and what are they ???!) -- basically this is what is courage ... i need courage -- to face my life -- if i don't know what's wrong maybe i need to find out -- i can go in x direction just to find out it's the wrong way -- but i hvae to do something -- so .. if you don't know what do do -- don't do nothing

so what's wrong with my life -- everything -- first i am wrong -- i don't do what i want to do -- what do i want to do ?? -- and then the life that fate's offering me is simply monotonous and boring :) -- boring word again :)

hmmm.. ok step by step -- what do i want -- right now to sleep :) but .... i want clean environment - caring people - no one running unnessarily - rivers - grass - fresh mornings (contrasted to the ones i am used to - sleeping late till afternoon of getting the alarm to wake me up) - love - ek umang dil mein - kur karne ka jab man kare -- (a phd in switzerland?) - but is it possible -- people sacrifice their dreams for things that are more 'practical' (from scientific american page) like the woman in that article who wanted to be a biologist and the man who took religion giving up astronmy- what he likked -- it's maybe what i am going to do .. goingon with what life has to ofer me might be more 'solid' and .. whatever .. but this continous boredom will rip me apart -- will disengage my 'wonder' mode of looking at things in this universe -- what meaning will then crime be or (some word sarts with pro i guess and means someone who helps people or daonates whatever...) -- wht's the difference then -- why would i be for or against something -- why would i then be happy to have something and lose to be unhappy or whatever -- i would just be a living gropup on unconcerenced atoms who just don't care -- idon't give a damn -- crushing my spirit (in my prev post) is what's going to happen if i let my fate decide for my life -- it's said that for the bd to win all that's is needed is for the good to do nothing -- just like that -- for me to be ripped apart and live a dead person (zinda lash from blood stained intrigue :) ) all that's need is for me to do nothing -- 'but coperate with fate ' :) (from prev post :) )

but i have to live in this reality and unless i want to die there is no way around the 'certainities or practicalities' of life - so i have to find a way with them -- people everyday o all sorts of research wrok for their job or studies - they might not be so interested but they do put a hell lot of effort in them -- so why can't i -- why can't i first of all know my oppurtunities ?? -- my options - even if i coperate with life i still will have to put hell lots of effort (which would then be meaning nothing) -- but now the ersults mean a lot to me -- and i can overcome the laziness if i keep the results in my mind -- my freedom -- ok now i am going to listen to hte starting song of fma2 -0- ultimate :)

a wonderful starting (and ending song) -- in fact a wonderful series -- thoug h i might have to watch fma1 again ..i love this seris -- especially the touching moments -- this is the series that made me cry for the first time ever watching something that was multimedia .. ok anyways back to the point -- my thoughts of the dying moment

all that i do now is the most meaningfull thing that my life contains even though it's utterly meaning less coz you won't be diong something when u can do something beter (provided it's equally easy (nice word) to do those things) -- so this is the height of my life -- the profoundness in it's absolute nakedity (new wrod?) -- i am nothing -- just a waliking blind machine that does doing something .. yet another person who's surrendered under his/her fate without signs of resistance or struggle -- 'strugg'e' -- something you do when you have hope whose sideeffects i guess i taked about in the last post ... -- why should i fight -- coz there is a chance to succed and even if not i won't know if i don't ry -- well to try or not -- to hope and struggle or make do most with the useless things fate's given me -- i first have to do my research -- find out who the enemy is and wht weaponry i have and what it has -- how much will it cooperate aned all -- i can't just still sit (sit still sorry) and do nothing ..

now i shall sleep - to wake another day into what might seem like the same universe -- good night (ywawning virtualy)

2009-06-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

hope

When you are in some trouble with no apparent way out, you can still have hope -- the wonderful thing -- bt it can also be the source of suffering when you really don't have to ....

A simple example would be someone on the death bed with a very painful deisease and liveing through machines in 'hpe'' of becoming good again -- but he has just prolonged his suffering ...

considering hope as good is because we have been 'trained' to do so by the society we live in ... and also because it gives us hope -- :) -- purely cyclic :) -- what's hope ?? -- it's something we want , to happen mostly iguess, that is along the lines of what we want -- it's what's said to be 'somehing to hold on to when you see no way out' -- and hence a good thing -- well we will take this aspect first -- hope is good becoz it holds us together when we have no visile way out ....

a will to live might be a very big factor in deciding weather a patient on death-bed will live or die -- so hope helps him -- well but it could prolong his suffering too -- and is life worth it anyway -- the point is that the other person has 'given up' -- maybe even feels depressed ....

'giving up' -- can't it be good in those places where hoping would bring bad results -- when you have only a certain desires in you life and those seem not to be going to fullfilled -- you 'need' to hold on to hope -- it's an escape

giving up hope can also be good when you should stop relying on fate/chance to make somthing happen and do something on your own -- something concrete -- not saying to yourself that maybe someday something will happen good -- but doing something -- howsoever meagrely in the direction of your good ... this , i guess , is what i need to do ...

hope is good -- because it keeps your spirit alive -- the passion to do something -- your love for something -- (spirit here doesn't refer to soul btw) -- giving up though can be a practical move -- but i hope(:)) it can be done without crushing the spirit -- it's goood when it helps you to take your own actions -- probably even descructive so thta either you get what you want or you are destroyed -- actually that's a good option -- a bad option would be when you either succed or don't fail -- just be miserable in the other option -- you have given up -- no hope lift -- you either chane what you want -- or live with the fact that you won't get what you want -- wel here i fell the spirit gets crushed -- one would become indifferrent to life ....

i was going through my earlier blogs today -- i read them as though am reading somethign in some book -- i don't really recall that easily the emotions/thoughts/mood i had while writing them ... -- but in this poem --'maybe'-- i loved my own line that sayed that life is a toy and should be played with -- hope is what holds you together when you want to win -- coz you take life too seriously -- you get only one life -- this is all the time you have -- well that's not false -- and is entirely profound but -- what stops you from diluting the seriousness of life so hat you can enjoy it more thoroughly -- if you look at it as a game then even if you don't win -- you can still fool around -- :) -- well that brings me back to the question what do i want in life -- i certainly don't want phd/ms/jpb/managemnt even if i compare it to 'wining' in life --i want enoyment -- isn't it -- then enjoyment is winning -- then i should enjoy -- i win then -- hmmm.... interesting -- gives me some hopes -- maybe i was wrong in attaaching enjoyment to only a few things that were visible -- those were good (i don't really know though howmuch) -- the fact that i can enjoy just by fooling off in/with life is amazing -- it says that i can enjoy without really having those things -- but still -- jerking off would only give as much fun -- knowing that i counldn't get 100 percent -- i am making do with 45.6 -- but there's the point --i don't want hapiness or anything -- i wan't to enjoy -- live fully (btw here enjoy would even mean crying coz that's living -- enjoy doesn't imply here a cheerful mood but a fullfilled one :) )

so now i take back the topic of giving up -- a lone fish in an empty aquaruim (with just water an dfish in it) cannot do much -- it's her fate -- so does the conditions of a man imply on the possibilities that his/her life has to present... - hoping here is the optimistic view that there might exist some possibility -- giving up is the opposite -- maybe better though ??? -- u cud try doing something before giving up on it completely -- maybe you shoudn't hope unrealistically -- counting on fate -- fate might help , it might not -- but you certainnly can 'try' -- obviously if fate doen't permit even then -- not your fault -- but 'try' -- that's all you can do -- gita says something like this or is said to say so (do your work, the results/fruit is not in your hands)

Here comes again the division in lif3e of what you can control and what you can't -- hope is good for keeping your spirit together by controllling your mind in to beleiving that the non-controable thins might aid in your procurement of your wishes -- but hope without efort is not really meaningful -- wspecially if it doesn't come true with time -- you need to control your controllable parts to make the uncontrooled do that you want (obviously you can only try -- and you need to even if it destroys your 99% hope :) --ie other 'possible' chances of your success by luck)

coming back -- being realistic -- logical -- speculative -- thinker -- giving up on expectation of your hopes being fullfilled isn't bad at all -- you give up your fears of not having things without giving up the hopes . "hope' in the above sentence seems sysnonymous with 'desire' -- though hope kinda indicates some 'miraculous' expectation that might aid in acheving the desire ... how about giving up you expectations but not your desire -- still hoping without relying on the uncontrollable -- allowing fate to make a move when seems fit and intervening when i t doeswn't -- afterall we can only try -- and that should be a source on new hope and is more trustworthy than hoping for a miracle -- hoping then seems like a medicine which helps you endure pain (like morphine ?) but could be bad for you if taken in excessive amounts -- hope then is a coin with two sides -- good and bad -- the bad seeming to be never discussed in literature -- the phrase 'hope for the best' seems reuplsive to me now and now i still 'hope for the best' ... (the difference is like saying 'mera bharat mahan' just coz you are born here and latter being looking at the achivements and the cultures etc. and 'then' saying 'mera bharat mahan') ...

---- The end ..........

2009-04-30T02:31:00.001-07:00

30 april -- the day b4 my last bits compre
this sem was ok -- academically, i didn't meet my expectations -- tripwise, i went for none :(

but anyways a lot has changed since my last blog -- the question of weather i want to go for hier studies or do a job has changed to what i wanna do with my life -- coz both of them are boring - and most importantly - one dimensional.

I don't want my life to have only a few (significant) dimensions. (Well btw does job count as a dimension ?? or just a time kill ?? ) So what;s the plan ?? -- none -- go where ever life takes you ... well that's a bad thing -- what if i get caught in the flow of life to never recover -- too much momentum can be harmful ...

Easy (defn.) -- when you are in a car that's taking you to some place, going to that place is easy, coz all you have to do is stay back ... if your life takes you to some place and all you have to do is 'co-operate', it's easy.

And that's what I have been doing lately -- the easy ...

Complex (defn.) -- something with many factors with lot of ununderstood/uncontrolled/difficult-to-control relations between them
Simple (defn.) - few factors with straigh-forward relations between them

(it seems that simple and complex have to do with the abilities of the mind, but the point 'ununderstood/uncontrolled/difficult-to-control' vs 'straigh-forward' seems to cut throught that, but ... whatever ...)

anways i found this while trying to google while typng the above : http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/11027/self_improvement_and_motivation/whats_simple.html

anyways coming back to the point -- easy is complex -- life (generally) wraps you around in knots ... there's enought convolution and your life is destroyed :) ... (exaggeration feels good :) )

simple is difficult -- but simple ...
it's like a program you write and then find a 'simple' one somewhere -- it's so simple that it's beautiful -- though the more used word is elegant, though it involves more factors

found one more link ( http://phatchicks.indiatimes.com/The-Chicks/Sakhi/My-Recommendations/Whats-simple-yet-profound/articleshow/2431244.cms ) with these wonderful lines :

When I woke to the story of life
It was already the middle of the tale,
I know nothing of the beginning
I’ll know nothing of the end.
-- Urdu poet Shaad Azimabadi

you don't know what to do, but what you want might just be simple like a simple elegant program, but if you let your life go on it becomes complex -- again, getting convoluted is the default, being simple is intelligent, difficult, beautiful

being simple also involves being true to yourself, which contibutes to it's difficulty, but 'being false' to yourself is a repelling thot ...

well i don't know what else to write ... so i shall stop here, coz it's the easy thing to do :)

2009-02-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

liberty and security

feb 24 2009 11:40 pm

last sem in college
2 more months to go
then what ???

fact 1 : life goes on (no matter what)
fact 2 : it ends (death ...)

basically : while(!deathtime) { life goes on ; }

fact 1 has different forms :
-- time cures all wounds
-- you get used to
-- you will adjust
-- kutch nahi, bhagwaan sab sahi kar dega
-- ye to hota rehta hai
-- sab chalta hai
(last 4 are not good/exact alternatives butjust wanted to put them)

basically focussing here on the first two (i feel they are the same -- not what they directly say but what they essentially mean -- life goes on)

ok first thing i hate the above loop : so i just have to put a break statement there -- i have to do something whose effect is enough to not get used to -- at least not before a while -- but without drowning me into a sequence of events that i wouldn't want

so here comes the main question : what do i want ?

ok, as usual what i don't want : a monotonous life..., a life that i am dragging along
what do i want : really i am blank on this -- i don't think i really need much if the above point be satisfied

ok now my options :
a job -- job -- job -- job -- death
any thing else

do i have an option here -- now two things :
1. kal kare so aaj kar
2. be lazy and decide later

so what's in "any thing else" : (hmmmmmmm......)

well that depend what i want in that category : so -- what do i want ?

back to square 1

first one thing -- happiness seems to be relative so there might not be an answer to that question that can permanenetly make me happpy but still there should be some kind of answer :
right now i am thinking for what i wanna do and am trying to see if i have interest for hier studies -- last sem i was just cursing my life -- last year (3rd) i was trying to study so that i make some grade atleast in my cdcs -- first 2 coll years i did not study coz that what i felt like
so, i have been doing something to make myself something -- if i don't go for a job and instead for hier studies (1 year later ofcourse) won't i still be trying to make myself something -- what after that -- why even that -- why do i want to DO something -- why should i always have a short-term/long-term goal -- why do i want to cut my life into pieces -- work, study for gre, study, try to do good even if it doesn't come naturally to you, try hard b4 quitting (if ever) -- what then -- what after all this -- then do i find myself another amusement to strangle myself with -- another busykeeper -- shud i think of living then -- why not now ????

'why not now' is simple -- coz i don't know -- i have no clue as to what i want to do in life -- and "going on with life" is just a simple thing to do -- it's what happens when i don't do anything -- while sleeping , eating, anything -- life goes on ....

do i want to be like this throughout my life ?? here, do i want a goal ?? -- that's exactly what i don't want -- i don't want to tie myself, my life to the completion of one task (or one after another) -- when do i live in all that ? the point is do i want to be clueless about my life and just go on :
so here are the keywords -- aim and clueless :
aim -- putting efforts and expectations into something
clueless -- blank (a state of mind)

what aim is good ?? can an aim be good ?? isn't "trying to be not clueless" a good aim ?

well am too sleepy now to continue -- off to sleep (1 am (night ;) )

2008-08-25T08:39:00.001-07:00

HAA......

i don't know why but i just felt like i wanted to write something in my blog -- can't control it -- am feeling like something wanting to exdplde in me and all i can doo is stay on this table and write this --- i feel lkike i feel like -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I , I , I just want to crack open sand explode into pieces so that ther's nothing left in me -- I , I just a mtired of living this life .... I can't take it anymore --- even for a day i guess -- I feel like trappped in my own story that I am enacting that was 'bestowed' upon me byt the world -- i just want to rip it apart --- i just want to explode and get away from the situation I am in -- I don't know wehre my life is heading but the 'optimist' in me says that my life will find a direction 'eventually' and i just want to say to him -- ' CUT THE CRAP'- ok ?? i am going into a dark pit which might not be just dark because I don't know what's inside there but because it's inherently dark --- i am on the most crucial mooments of my life and all i do is lie around doing nothing and comeing to this bloody office adn do nothing hoping to do some 'work' someday -- i can't stabilize my hands even on this keyboard --- i just want to break it ok ?>? --- maybe i am sad because i have nothing to do -- but maybe the reason i am that sad is because wehn i see tha i have notihng dto do -- I have nothing to do -- I AM NOTHING -- i have never been --- just a machine whoresponds to 'circumstances' --- ok whatever --- this life is over now --- i have to get a new one -- coz this one's going to rot --- and i can't stand to live in a rotten one --- ALL I WANT ALL I WANT AALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE ---

I want to ask myself one question though -- just one --- will i be able to 'do' this --- will i succed --- well i guess failure is a lot better option than giving up --- it's like 'shaheed hona' --- 'sarfaroshi' ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai -- i dont' know the exact meaning of the term 'sarfaroshi' so basically i replace it with 'kutch karne ki ab' -- well didn't want to mentiion the second line as i dont' have enemies whom i want to crush or something (well to see now -- who are my enemies --- the world ?? -- i guess no, - it's only a challenge -- it's something that will make me enjoy the journey even if I emerge a failure --- well my real enemy is, I guess, my Laziness -- and maybe also my lack of knowledge -- but mostly my Laziness only --- for my lack of knowledge can only lead me to failure -- but Laziness can lead me to crush my own spirit -- become the most disgusting thing in the world -- something that will be just so disgusting that it will eventually devour and digest the whole Universe and nothing will be left not even the disgust --- so that 'something' can be free again --- basically that feeling is letting it's 0.000000000000001 % of it's (infinitesimal)square part and make me so .. yaaaaaaaaa ... basically i am not just giong to terminate this coz i have to leave the office premises now and basically beacus i don't have much to contiue with and must get rid of this weird felling now .... okay ???

Maybe it's all just neurological --- i think i need to refine it -- os wish me best of luck mbaby .....

asta lavista :) (whatever that means :) )

2008-08-04T06:22:00.000-07:00

The lost thoughts...

Let me llok at the thoughts I have been having from the last two three months or more -- mba/gre/job fight, what do I want?, what to download next ? -- what my life has for me ahead... would I be happy in a situation like this or that ??? -- and most of the thoughts didn't end in a good or happy ending -- mostly like these thoughts hav ebecome something that I feel like I have wasted my time with -- I have wasted my entire life and so am I going to do with the rest of my life ... -- no job/ms/mba will change my life -- if something like that happens - that will be my luck -- i can have a mast life in mba and a useless one in ms in algorithms and a boring one in job (:)) -- --- what can change my life (btw why do I want to change my life ?0 -- I just want to chage myslef -- I am expecting something from my life -- I am given a choice out of alpha beta and gamma -- and luck has the powetrto push me any side -- I am not saying that this is not important -- just that it is not so importatn that I make it the largest part of my life ... -- change yourself -- become who you ARE -- that's enough -- fell the pain of not having what you want -- feel the frustration -- feel the heat -- feel the adventure of doing something you never thought you could have done before -- be a kid -- you always are -- what do you want -- more money -- most certainly not -- better be heidi in the mountains than some sick lonely bastard who takes bath in money everyday -- simplicity is something that soothes our brain -- showness is something that seems to attract us -- part of jealousy / envy -- what he has why don't I -- just that felling you don't really want all that -- I don't want a big house / a big /car / having dinners in 5 stars -- so why am I looking for a job with a lot of money ?? - what am I going to do with all the money -- maybe a job where I fell good and not rich -- a place where I can be myself -- (not city?) -- I am a machine -- and htis machine is currently enjoyihng the songs -- aaina bata kaise -- arre bhai I am using the hyphens very frequently amn't I -- I shuold probably try controlling my urge to use them -- human is juat a machine who feels happy with the things he /she feels happy with -- and given them is happy -- am just saying coz ye song bada hi achcha lag raha hai -- infaact kaffi songs achche lage hain ... -- can't write wehn the lyrics are on in songs :) ,,,

ok where was I -- hmm.. ye typing sudharni hai be -- ya changing myself -- not changing coz I am what I am -- I am not changing my nature but what I do -- my actions -- I have to BECOME what I AM (on the inside ?) -- ok -- antoher good song -- maybe ... -- changing -- --respect yourself -- and be yourself -- and respect yoour parents -and NATURE -- everything --- be disperasd in the wind like the seeds/ pollen grains -- and each the limit where you become the eind yourself ... be the way of teh world -- whatever am I saying man .. I don't think I will be able to write words properly after some thime ok ? ok no w this wind has become headached and feels likefor respecting the body it should sleep but maybe oing out for a while will suffice too , but maybe a good soothing song will also do more than good ... dkeho inhe ye hain os ki boonde patton ki .......... ok m too involved in the songs right now so i don't think i will continue this right now ok ?

2008-07-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, let's start with today's events -- i had been planning that i would participate in goodle code jam for quite some time now -- since last semester -- i had loooked for it but the site was still in progress - i thought i would get informed in my tocoder mailbox -- but apparently that never hapenned ... I got to know today that the registration was over -- it started at 17 june and continued till 17 july and after :( -- so am a bit sad -- but not much -- maybe because the mausam (weather) this morning made me feel good ... but am thinking that what a lazy ass I have been -- even in my fourth year I am unable to take part in the code jam and win something :( -- haven't learned driving -- don't know where I want to land up in life -- I seriously don't know why I am so reluctant to do what I want to do or find out what is fitting for me -- cowardice is not for this short life (and if you make the wrong decisions it will seem like an endless life -- so life's not long or short -- but it's too dumb to make wrong decision or not follow what you dream of, what you want ...). I need to break out and do the things I want to d o -- I don't know how many tiomes I have written this in my previous blogs and still haven't started about it ... I I I want to trek, see beautiful placs, maybe do research but without anyone telling me what to do -- so ms is the only option -- but what does ms have to offer me -- living in the us (or some other place) -- seeing beautiful girls :) (just seeing :( ) -- maybe that's a challenge -- but what after that ???

About adventures -- I wrote in some previous blo i guess that todya i will go find a adventure here only (i guess it was the last blog ...) -- anyways all I can think of now is to follow what's adventurous -- coz everything else seems so dull -- so what to do now -- monotonous life ko no bolne ka hai -- ye subha uthna office aana bore hona gtlak karna dload karna and all that -- and then vaapas jaake indira darshini pe dinner khana -- too boring -- and why is it boring -- coz it's monotonous -- while trekking or something if you eat in some cheap south-indian restaurant you would feel ike a nomad or something that's cool -- btw i saw an episode of man vs wild yeasternight and i liked it (obvioously duh. ) and I don't know -- why is my life going some way where I have to choose between bored and boerd to hell...

What can I do adventourous in a daily life ... I don't know -- ok let's see -- adventure is like a tmprary stage -- like a bubble -- like life itself (?) --DARE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE -- actually i was planning to make a list everyday or someting of what to do adventourous like type blindly without mistakes ?? or type all my codes with the monitor off ?? and take gre this sem itslef and so on ... but planning takaes the fun out of adventurous .. seriosly ..

What is adventure --- going to a park - adventure park- like the one vimanyu went -- where your adrenalin pumps up on every ride or your heart beats make you stop even before you attempt a ride -- how is it advengturous -- it doesn't involve risk-- does it have to -- those tings are exciting -- chemically it's adrenalin or something -- but it might come in the category of adventure -- trekking ?? -- risks but not that exciting but relally beautiful scenaries -- contentionsatisfa ction of the heart for the sight seeing and the risky work done to achieve that -- walking ion a short rougt and seeing the beauty -- really cool -- how abuout tjust sight seeing -- well if the climate is good and all -it's cool -- but i guess teh really cool places are where you need to take some risk to get there -- the risk maybve or surely activates soem chemical activity inside of us that makes that trip a lot more exciting -- nothing that the plain sight-seeing can compare itslef to -- is advewnture all about the chemicals that make an impact on our mind's judgement ???

Is adventure something that we mentally/spiritually require to get out of the monotonous schedule the world imposes on us (or is commonway -- we need effort to mkae things otherwise) -- is it that if our life would not have been monotonous the advwentures would not be so sadventourous -- is trekking the same for a person who's lived in the mountains all his life -- did my old guide in bhrigu lake really enjoyu -- or does he everytime he comes there -- well ya sure he does go take bath in the freezing bhrigu lake everytime he goes there and deems places like these holy and all but is the same thing/excitement/enthusiasm/chemical-axcitement in him as is tehere inside of us ??? And the big question -- could life be not monotonous (commonly/individually) ?? More (or most) importantly -- Can I make my life non-monotonous (seriously speaking writhing the word monotonous is monotonous -- every alternate letter is O :) ) and by non-monotonous i do not mean just regular or something -- if I get to do some paper-work today -- some accoutning 2moro and so on -- maybe not regular -- but i would still count it monotonous -- like writing the word monotonous makes me feel -- I can go to beautiful places a lot many tiems and still feel good -- it's not mono... although it's regular ,,, . A regular life can be aas nwe as everday but a life can also be new everday on the surface but mon o.,.. on the inside --- breaking out of yourself -- being free -like zhang ziyi (was rhyming) -- just like they say -- Ramayan feels new everytim you read it -- even if you read teh same thing -- new interpretations ??? just feel fresh(er) ??? Don't know .. Let's take this human body for exxample it's old (well newer cells eertime but ...) but stills some days after taking a bath or something -- it feels so fresh that you fell like conquering the world ... Is adventure freshening of our soul (or some mental form ) ??? Or is it just some chemical action that gives a hit to the mind ... ??????

Even if it is some chemical action -- what does it really mean -- some substances flow in out body affecting the working of our mind bla bla bla ... -- if adventure does freshen us what's the harm in calling it the mental food -- as my sir said -- poori duniya is man ko manae ki lye hi to jeeti hai -- we eat food for living -- but what do we live for ?? adventure (mental food ?)

Well some views I already have on why people live or what people live for -- no purpose or why is tehre -- it's like a straw in a stream of water -- teh straw turns as the water makes it - it rises - it falls -- it has it's adventoures -- and everything -- we are the same -- why am I sitiing in this office -- coz my insti requuires me to -- why am I thinking about taking gre or thinking aobut ms/phd -- why not about making some change in the world -- coz it's the normal thing -- it's the easy thing --it's meandering of the river -- can we make a change ??? in this meandering -- forget changing the whole world -- can I just make a change to my life -- the whole world is too far a goal -- if I can't make a change in my life how can i do something more -- btw yesterday or sometihing I thoughjt of becoming a professor -- coz it was easy and i could teach thing i like and all (what ideal thoughts) -- but to make the students what -- something good -- why don't I become that something good ??? I have a nice company with me right now -- may be I might get a good job but will i be happy -- or will I be happier in some chootiya thing with adventouruos people doing cool things even when i don't have much money ??? Means -- what is adventuer -- what qualifies as adventure -- ok i lost my original train of thought here -- ya making a change in my own life

It might just be a nice thing that i am at a tirahaa (3-way :) ) or something -- basically at a more where i have to make imprtant decisions in my life -- coz this is wehre i can decide to be what i want to be (and die in doom :) ) or choose out the the "coommon" things whie lead to the "widely beleived" happy/luxurious life -- why do I have to acdept the wide belief -- I can't -- it peels away my layers of life .... -- I just feel like I want to go roller-coaster on my life -- can't take it anymore -- thinkg about the smae nono... life that will be when I have done the courageous deed of alking away from this decision of my life

A warrior faces the hardships of life. (originated in my mind by thinkhing aobut the peaceful warrior (movie) )

Ya warrior -- in cthd - in dbz -- do I wanna be a warrior --obviously not fighting against the physical enmies as in dbz ( why not cthd? :) ) -- but fighting in life to be what I want -- and boviouslyu not being lost in this fight itslelf -- coz that's like losing the fight itself -- but arent' there preetty cool chances that my life will win over me -- means what am I ?? -- just a mere straw ... my life will just thrash me on a stone so hard that i won't be able to speak a word again ...-- but i can't take this spritual pressure anymore (or boredom if you say so :) ) -- i feel like the pressure inside of me is giong to mkae me burst into pieces and i need to do somethihng now itslef --- i have wasted a lot of my life trying to do things that i don't wanna do -- idling time away coz i "have to" --i am done with thta -- even while typing thas I fell lke AI want to throw this keyborad at something and say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh......

Coming to my actual interest in study -- academics -- as i said i might just do something worth calling a research but ti doln't want someone on my head -- and i can't imagine my life with ersearch if i am doing my job -- frankilyu i can't imagine my life doing a job for the complete remainnig time in my life --k whatever -- ms might only have a good point of getting me a decently salaried job outside india -- but i will still have ato do atleast a year's job in india -- and those 2 years (or one) will be like energetically (studying req enery) wasting my time -- do I want to do that -- I wish i had some easy choice like zhang ziyi -- or is it that i know my choice but that is not a path -- I will have to pave the way ????????????/

Ok -- abrupt ending -- my mind has stoppped working and needs some rest maybe -- or won't start today itslef :) - so here goes the abrupt ending of today's blog-post.

2008-07-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

The battle between GRE and CAT

This is a long lived battle isn't it ? Ok here are my thoughts about it -- present ones -- subject to change, ok?

No CAT this year. Mostly yes for gre but don't know for sure and all ... I just don't want to do a job right now ... I just don't feel like it ... it's like settling down and all ... I am not ready ... but you can't beat your own destiny ... I mean it's not like I am giong to get something even if I take GRE, I will mostly have to do some job only ... And even if I get some nice college and all in gre -- will that make me happy or something ? I doubt it ... So where has my life put me right now ... Ther are three doors out there and are labeled as gre cat and naukri but i wanna know more about them ... it's like i want to see a crystal ball which can show me my future depending upon the door I am goin to pick ... and then let me choose ... But what if the crystal ball shows nothing nice in each of them ... Will I not take any of the doors ??? I really want to escape this question(s) right now but I don't think I hbve that choice ...
Ok what my mind says right now is that do what you want to do ... pursue your dreams ( do I have any of those academic/job dremas ?? - I doubt it ) and try to make my life happy/better . You can't fight your own destiny ... maybe you make the most dumb choices and have the happiest life ever OR maybe you make , actually take, the most precautious steps in your life and still can't make anything of it ... all I know right now is that I don't wanna just live , I wanna do things ... do something .. I don't know what ... I don't know how ... But I have to give it a try ... Accepting life as it is is not what this human mind is for .... Do something or die trying :) I guess dying trying is a lot more better ooption than accepitng the life as it is -- means it's a lto lot more exciting -- worth it isn't it -- but gre/cat/job don't seem nay exciting at all - forget dying for them or anything ... :)

The main concern right now is that meri zindagi ki gaadi ek tirahe (3-way :) ) pe aake khadi ho gayi hai .. and ek raasta jammu jaata hai ... ek kanyakumari .. and ek forida ( :) ) and i don't know where I wnat to go but I have to mkae achoice soon or else I will be at the mercy of my luck to take me places ... Ok.. same decison till now ... ger ka mna hai kyonki shayad mein india se hi bore ho gaya hoon ... and shaysd if I get some ersearch work in some interesting feld I might like it ( although I don't know if algorithms would be an interesting field -- my interest seeem to be changing throughout my life -- it's likke it's completely dynamie (btw , just before writing the last few words , i cam out of a meeting -- i do'nt remembe how long it was but seemed like eternity .. too boring .. and all ... citrix ... well ...whatever ) -- hmm, wehre was I -- ya dynamic choices -- i think gere helps there tooo, I can have more time to think about my life and all -- so now comes the quesition of when to take gre ... should i apply for the colleges right now only ??? means like in november or something -- or next year ? -- i don't know -- but it surely depends upon my score -- if I don't get a good score mostly I will have to do atleast a year's more job -- will I e able to do that one ?? -- anyways ... seems like i have said enough on what i had in mind about gre and cat and now i would like to write some gen crap and all ...

Life is short -- not worth doing things you don't wanna do (and doesn't that make it fun ? - and if it is fun what am I doing here writing my duckh bhari kahani ? :) ) -- so I think I want to go abroad and all -- I don't thin that life would be any worse ( :) ) if i go study somewhere as compared to doing a job in bangalore (oh sorry bengaluru :) ) -- so up for gre -- hona hi tha -- but i don't think the source of happiness is from here (obviously) -- so why is it that I am not happy right now ??? - I don't know but I think I need to be more of myslef -- oh that soulds amazing and all -- I will be more of myslef -- whatever ...; anywayas youo can't fight destiny (or you can die trying :) )

Actually life's not that short and all -- just that how i am picturizing it -- a decision you have to lve with the rest of your life -- tha's too ... aaagh ... if life can be good and all - it's not short --it's long enough -- but doing something that life makes you do and all -- even an eternity isn't logng enough -- os go do something when you have the chance ...

Let's see what I want to do .. Rains .. mountains .. some maths ? .. adventures of sorts -- hmm.. let's do this thing today -- find out different sort of adventures that can be done here in bangalore only :) -- ido n't know -- but seems like life is for adventures only -- i think i should be able to keep my next google id as adventurer.forever :)
To bye for now folks -- am going to either be bored -- or die trying finding an adventure -- coz finding one seems no plausible -- especially when i don't know where to look for and don't have to energy to shoot aroows in the dark ... be energetic thats the first funda for adventure .. but i am lacking it -- let's see how my day goes and all ... :)

2008-03-19T09:46:00.001-07:00

am sitting in front of my computer after having submitted the plcc assignment (using a deadline) and after coding almost the whole time for two days , i feel like am going to get the best sleep today and also feel like ... umm.. actually nothing like it made me more adverse to software job ... maybe subconsciously or maybe just making a clear cut disticntion between work: laborious and work : lovely -- actually the word "work" sounds as if by default itself it's not fun ... whatever ... i don't think this is going to be a long blog and i think am just going to practice my typing somehow and i don't know if i can do much justice to the thing -- hey i just noticed that i always use my left thumb to hit the spacebar button -- i think the left hand is more apt at doing things unconsciously doing things like that whatever that means-- hey i even don't know what i should be thinking and what i should not be thinking and whatever is going over here is not going to make difference in what is not going to happen and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla -- hey bla is more difficult to write than many other things and i don't why but i like the way i write except the fact that i hit the backspace button many more times than i type all the other characters combined -- mathemactically that way you can't write anything coz |hit buttons| < |backspaces| -- got it ?? if not don't worry -- am writing this while i am feeling just to sleepy to do anything and i don't know why i write things that i don't understand and whatever is happening to me i cant' describe i dont' know how to say this but bla bla bla bla bla bla bla -- ya difficult to write and whatever ......

this is the starting of the second paragraph and all i can say i bla bla bla -- hihiihiih
8973870187298=#$@#@#$!@&Y*()&)&*(*+(*()&$@#!@@#~@!%*()()))|+_)+|)+_(_)*(*()&*^&%%^$%@~!~
won i ma gniog ot etirw ni eht etisoppo noitcerrid dna uoy wonk tahw siht si gniog ot eb gnizama dna i evah tog ot wonk taht dna si nettirw sa .............jks dljfkljsdaakjf klsjkld fjklsdjkljasd fjklsdj kfjdskj fklsjdf

should i be writing in leet now .. na .. nay ... no ... nonononon hikli kunja chungi klasdjfkljasdkfjklsdjkljsakl

bye bye for now and see you in hell apollo boy tumy ja ku la ye po re da sum ka red sleezy krite bero kkero nowere nero hero zero toru fodu lodu meeti mitti / / (bye bye ..... bye bye = // got it ????? ) zinda zindabad murda zindagood hi hi hi

2008-03-17T04:32:00.000-07:00

here i am at my room ... news... got from home yesterday (sunday) and found my or marks (30), today got assured of no make up in computer networks viva (5%) - don't know if i will get "anything" more than a zero ... , didn't make a aco group (could get a zero in 10% !!!) , got yesterday my || computing and plcc marks also and had my dms exam today and today is also the last day for withdrawing - am yet to decide if to drop || computing or not -- in 2 hours i have to go for the dropping ... also have to do my context analyser (well the parser hasn't been done but i rely on the hope that i would start on the symbol table by today evening .. maybe after collecting plcc papers at 5:15 .. and the part from then onwards seems to scary and i don't think i can do it even in a week let alone a day or one and a half (actually a week seems realistic only after the given actual deadline -- fact stranger than fiction ?!! --- whatever ) but still i am not starting with the assignment coz ... i guess the most important reason is that am fed up of it ... and also did "atleast" one quesiton wrong in the test 2 of dms -- hope of a grade is becoming negligible -- and the third reason is some philosophical kind reason ...

coming to the dms test i thought something -- i thought why i was so @$@$%^^#~ (inexpressible) that i got the alpha^(27-7) wrong which should have been alpha^(26-7) -- and what i thought was --
7 had to be subtracted -- 27 elements are there ((mind has 7-7 match in same (one's) place)) => 27-7
i dont' know if it would have been right if there was some other number than 7 -- i guess i would have subtracted from the same number (ie 27)
second thought ( i kinda imagined a girl going by (in/to her home) giving the dms paper - was happy and when got to know of her "27 error" said "aan" (sad expressing kinda) and was happy again (as if she was unhappy when she said "aan"...)
one more thought -- if this wasn't a paper i would have forgot it -- and i guess i do wrong because i take it too toughly (toughly ?? need to improve my vocablury) and if i would not take it so seriously maybe i could have got a 20 (and even if i did some mistake -- i wouldn't (kinda) care)
one more thing -- this kinda mistake (how much control do we have over them) can do damage (like in this case -- loss of marks) and something of this sort might be in life too -- (fresh thoght just now came) -- maybe it's just luck -- but maybe after giving the paper i want to minimise my doing of these errors -- and am thinking whether doing || computing would be error (such a error or whatever) -- can we minimize such errors -- we can try -- but we can't defeat luck (in context of life -- not marks -- think important (similar to think high or something))

ok things aside ...(btw one more thing - i thought of flipping a coin to resolve the dilemma of || compuitng - if not once (ynot) then best 2 of three or majority in five or something)

ok now all things aside ...
how do i feel ... aha yes chandertal lake .. if we really go there , i think it would be really good ... ((end)) what do i want and will my life take me to the place where i want to go (not place in the physical sense) -- apparently my future life seems bleak and i feel like i want to break out of all this and get a low paying job where my "other life" ie life other than the work can be pretty good (although i am not able to think what the "other life" should be like -- not even in the ideal sense) .... well i should be going to the real world soon but let me write a lot more now in this imaginative world (imagination without visualization ??? ) i am happy to be a child with imagination and would actually like to make them true -- i am unhappy with boring mechanical repetive boring work - which i expect i would be doing in bangalore as ps2 and job as i feel is now the case with plcc assignment -- it is as i just don't unlike that but "hate" that work (and using khalil gibran's quote i should rather be a begger and take alms from the satisfied ones) -- i feel like i could do any other interesting work and i have to take steps in that direction myself -- my life isn't going to do that for me -- i have to that myself -- change the course of the river that is my life) -- also am thinking (just now) what is my life "NOW" afterall - it's nothing and i don't think this is the way that it should be -- i should have something other than "worrying for academics" in my life -- hmm... here in ||computhing we talk about improving qos (quality of service) by multithreading and all but what do we do about the quality of life ??? - i think i want to be a child again and rethink of all those questions that were left unanswered -- "is my perception of things same as yours?" "what i see yellow do you see it as blue (actually "my blue") but were trained to call it yellow (basically is my yellow the same as yours) or even better is the shapes and all that i see same as yours -- or do you "see" in the same sense as i do - do you speak the same language or it just appears to me (and for that matter do you see at all ?) and so on . ... i've heard that children' brain is not hard-wired - it's flexible and more "active" (doln't know if the right word) than an adult's berain - an adlut's brain is -to some extent- hardwired and mroe "passive" so that (or when) he copes with his environment -- i wnat / wish to unwire it all and think freeely not limited by any kind of thing (i just remembered "keep your head wide open" from the bridge of terapethia and am now giong to amrock it ) (leeme listen to it )

ok ending ... (the song is not the blog) ok now what -- i guess i want to be a photographer looking for beautiful places and moments to shoot -- i guess i want to be an adventurer enjoying those places -- but for all that i have to be powerful - powerful not just to lift my life from a living hell but other's not - not just one or two but a lot more -- i don't "want" to be powerfull -- i have to be -- i need to prepare for the war where i will defend my desires , dreams and (dash dash dash) against the super-powerful-monstorous-barbaric-BORING-ruthless-(mass-swallower) army of my prospective future and for being powerful i need to be able to control myself -- i need to be do thing which i want and should do inspite of what laziness wants/tries me to do -- i have to -- so that i be crushed when the army attacks -- and be a loser for the rest of my life -- or if by some miracle -- emerge victorious and move aruound with happiness and my head high as the victor of one of the most important battles of my life -- note that it is the hate of the work that i need to take care of -- and yes there's an easy way out of the war -- surrender to your future - let ur life drag u around -- but i would want to prefer (that is my laziness - i think- could make me take that option) to be crushed of all emothions/desires rather than surrenderr to the @#$@%$-army of the beasts

ok a momen't rest -- and then we shall continue ...

well more than some time passed -- i decided by tosses of coin (coins infact, after the first coin of two showed indian map more than 3 times in my tosses i became suspected , and then again in sumanths -three or more times the map) the fate of || computing - am keeping it and that means that my this semester is going to eat me alive -- one more thing -- i m not giong to surrender to this semester -- be my grade this sem be 6.0 -- infact i think a lot it luck -- u can do a lot of things wrong in ur life and still ... and u might do the best things but still ... well u might say these are lucky cases (lucky here could be bad-lucky or good-lucky) and in "average" (ie most probable) cases u decide ur life -- well i can only say that i don't beleive in probability -- but this doesnt' mean exactly giving up upon things
as a Khalil quote goes :
"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." -- Khalil Gibran
What i am saying is that we can't control the flow of events - our luck - and in that light i see the above statement as saying what seems to us as joy and what as sorrow as decided by us (not neccessarily consciously) long before we experience them .... ok whatever the meanig is - i m not here for that .... the point is || computing taken -- i have 3 ton of workload and obviously not going to talk about that

i am on linux or else i would have written the following in hindi :
" mana tufaan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika " ( a song )

continuning ...
" majdhar mein naiya dole to majhi paar lagaye
majhi jo naav dooboye , use kaun bachaye "

and someone asked speak to us of adventure and he said :
adventure is a food for our soul -- without it the soul doesn't decay/die or anything but is just passive for man is playing his "role" in this universe -- but with it the soul starts singing and man finds a play in him so amazing that %#$#@ and this feel is what is associated with when the word adventure is heard or thought of -- but this feeling if is pure that is straight from the soul - then the adventure is not just physical -- infact it's mostly spiritual -- empowering -- and in the purest from this play has so much strengh that u can feel the play where no physcial or any other kind of adventure is involved -- this play has the strength to change things but generally avoided for man has play his role in the universe but this role play if accompanined by playing can change a life -- and only a few among the billions are able to handle a lifetime of adventure called play ....

whatever --- coming to the "real world" (ie in comparison to the above paragraph) -- bad luck can "destroy" you (whereas good luck can only "provide" you things/facilites/services , so in some sense bad luck is more powerful than good luck) but what your soul should be is an adventure seeker always , even the bleakest of times:

"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."
-- Kahlil Gibran

i don't know y every now and then i keep quoting the same quotes -- i think i know the answer but -- whatever

"Your daily life is your temple and your religion." -- Kahlil Gibran

Ok i guess i will stop here and continue with my "daily ((BORING)) life" -- well i don't think i should think life that -- your thinking affects a lot to your quality of life ( hey i said on improving quality of life and not service - but anyway i don't want to mathematically access/analyze quality of life) and before i finish i want to do/say something great (for i don't think i will do something great after the blog or this semester for that matter) .... hmmm... let's think :
let's go to wikiquote....

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." -- Rene Descartes (unsourced)

i guess i couldn't find one ... disappointment -- whatever , anyways i should be going now for i have to and my work here is done

bye bye

2008-03-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

still stuck at the age old question of whether to do a ms or a job (mba is experiencing a bit of downstream) but this blog isn't about that ...

it's about what i want to do ....
let's start .. with the fact that i haven't done anything yet in my life that i want to do and especially these years in bits have gone almost totally wasted ( although i think i have become more clear on my understanding of what i want to do or something like that and what the world is about and something like that ) (btw dooba dooba rehta hoon gaana is going on and am liking it ... ) ok where were we ?? nothing done especially in the last three years at bits... and what i want to do foremost is "do something" .. do something not necessarily meaningful but something .... make something of myself ... and live .. not like a dream everyday .. experience pain if that what my following life has to offer to me ... but to experience life while am alive ... to experience myself and die with the satisfaction (sorry it won't be any satisfaction) to know that i tried my best to make my life better (i will never know that and i wonder if i will do anything towards that direction)

ok done with the living ... what do i want to do when i am alive ... living in the mountains and enjoying it's beauty is one thing ... bunjee jumping, sky diving, paragliding, hiking, camping, river rafting , something(s) related to ice like skating etc... basically many of the adventure sports ... and i am going to do a software job (most probable option atleast at this stage of my life) and i am stuck wtih question life wheather to do a (software) job or ms or mba -- none of which i wanna do ... and what's the use of earning anyway if that can't make you happy ?? but as if i have any more options ??? (well to be honest i don't know what options i have ,, life is just dragging me along and i am not resisting, just being sad at things left behind ... like a job i would like ... )

ok live and adventure -- pretty much everything i wanna do (goal of my life ?? :) , dream for sure ... coz goal is something you do everything for which i pretty much doubt)... ok is there anything else left ??? lets' append live my life with be myself (and enjoy, btw "life" till now contained "do something" and some extra teeny tiny things maybe)... anything more ... wanna be free (like zhang ziyi's character wanted to be in crouching tiger hidden dragon).. do things which i think are beyond my capability, revolts against the established things and die at an early age ....

and all can do now is picture myself doing some stupid time-consuming, pretting much mechanical, boring, frustrating job in bangalore .... aaaaaagh ... life sucks ... or so i have made it to ... i think the first thing i "have to" astonish myself is in this job area .... my life has to start before this astonishment and "with this" astonishment ... or maybe something of the following sort will be true (the disappointment part as ...)

"the man who spends half his life telling people what's he going to do probably spends the later half telling people why he couldn't do it " -- something like this by someone

maybe i can change the later half of the sentence to " spendingg the later half remorsing about his current status of life and that he couldnt' do what he wanted to do ...)

ok anyway .. let's go to the dream world again (and when coming back , be realistic about the fact that miracles don't happen , they have to be made to happen , and that's just too much work for a lazy ass like me...)

ummm. is there anything left in the dream world by the way ?

wow i found a better version of a khalib gibran quote that knew (was searching for a philosophical quote of his to end this entry of my blog with)

"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."

-- Khalil Gibran

2008-01-27T08:31:00.000-08:00

i forgot to mention that i had also seen the 70's show just b4 riting the blog and also now, after ahving phoned at home, am watching one more

2008-01-27T08:01:00.000-08:00

feeling very frustrated and don't feel like I wanna spend the rest of my life doing what I don't wanna do .. but as if many people have that option
waise finished claymore today and cried the 2nd time in anime (in the last(26th) episode) and in icup - no progress -- none at all
and also seen heidi before going to food king -- had some feeling of sadness (questions and etc.) while seeing it and spilled some horliks (when the glass was not even half full) and wet my pyjama.

(just now ongoing song(winamp) )
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
maujon ka dosh nahi hai , ye dosh hai aur kisika
majhdhar mein naiyaa dole to majhi paar lagaye
maajhi jo naav duboe use kaun bachae ?
chingari .. hmm hmm hmm (my fav antra of the song)

i feel like doing something to just .... (don't know what to say) (kinda frustrated ... :( )

i feel like i am angry on my own life ... or maybe -- ya, i think it's myself -- i am angry on myself -- for not being able to move the (my) life to the direction i should have or whatever

being weak is a sin
-- (in some foren movie and claymore)

for doing what i should have , what i could have done , and what i have no idea of now coz i didn't do anything .... i am too angry on myself -- or is it just my frustration that is taking it's toll on me ... i fell restless or maybe just frustrated .... yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

could have put more a's but what's the point and ... la lal la la la .... whatever

2008-01-26T02:07:00.000-08:00

Now that I am at my computer screen typing my blog -- I am still confused what my life will be after about a year. The previous blog' question hasn't found any answer yet and there seem no chances that it will soon find them out. And my typing speed is poor as usual ...

Just seen episodes `1,`2 and `3 (12 , 13 and 14 -- typo errors) of Claymore and saw Ophelia gave up her life for something kinda good when she turned into a monster -- well nice episode and before that I had seen an episode of Boy meets World in which the father of Cory Mathews gives up his job because he doesn't like it and then decides to do the same thing just under himself this time -- coz he has to do something anyway but then his wife buys a store where he would be happy and the episode ends.

Well I am also stuck at my Icup score of 21817 which doens't seem to be any good and also no visible chances of it rising and also am planning for a coding event at 730 pm tonight (btw its 339pm). Also was thinking of starting studying as i haven't started yet and also exams start on 30 (btw it's republic day today).

That's pretty much my life -- confusion and nothing substansial -- at the moment the confusion doesn't bother me coz it's not substansial and what bothers me is that there is nothing substansial in my life - or to say it more effectively - there is nothing in my life .. nothing at all. I (currently) am feeling life I want to live. But no idea what to do ... of what ...... ever.

I think that I need to think beyond the ordinary -- event driven life I am leading right now -- academics (studying for tests), music (songs on winamp) and time passing on comp. (serials) can take a hold - something different .... should I google ... I feel not even for googling i should be knowing what I want to google and google cant' tell me that and I have to know that on my own.

Maybe I need to see the question of my future life in context/light of wha'ts more important (or what actually is important) -- but still I don't know what options I have and what could be better -- infact not even the slightest hint on that ...

I feel like wanting to do ms in a mountainous area with a pleasureable climate -- maybe .... well how will the peolple be there ... and why am I daydreaming -- as if it's like a trip and not some ms degree -- maybe it's the climate -- it's too good right now (just that the cold now is just too much for me).

Flying throght the blue sky in the clouds like a dream going by ... ,

ok now i think that i should end my blog as i a mfelling sleepy and i think that i need to go outsiide ... so bye bye ... and hoping to post again soon enough!

2008-01-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

ok it's 6 o'clock in the morning and cold night of 15Jan in Pilani. my 3rd year 2nd sem is going on (Started) and what I am going to write now is a reproducation of what I was thinking in my razai about fifteen to thirty minutes ago :
( Before that , I would like to say that a reproduction is not the original and hence is not "right" -- might miss something or might not say it the way it should -- not natural -- it's like i have prepared to write this blog :) )

Ok, I am now in a kashmkash about three things : gre, mba and naukri (and recently maybe added to the list is what to do this summer?) The question is which is the least miserable ? Well that depends upon luck -- though i think gre might turn out to be a disaster from the start, and job seems to already be a disaster from a start (unless I get in some good company like google and if it is really really good -- means not just monetarily and similar things - so basically nuakri seems to be a sure shot end of life) -- that's why mba crept in - management is something that I didn't wanna do at all but has come in my mind say about 6-9 monts ago--- and what more it has started taking a prominent position in my thinking process -- why -- simply becauseit might turn out to be something I want to do -- something exciting, creativee and routine work if you are not in the mood (brainy or adventerous) and make a lot of money --- but the problem is that i don't wanna leave the field i started with - id on't wanna take my life to a new "rich" direction of management (I am talking as if I have got available position in some reputed institute in the country -- well anyway that's how i think one should think what he/she wants to do in life.) Well anyway the downsides of cat -- 2 years sureshot(apparently) of sadness, pain and trauma :) and then some years of the routine and too boring job to make it to the top to start enjoying your life --- nah, doesn't seem right at all and that too when i have to sacrifice my line of interest (thought I doubt it exists - but I feel it's atleast a part-time one and i don't wanna leave it :) )

well then why don't I think what I wanna do (atleave what I am not going to (or don't wanna) leave).

Well then that's not going to be a part of the reproduction -- just remembered some part of the reproduction i had decided to do -- here's a quote fro m khalil gibran (as I remember it):
"If you don't like what you do, but hate it, then you better leave your work."

Well now some more quotes from him -- from a web page stored on my computer -- first the same one as the above and then some relevant ones that I seem to have forgotten (not that they weren't in my memory) over about the last 2-3 months (about-about coz i m not sure)

(Well just puttin 3-4 or 2 eps of "boy meet world" on download and something else maybe and then coming back :) )

"If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work."

"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."

(only one could be put on download :( )

one more i liked while trying to find the 3rd one :

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."

i think this is the one i have been searching for -- ( well i was going to write "ok, at last" but it didn't feel like the 3rd one -- it's great though and had to look at it again and process it to realize that):

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."

(I had it as my gtalk status message once.)

well just while I am at it - let's look at the other quotes as well (just a quick look kinda thing) and write down some I like at the moment :

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

(ie for me (at the moment) don't get too invovled with things like the 3-trio thing i am worried about these days -- life's not for them ... )

( my own comment :) : "life's not for them" - great insight, huh! )

"The most pitiful among men is he who turns his dreams into silver and gold."

(If it means what I am understanding -- wow!! )

(mba ko maat dedi -- but mba didn't lose any points as it is against gre and naukri :) )

ok then these things are over and so is my reproduction of the thoughts -- so now something i have to think about now -- i was going to write it as continuaiion to this but then i thought why not a new post and now i thought i should give it atleast a day -- that is when i would be really thought about it -- not just churned the machinery of my brain to spill some words to form a post -- could be more than a day -- no deadlines -- no hurry

bye -- wow - i really talk to myself -- and i hope it
feels nice that way (well actually i don't hope that but kinda ...%@#%!#$#$!^& ... whatever feel it ...)

2007-05-05T10:41:00.001-07:00

Life is just a story, with beautiful parts and not so beautiful parts .... some reaaly you know what parts -- ven if you don't know it doesn't matter coz you know why :)
and it doen'st matter how many lives one has (or many have) coz in teh end we are machines (or something very similar -- basically we are predictable - even if .... ) we will just live lives accoring to our "programs" and do something or the other --
this makes no life look better than another
so why not do the things that you (or your program) wants to do -- maybe the algorithm will decide how strong the rebellion against not doing it is going to be , given the circumstances ofcouse -- which are the inputs -- but may there not exist a mathematical model satisfying this input and processing thing and representing a human (or somehint like that -- i wnat to say something -- and incomplete knowledge is disastrous or something like that ... but anyway mathematics is beautiful -- maybe -- or if not i will just call the beautiful as mathmatics -:) maybe :) as ... ) and hence life is something more beautiful -- maybe it's mathematics or something that transcends it ( i know this is just using words to get that paart of your brain -- u know which -- satisfied .... a clear analysis doesn';t require words to explain to yourself what some statematn or something means -- maybe ofcourse -- if you NEED words then maybe you are just joking around with yourself playing with superficial words (here i don't know what superficial actually means but it doens't matter as i am just explaining to myself ... and i only the (current) meaning of it and not a generally accepted version of my perceptions -- and if some one is reading this -- am sorry for being so unclear maybe u should directly talk to me to know what my mind thinks without even telling me (leave alone asking) as i don't think (obviously i pre-assume) that you or anyone (or maybe even me after an year) is oging to understand what i have written here -- and why is all this writing not improving my writing skills -- ma noticing that what commands i give my right and left hands aren't synchronised and that's why i have to use the backspace button -- and i also have to eliminate giving commands that aren't required --- maybe a feedback kinda thing should be used -- not a fuzzy or vague memory or something like that -- now my system files have all gone down -- deeath is just formatting of the hard drive ..... mayvbe .. go to hell how the hell did this v come in between
ok forom now on tyoping practice -- naaaaaaaaaaaa
not going to happen -- maybe i just like the way i type -- resembels my khichdi thinking .. :)
by guys (and gals and ..) c u 2moro -- ofcourse not
bye
neend aa rahai hai
chain se sone wale

2007-05-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

2007-05-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

currently opened notepad2 and supposed to write something what i was thinking but in a rather productive manner ... but i don't whay my that mood has change d and am thinking thta i will wirite something else may be a story or something ... let's do that after seeing rishi's blog ....

o shit be use comment nahi kiya ... chalo shayad ye likhne k baad karenge ya shayad nahi karegne
abhi phir gaane likhne shuru karein kya

chalo ek question dimaag mein aaya -- to take the laptop with me in the ps or not .. ?? good question ... kyonki sab keh rahe hain k mein bahut hi zyada bore ho jaunga -- par this is the only time .. maybe .. that i think i will be without a comp and should i miss this time -- will i really get too bored -- maybe yes , and very unlikely not ... :)

ok lets see what do i wnat to do in ma life ?? i have a ps to go and then one more year in bits (which will be 1.5 years if luck doens;t favour me or something like that .. ) and after that what -- no idea -- will i get bored -- too bored in ma life ... man is a social animal - you can live with people you can talk with doing things that you don't like or wanna do -- ok a break

really good song

na tu zmein k liye hain a aasmaa n k liye
tera wajood ahi ab sirl f daastaan k lie
na tu zamein k liye hai na aasmaan k liye

ye song pura karke likhna challo karte hai n...

wiating for the antra

palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga
wo shaak hina rahi jo thi aashiaan k liye
na tu zameen k liye hai na aaasamman k liye
second antra follows ;;

garaz parast jahan mein wafa talash na kar
ooooooo
garaz parast jahan mein wafa talash na kar
ye sahi bani thi kisi doosre jahan k liye
tera wajood hai tera wajood hai ab sirdf daastaan k lye
na tu zammen k lye hai na assmaan k liye

na tu zameen k lyiye hai na assmaan k liye na tu zameen k liye hai na aasmaan k kliye tera wajood hai terea wajood hai ab sirf daastaan k liye na tu zameend k liye hai na aasmaan k liye

phirse sun raha hoon gana :0
palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga
wo shaakh hi na rahi jo thi aashiyaan k liya
na tu zameen k liye hai na aasmaan k lye

garaz parast jahan mein wafa talaash na kar
poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
garaz parast jahan mein wafa talaash na kar
ye shai bani thi kisi doosre jahan k liye
tera wajjod hai tera wajood ahi a b sirf saataan k lye
na tu zammen k lye hai na aasmaan k lye

ye naya gana kaunsa hai ... likhna hai kya lag to nahi raha

chalo let's continue whre wer we ??
yup upar dekhke yaad aaya
pani re pani tera rang kaisa .. sorry gana to likhna nahi hai
lage us jaise pani re pani ....
sorry again

yup man is a social animal and soem thig some thign ....

no i think that i like listing ot this soing and i will ..
is duniya mein jine wale aise bhi n\hain jite rukhi sukhi khaate hain aur dhanda pani pete tere ek hi
pani re pani bhooke ki bhookh aur pyaas jaisa ....

kya *****iya gana hai ye ... par mast bhi hai saath hai :)

ganga se jab mile to banyta g

badal se mile to sawan
sawan aaya sawan aaya rimjhim barse pani
aag pehenkar aag arudgkar pehehk phigli jai chat tapakti
pani re pani tera rang kaise
duniya bananrewale rab jaisa

waise to rang to mein terra jalw a rang jamai
jab t u gire ummed jlf
pathachge ja paigaam...

abe yaar gana change kiya to sur ka aa bhi ja lag gaya

kya buri kismat hai
aaj to blog hi nahi lihg paaonga

aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah aa bhi ja
raat ko kar vida dilruba aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah a abhi ja
raat ko kar vida dilruba aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subha haa bhi ja
...............
nice music ...
...............
mere dil pagalpan ki aur sima kya hai
yun to tu hai meri chaya tujhme ho ter a kya hai
main hoon ganag tu hai zamemen a
ratt k okar vida
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subha aa bhi aj
raa kk o (shit ye line nah i boli be usne .... )

mas t guitar / violin music -- haan shayd violin hi hai ...

dekh o chahe jisko kutch kutch dkikhat hkyon hai
jaaoon na mein tera mera rishta kyon kaise kahoon kitan baichain hai ter e bina
raat ko kar vida dilruba aa bhi jaaaaaaaa
aabh i ja aa bhi ja (thisi s the feamle voice running o k ... )

gana chamgae kar raha hoon ....

listenig to na tu zameen k liuye again but not writng this tiem ... bye ....
nest song plyaing is -- chura liya hai tume jo dil ko -- chlao ye bhi sutne hai ....
an d the female voice is singing first ....

oka b bhaurt hua gane sun liye , galat spelings type liye and bahanr time pass kar liya
a b kaam ki baat karte hain and ye gaaane band karta hain -- waise bhi sadiya l gana baj raha hai -- boomboomboombenga boyes -- paused -- par blog ka end ek gana likh k hi karoonga ....

yes kahan the -- mein bolre ho jaoonga - man is a social animal -- you can do things you don't wanat to do as long as ou are with those that you can speak with -- but what about the things that you wanna do -- will you get company -- will you be no lazzy enough to try try to do those things -- be able to do the mehnat to try to acheive those things ??
laziness -- the virtue by which a person doens't evn do the things he/she really wants to do
shynesss - the felling of embarrassment when diong something - thinking what will otheres think of it
laziness + shyness -- proper conditions -- dealy combo -- waste all the time in bits ...

ek one liner yaad aay -- pata nahi one liner sahi naam hai k nahin par ye tha -- kutch aisa :
the nam who spends half of this life telling people what he will do probably spends the rest half of his life telling why he couln't do those things ....

it's beutiful when u thing of it that my life is all meaning less and all (evnascence ka gana sunna padega ab to bring me to life ... )

how can u seee into my eeys leadein down into m ycore where i become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeing soemwhre col until fin ....

yup whre was i -- it's so beutiful that my life is so meaningless -- means it's may be the ony beauty my life has (contraadictory meaningful pun sentence isn't it )
why is ti beautiful ... well why am i not wanting to do anything -- why am i different -- why am igiving up onto the flow of life and not making my life inot a forece that will make my feelings flow -- why am is tuck with anazlysing things like thihs -- thinking doesn't cook rice -- but maybe am liucky that i think thses things becoz this is practivcal -- maybe my luck is heling me hre- -- but my luck -- if it's taking me to change the face of my llife so that it can end with a shot -- the nveven am going under the flow of life -- under the flow of circumstances -- can i be something else -- can i be over these ?? what is the feeling that is making me waqnna do that -- that is the feeling of aggressivenses combined with the feeling of freedom -- maybe -- just my hypothesis -- but whatever -- abhi rathi ne awwaz mar iand mein bhoool gaya ki main kya shoch araha that -- shayad mera dimmag sochne men hai hi nahin and ye speeliing mistakes muhe pura yakkeen hai k iye itni ho gain hongi ki ek tub to bhar hi jayega ....

ok i don't hink i ma wiring this bog anymoer but ending it wiht that ... --

i want to do what i want to do and i can't do anything about it if luck is not with me (but what if luck is only adverse) -- it's so beautiful of luck to make a person helless -- helplessness can be wonderful (ofcourse noty always) -- and even if i want ot do what i want to do -- thinking doesn't cook reice --
who wants rice anyway (ya am not inot thinking what i ma writing here .. am just flowin flwoin and flwoing -- abe ye to do g's miss ho gaye re ... )

it's easy to see cartoons and tv stuff of people doing things and getting aggressive -- but it's not the same doing these in real life -- infact you give up even before starting to clear your life to welcome or accomodate those things that possibly pave the way for the things that you like to do -- be alive -- before being dead -- death is beautiful but you will have to live to experience that fact -- <> -- boredom getting too much is good -- giving you energy to jump over to another more adventous path -- it is when it's gets too much that it starts getting better ..... yu have to have a rebellion inside you -- so betyter have a verty bad government thatn a bad one -- yup -- explode man explode --

Thanx a lot God , thank yio very mcch (sorry for the spelling mistakes -- yo know what i mean :) )

Love you god and ..... ( i don't want to make a wish so am discontinuing writng )

2007-05-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

maut hi aakhri maut hi aakhri bas dava hai meri
maut hi aakhri bas dava hai meri
khush rahe tu sada ye dua hai meri

ek aur gana
mast mood ho raha hai

aane se uske aaye bahar
jane se uske jaye bahar
badi mastaani hai meri mehbbooba
meri zindgani hai meri mehbooba
( this para again )
soryr gtalk pe tha isliey likh nahi pyaa

rishi ne kaha ki gane likhta rehta hai tu to blog
pe
par maza aata hai re ......

ban sawar k nikle aaya
har koi ye samjhe hogi wo koi
poocho to kaun hai wo
rut ye
meri mehbooba
meri zindgani hai meri mehbooba
badi mastani hai meri mehbooba
um m hmm m. . . . . . . .
um m hmm m .......

second after i cant' pretend trying ot bend the who you my way from you iw ant to be so let me go let me take m i rather beg all alonge anywhere on muy on so thvery firsr t par i remevber listengin to all person really is me tring to bend the ther more i opus lying my way from ou i wnat to be so let me go let me take begt all alone anywhrer on my won i can sya ther very firrst party of you is me thsi sint' waht i wante to be i nefer thousghit ......
i wnat to be so let me go let me take back my begt all alone anywehre on my own i can say so wver y wosr t par t of you si mwe

mere naina sawan bhaado phir bhi mera man pyaasa phir bhi mera man pyaasa
mere naina sawan bhaado phir bhi mera man pyaasa phir bhi mera man pyaasa
ai dil deewane
khel hai kya jaane
dard bhara ye geet kahan se in honthon pe aaya
door kahin le jai
bhool gaya kya bhool k bhi hai
mujhko py.. zara sa
phir bhi mera man pyaasa

baat poorani hai
ek kahani hai
ab sochon tumhe yaad nahi hai
ab anih bhoole
wo sawan k jhoole
rut aaye rut jaaye dekar jhootha ek dilaasa
phir bhi mera man pyaasa

barson beet gaye
humko mile bichde
bijli bankar gagan pe chamki beti samay ki rekha
maine tumko dekha
man sang aankh micholi khele aasha aur nirasha
phir bhi mera man pyaasa
mere naina sawan bhaado phir bhi mrea man pyaasa
phir bhi mera man pyaasa
ph///....

hello my frined we meet again feels like forever
within my heart of memories
a p ere fect lfove
o i eremmer
when u are with me
i m fere i m careless i believe
o ..... we'ss vbflfy
this bring s rtears to my eys
my sacrifice

withing our share of ups how quickly life turn aroung in a n instant
it feels good to witni your mind let's find peace when u rare tih me i m free i m careles i belive
o ... others wel'' fly this brings tears t o my eyes my sacrifice
i just want to say hello again
i just want ot say helllo agian
when u are with me i m fee an careles i belive
baboe alla the otheres wel'' vbly wthis brfings tgears to my eeys
when u rare tiwth me i m free i m carelss i vbelibe
avble all the others we'ell fly this brings tears to my esys
my sacrifice ....
m y sacx
i jsut wnat to say hello again
ai jsut wnat to say hello again
tu ru utu ru .... rurut t ut .. . .
m y sacrifice ...

chalo bhai about 15-20 room se bhar hoke aaya ....
ab ek do gaane aur likhke mess jaate hain

ye reshmi zulfein
ye sharbati aankhein
inhe dekhkar ji rahe hain sabhi
inhe dekhkar ji rahe hain sabhi
ye reshmi zulfein
inhe dekhkar ji rahe hain sabhi
ihe ddkehkar
ji rahe hai n sabhi

jo ye aankhein sharam se jhuk jainge
saari baatein yahin bas ruk jainge
chup rehna ye afsana
koi kin
ka inhe dekhra pe rahe hain sabhi
ye reshimi zulfein ye sharbat i inhe dekhark
ji rahe hai nasabhi

zulfeing magroor itni h o jainge
dil ko tadpainge ji ok tarsainge
yue kar dengi koi ninko na batlna
k inehe dkehkar ji rahe hain asbi
inghe dkeh kji rahe hai n sabhi
saare inki shikayat karte hain
saare inki shikyat karte hain
phir bhi inse mhobaat karte hian
ye kya jaado jhai jaane phir chak ... deewnae
inhie dekhkar si rahe hain sabhi
ihne dekhar si reha
ye reshmi zulfein ye shartvbat a inhe dekhar ji rahe hai n sabhi
inhe dekhar ji rahe ahi n sabhi

abhi ek chini gana baj raha hai -- to likhe t o nahi sakta
and uske baad mess jana hai :)

ok now let's write somethign into this blog that's not a song or something but .... uh whatever ...

2007-04-08T05:05:00.000-07:00

ya was doing mt and now am listening to songs and a mwriting a blog entry with my monitor closed.

Ok so let's start with the good (whatever) news) -- i have got ps in bangalore -- a little worse (or who knows what) part -- in whitefiled bangalore which is in the outskirts of bangalore and most probably about (or approximately) 1.5 hours from the place i will get a decently cheap accommodation (google se pata chala ki accommodation mein do m aate hain :) ) - ok so kaise karna hai ye sab kutch patanahi and jitne paise lagne wale hain patanahi kahin ghoomne ka bhi man kare na kare -- and most important for the places that are good but far and costly -- let's see -- kitne naye dost bante ahin -- kis kis k saath room share karna ahi and all that stuff -- anyway i hope that that place in whitefiled (yuken india) is a nice place and has good (natural) surroundings

ok now over with the ps stuff let's talk about exams -- es ka exam hai par kutch padne ka man nahi kar raha -- lagata hai pehli baar ek zero launga test mein (tut mein to aate hi rehe hain) -- um.. hmm... -- chalo bhai test ki bhi aisi ki taisi

abhi death note ka music baj raha hai -- sahi lag raha hai -- ok so abhi kya kar raha hoon -- kutch nahi -- par kutch to kar hi raha hoon - and soch raha hoon ki baad mein mere paad kutchi bhi karne ko hoga kya -- meinaning kya mujhe aisa to nahi lagega ki koi saat hnahi hai to shaadi kar leni chahiye thi coz us time agar jo karna chahunga usmein koi saath nahihoga to shayad ore ho jaunga -- humm... kabhi zinagi k baare mein aise nahi socha and abhi soch raha hoon let's ee if this thinking goes far enough -hmm... ye topic bhi khtaam

and now mein kutch bhi nahikar raha hoon par ye likhna chod k to kutch karne ko hi dhondoonga -- kabhi nahi socha tha ki jeen k liye kutch kaam dhoondna padega -- not work for money -- but for living -- living -- just going by --
death note ka music is maamle mine inspiring ya kutch type hai -ab aap sochenge ki ... patanahi ye kya kar raha hai and all that par...

ok abhi tak to bahut spelliing mistake kar hi di hogi chalo abhi kutch dhang se bhi likh hi lete hain - hm.. jo gana aa raha hai wo likhte hain --
awaara hoon tu ru rur ru
ya gardish mein hoon aasmaan ka tara hoon
ya repeated stuff i am not writing
ghar baar nahi sansaar nahi mujhse kisi ko pyar nahi
us paar kisi se milne ka .../
awaara hoon
awaara hoon
ya gardishm ein hoon aasmaan ka tara hoon

chodo chodo (it was chalo chodo -- spelling mistake :) now maybe u get a bit how my mind works (or doesn't) ) -- kutch aur karte hain par pehle gana badalte hian

i am not doing what i wanna do and i am not what i wanna be -- ho le liya dil ho hayerea dil -- chura liya hia tumen jo dil ko nazar nahi churana sanam badal k meri tum zindgani ...

bahar banka aaon kabhitumhari duniya mein guzar na jayein ye din kabhi isi tamanna mein tum mere ho aaj tum itna vada karte jana jo dil ko nazar nahi churana sanam*+

sajaunga lut kar bhi tere badan ki daail ko lahoo jigar ka doonga teri badan hasein laboon ki lali ko
hai wafa kya is jahan ko ik din dikhla doonga mein deewana
nazar nahi churana sanam badal k meri tum zindgani kahin haim era dil behlana ...........

"save me from the nothing i hve become"
-- evanescence (bring me to life)

2006-12-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

just writing as if it is a ritual but anyway it's the last - so ....

ok so we were here to do stuff that we thought we had to do - we don't ever think that all this is temporary or that every thing changes -- what's the use of burning dvds for movies -- means ...
the last three dots mean more than just , you know ...

ok so think differently -- tu bhi to tadpa ...

think that's enuf for now - goes with the spirit :) (find of the day : it's night stupid :) )

Hemi-PS : local effects take over better* thoughts .

2006-12-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Ok why am I writing this -- coz I have nothing else to do and why am I continuing to write this -- coz I don't have anything else to continue with either -- my life is just a chemical reaction -- not exactly coz I don't like chemistry (whatever that does mean) and about my life - I exactly don't know exactly maybe -- ok then -- after a long time -- a really long time a story -- just writing anything and everything that comes to my mind -- without editing -- so read on your own risk -- if the following content damages your brain working in any manner or breaks your beliefs regarding anything -- then do blame yourself coz it doesn't matter to me :)

Any coincidence ** ** ** * ** * ** * ** * * * ** * * will be totally conincidental .

Green fiels, red sky and some chocolate storm -- that is how you can describe this guy's weird dreams -- this guy who lives the orange desert of the rocky mountains and does his studying by teaching human type character to other life forms and giving them an ice candy made of strawberry flavour that tastes like a magnetic pyjama hanging in the corridor of John Nash's mercedes that came first in digging a hole through the mind a hundred times the intensity of light -- ok that was no imagination -- now just for some time -- let me imagine something -- well imagine and write as well - that's too much work to do all of together - so let's divide it -- na, maza nahi aayega !

ok here it goes

This person who had just been married to the one he loved and had a nice job and was on the perk of happiness of his life - in his happiness took his wife to Manali and they had an accident - the accident was cute and nice but then they decided they should have a child insted, just joking (or if you like, pj-ing) but anyway - he was in the hospital and then and there he laid and felt as if all those he ever knew in this world didn't exist anymore -- this was more of a weird feeling, but even more was it's effect on him -- could he live to continue living ? could he find some one else whom he could be friendly with -- but anyways -- he had nobody coming there to ask if he was alright or not and anyway he would be better off in another world than be in this to see his wife dead or as good as dead. Anyway, he continues to think, that everyone is gone - he, as the instruments around him give the idea, is in some future time and now he has to live alone and just then a nurse comes and he sees her and passes a smile which is returned back and now starts to think that all relationships are just for time pass - an essential ingredient in the meal call the necessity of life, infact we just wrap ourselves around other people coz we can't live without it - loneliness is the thing we live to kill - that's it and as I recall that one of my Hindi textbooks had this written in it that man is a truly social animal and ... ... solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments that can be given ( I think the chapter was by Bhai Parmanand). So he thinks that if he want to live, that is in the case in which he wants to live he should just get acquainted with people and he tries to ask the nurse her name - but - what - he can't speak - he's trying to but can't so now what - how does he ask her her name or anything and why the hell isn't he thinking about him being dumb -- don't know but don't think that matter, ----- ok a pause --- a good Hindi song is going on ....

so rest of the story afterwards (that mostly never comes) coz I am feeing sleepy right now -- so and anyway I wasn't imagining the story - I was semi-imagining it as how else could I write it at the smae time ????

2006-12-01T10:02:00.001-08:00

ok now I am going to listen to a dbz video with the audio of "my sacrifice". I love this song. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
actually am listening to it !!!

2006-12-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

ok now I am going to listen to a dbz video with the audio of "my sacrifice". I love this song. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

well this was my status msg some time on gtalk and it didn't appear completely, so I am more than completing it here (which I would have done otherwise too) :

why do I try to customise my desktop and almost everything in my life when life itself can't be customised. ........ Luck, the random part of life, is what makes it fun, else it would be boring but we usually try to customise things, the things we do in routine -- routine which is against the random spirit of life , so live don't customize . . . . . . . . . . . We live to have good things in life -- but good things aren't the ones that are making you live - it is the struggle to get them and avoiding the unpleasant things as much as possible.

That's the truth of human life (maybe) -- we live and try to do things that we think we want to do or doing things that are done just in the flow of life (might be boring things, infact really boring, and might even be something we really don't wanna do -- just damnit doing them) or do things to pass time (we pass time some time just like it or when we need to -- i.e. we have nothing else to do -- but, maybe, most of the times it's a hybrid of both) or doing things that need to be done in order to "live" -- (like the life of a prisoner or some hijacked -- basically something like that) . So in the end we are just doing what will be done by us -- you just do what you do -- nothing else --- and what you do is not something great -- it's just a response by you ( a system ) to your circumstances and what all we feel is just something that in included in the response of the not us to us , any great feeling, any good feeling, any bad incident are all just there -- they are not good or bad -- they are what we like or not -- moral values, it is said that everyone in their heart knows should be there, some obvious things are there in the world which are wrong and should not be done -- but no wrong -- it is just unpleasant to think of such things -- cruel is a word given to an activity that induces a particular type of mental unpleasantness - and I suppose that among those doing it (with their own will), there will be many that not only not feel the unpleasantness but enjoy it instead -- so can it be said to be good for them and bad according to the others ?? Well maybe good and bad is some standard that is more acceptable -- or in other words many people feel the same thing -- but they might also be doing some thing that is "conventionally bad" but whatever whosoever might be doing -- everyone is just doing what they ought to be doing -- there is no purpose to anything -- purpose just like many other words is just a human invented word -- and now when people are too free to think like me, they try to associate this word to things like life and all -- well hell purpose is just something you are going to do -- doesn't mean you live for it -- and when you know it's not the purpose that makes you live but you trying to get it (infact many of them one after the another), then you are, maybe, going to lose a purpose to many a lot things and well I think that should be better -- you tried to get a purpose to something you shouldn't have and you end up losing purposes to things you normally have - some so often every day routine things -- you just think what's the use of it -- well it might help you to get rid (well I don't think so) of just going through life doing the (boring) things that come in our lazy way, But where does that bring me now -- just living not knowing what to do -- not interested to do anything (well actually not -- we are just machines and machines have reactions (no need to think chemical here) going on all the time and we react/respond accordingly) and well here I am - just there - now what -- a man put in the centre of a crossroad of some planet and he doesn't have any previous memory (just made now or maybe mind-formatted) -- not knowing anything -- just seeing this world -- well he will just do things but will just do -- for no reason except for just doing them -- and that's where I am -- just doing them I don't know what I am doing them for and bla bla bla bla bla bla -- why am I even writing this blog - this makes no sense -- well may be I write blogs because I enjoy the typing it involves but still why am I writing stuff like this -- it doesn't even give me any pleasure -- well I think it's just like that and for nothing else but still .... Ok new para man.

So now what -- things seem too unimportant now for me to pursue -- coz of this factor called luck ------ hey I just realized that I didn't implement what I had written that I would know what 1 is , anyway I don't really finish many things and bla bla bla .. Haji Ali song is going on by the way -- baba haji ali baba haji ali -- piya haji ali piya haji ali piya haji ali piya oh -- ok anyway - no purpose and just going on - should I continue with that or should I continue writing this blog post -- well I don't know ok something I had thought of putting at the end of this blog post but now - as a change - I am putting it right now -- it's a message (most probably forwarded) to me by Apoorva on orkut, so here it goes the intersting thing (the only one in this blog) :

/**Start**/

U know you live in 2006 when...

1. You go to a party, sit down and take pics

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they
don't have MSN/Bebo/MySpace.

4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just
pushing the button on the TV.

6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.

7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

9. You were too busy to notice number five.

10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.

11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.

12. Repost if you fell for it. You know you did

/**END**/

well after reading this (and laughing and all), I also felt a little bad -- I don't know why - just another emotion (maybe perhaps) but anyway life goes no matter what the hell it is and will always go on for everybody -- but I am satisfied with this - just not satisfied -- well maybe I actually am satisfied - and now that I am thinking about it - I think that my non-satisfaction is interesting -- uh the changing patterns of the brain -- just happen things but anyway all this - if it's a reaction will continue -- and if not -- well does it matter - does anything -- in the end -- what end -- what are we thinking here -- much of our thinking of some such issues is so badly framed by the society (society includes media and all) that I think I will have to start thinking every like think from the beginning/scratch whatever - so here goes the clogging of my brain -- not thinking anything -- so I shall let it be - no worrying the little old junk rusted 3&&!$*DFFS brain. Ok but I shall end this blog in leet .

/ * * * * * * 7H3 3nd * * * * * * /

2006-11-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

हाँ बहुत वेला हूँ दोपहर के एक बजे । अभी-अभी ऐम-टी के लैब-टैस्ट में 8 की जगह तीन नम्बर बड़वाकर आया हूँ और उस समय काफी उदास हो गया था, पर अब थीक है - काइन्ड-औफ़ कोइ परवाह नहीं है । सब थीक है बस ये हिन्दी लिखने में बहुत तकलीफ हो रही है - मतलब उतनी तेज़ नहीं लिख पा रहा जितना कि सोचा था । चलो अभी खाना खाने जाना है - बस थोड़ा और लिखते हैं । अभी खाने के बाद क्या करना है ? चलचित्र ? वैल अगर और कुछ नही मिला तो शायद यहीं या फिर एनिमे । वैसे मैं कोइ काम करने की सोचूंगा क्या ? पतानहीं, देखते हैं । चलो चलते हैं अभी खाना खाने । समय अभी - 1:00 पी-ऐम ।

2006-11-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

चली भैया हिन्दी में आज तो ब्लौग ।
कल मेरा MT का पेपर है और मैं यहाँ ऐसे टाइम पास कर रहा हूँ ।
चलो वैसे physics और chemistry थोड़ा-बहुत तो पड़ ही लिया है । चलो कोशिश करते हैं कि एक-डेड बजे तक सब हो जाए - मतलब जितना भी हो जाए थीक ही है । इससे ज़्यादा कर भी क्या सकते हैं ! बस इसे यहीं रोकता हूँ और वैसे ये हिन्दी लिखना भी बहुत समय खाता है । चलो भाई अलविदा ।
Thank you everyone , thanx a lot !!!

2006-11-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday, 25th November, 2006. Went to Delhi today and came back !!! without even going to home once. But one thing is there, all happiness and sadness in the world is relative. Maybe not, sadness and happiness generally have the same criteria, the same basic criteria but still there is something there that is there and that is luck maybe - yes kind of makes sense - I am thinking what I am thinking because of the position I am in - I feel sadness and happiness relative to that and someone else feels them according to the position they are in. It's just a reaction to a favourable situation according to your mentality which in turn is maintained by situations. So it doesn't matter - you don't have control over the situation you are in (maybe) and neither do you have control over whether the situation turns out in favour or not - so I am happy - kinda no more sadness in not being able to do something (if it's because of circumstances not of my laziness) and kinda feel good everything goes right but not wrong if it goes wrong because you can always take a turn in life - anyway the life is (supposedly) finite - even if it is not, does it matter - just do what you want to and fuck everything else - well your emotions won't let you do that - just being cheerful in life is not possible - even if it I am now not interested in that - obviously you should think about things (prefferably not worry maybe) but you won't be thinking about the things about which you are worried about now.
So go through the life after thinking what matters, and you will find something new, well maybe not - this is not a fairy tale - greater knowledge could bring greater grief (who am I lecture which I attended some time ago) - but anyway - it makes sense to acknowledge whose part has come itself to you and it makes sense to see through your life - what the heck is it and what's it made up of and what exactly matters - I think the last question is the most important question and should be answered - hey what's the meaning of should by the way - well anyway I (now) don't like this word so let's guss it and send a new one in stead - which one should I send - ummmm - should I send - SHOULD I ? Well this should can go the hell and I am not taking care of this word and replacing it with anything else.
So the jist - well actually have to analyze but maybe - you are going the wrong way in your life if you take a look at it - you just find that this is not the way you want to go - you want to go some other way - this may not be the best way, whatever best means - well limiting it to - this may not be the best happy/"feel good" way - and maybe you don't even want that one (and maybe that one's a contradiction) - but anyway you just feel you should - na - want to go some other way - and what does that path hold ?? - does it matter ?
La La La - another thing, time passes, thoughts pass, great men pass (whatever great means) and so will this thought ! A ripple in time wave - nothing else - of no importance (whatever importance means), a subprocess thinking too much of itself - pathetic, pathetic, pathetic !!!
Me : But does the above thing matter ? ?? : Pathetic !
Me : I am a sub-process so what is wrong if I am too proud -- the process cannot go on without a subprocess !
?? : Do you really think so ?
Me : Well no, but does that matter - if I am ok with being over-proud and die without any brunt of it ?
?? : Can't you think anything beyond "does that matter" ?
Me : Maybe but does that matter ?
?? : Think this way does it matter to think does it matter or not ? (Maybe this ?? was me only)
Me : For that I will have to think does it matter !!!
?? : Think beyond ??!!
Me : What's beyond ?
?? : Does it matter ?
Me : Well tell the meaning atleast !
?? : Does it matter ?
Me : Don't know, haven't thought and haven't realized !
?? : Can you think beyond your thinking ? Does there exist a beyond ? Is there a more meaningful question that "does it even matter?" ?
Me : Does it matter ?
?? :
Me : May be .. So just let it go, kind of ??!!!
?? : If you can find out whatever all think meant - congratulation to you and if not then keep yourself satisfied with an appropriate answer to does it even matter ? ?
Me : Ok, cya around, bye !
Disappearance is an art that can't be learnt by everyone - coz thoso who do disappear !
Non-existing is a supreme art that can't be learnt by anyone - coz if you do - who am I talking to !! have I gone nuts talking to myself !!
Time pass : go to hell, I am sleeping this definition I am not writing but one I shall - from my experience - kindof umm, maybe:
Laziness - the virtue by which a living being - of the same whatever level as a human being - does not (evev) do something which he/she/*e wants to do. [* is used here as a wild card and can be replaced by any number of characters except spaces]

2006-11-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today is Friday, the last one of the second last month of the year 2006.
So what am I goin to do now -- nothing, just sleep as I have to go to Delhi tomorrow - for what nothing much - infact it's kind of a trip as for me it's not worth the time spent on it (infact the time spent is not the matter but the way the time that will be spent in the journey will be killing). Anyway I see it as a trip which I have to take - and I get atleast the advantage that my project will start sooner, maybe.
In any case - today's best thing - we got the stepper motors working (maybe and the we doesn't include me) and something amazing was happening - the motor was working whenever it wanted to - the circuit being the same, it worked for some time interval and just started working and then stopped - as so ever it wished - or more properly as so ever we wished, being more sensitive to Rishi. It started when we wanted to or when we brought Rishi's hand closer to it with the story for it's stopping being the same.
Ok so we are done with today's story - let's search something else - ok I am writing this blog on my transparent window of notepad2 instead of the blogger window -- easy way - even if the window doesn't open now I can write now and post it whenever it is. Ease of manipulation an anyway it fells good when you are typing on a transparent window.
OK before ending - we had mess veg grub and we have rejected the microcontroller available in the lab and I thought I would also make a new blog which would not be for anything - so a more refined thing - rather than a piece of junk ( I seriously do not beleive this blog is a piece of junk ). So let's see if I do it or not.
Without taking much time --- hey I like typing --- I would like to end this file but before that a thing -- looks have a phychological effect so they have effect on your thinking -- so that would apply to you as well --- well think mathematically -- only if you see yourself in the mirror very often :). JUst kidding/joking/whatever.
And now the end of it -- the song going on/ was just going on is/was somewhere I belong - or that was what he was saying in the end of the song, and the song going on now is "zindagi hai duya to kya".
To bye , tc (not turbo c but take care and if you had thought otherwise, it's vice versa ), sayonara, come to office yourself (khuda-afice), achcha alvida (good bye) and aise hi (so on), etc ..
Time to go the dn I me felling sleepy now da ta (not data but tata oh ta ta -- or good bye, jstu fellign sleepy)
k bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
no k but ok from now on -- ok !!!

2006-11-17T00:17:00.000-08:00

waise to main kal hi likna chahta tha post par cp aur mt ka test aur raat k baje hoon sade gyarah and you haven't even started --- to kya - waise aaj mt dia - jo exp choda wahi aaya - some grating; some = d**.. don't remember the name right now but anyways - poocha kya karna hai - khush tha ki nahi aata hua experiment itna badiya ja raha hai - but something went wrong - d**.. grating constant didn't have the dimension of length but I wrote it in armstrong and even converted that to meter - par chalta hai paper khatam hone k baad to -infinity bhi aayein to bhi chalta hai
and aal this for what -- just some course doing which I get so sleepy that I can't resist it nomore
anyways sad / bad things aside and let's look at our project for a moment -- micromouse for iitb techfest
dekhte hain -- abhi to koi kaam shuru nahi hua par aaj karenge
lab jaenge vi and dekhenge kya hota hai
and maine abhi tak microcontroller ki book abhi udha k bhi nahi dekhi and st7 pe search bhi nahi maara
dhoda bahut to aana chahiye microcontoller k baare maine nahi to boora lagta hai
chalo abhi search maarke fir continue karte hain likhna
chalo ho rahi hai search
to kya irada hai hamara --- abhi to kutch nahi and ek do seniors ko dekh k BITS ka level to nahi bada aakhon mein par haan abhi sochne pe zindagi aur bhi bekar kar rakhi hai aisa lagta hai -- karta kya hoon main poora din -- kinda time paas -- jaisa abhi kar raha hoon :) ?!
ok some distraction to this
let's see how -- maybe hmmm...... - well this is where my blog ends and let's change the song
red eyes are coz they not any other color -- or may be just coz of the mechanism of the receptor -- or mixed / hybrid -- or maybe coz red is the color that that --- aah time paas nice try but ye meri typing speed fast kyon nahi hoti and main itni baar backspace kyon dabata hoon ?
k now let's go -- bye !!!

2006-11-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

ah, back to the blog after a really long time
let's see today is the 2nd of november and last time I came here was june
so what do I have 2day, nothing just have to study for the maths exam 2moro -- the course is terrific - not in the good sense but some what like hell you can say -- BITS has this special property of making us bright students lazy -- no compulsory attendence -- and you open the book just b4 the exam to know that there are some symbols you have to first decode to understand the thing and where do you land up -- wanting not to study -- but you have to -- you can't just write nothing in the exam -- you don't feel good and if you go this way -- you are just going to screw your grade -- so I think this stratergy needs to be improved -- no not starting early -- start late -- not as late as today -- do in small quanta -- and try not to do as much yourself as possible -- go take some "advice" -- any way no one uses them themselves -- so just do this thing, if possible obviously, know what kinda questions are going to come coz you aren't going to even try understand the things anyway -- so get how it is going ok!

now so what's the final strategy : do the neccesary according to what's worth it and don't be lazy in atlest this. That's it : this is the raaz of being active in academics -- well its better than atleast thinking that this much is not worth it when your study has futile parts you know and when you misunderstand things -- so confirm with many people - and when you do the things efficiently -- let me right it the mathematics way:
let x be the effort to study the effort to worth ratio and a domain D (ie limited values/range of effort and worth) and y be the suitable effort acc. to this study but y is suitable not if that gives the best ratio in the domain but (x+y) does -- so can't spend much on x too -- so how do you decide without calculating -- let's do some - x>0 ye and do as much that that doesn't bother you and if y done doesn't bother you then done else ??? well go on the feeling -- that is all you can do -- and anyway le morale de le storie est it is not the best the matter but the one that doesn't bother -- so changing your tolerance can be an Idea -- you mean study -- no way -- so what else can b changed -- negative tolerance -- well that is ignorance -- but ignorance is bliss -- how do I know -- don't judge something you see/read/hear anywhere (i remember moi repri paper -- the newspapers thing), ok anyway - i just forgot what I was writing and without remem -- ah I rememberd it -- so bad -- anyways let's continue.
so what's next in this pitiful life -- well going by the adjective there is pity -- ye -- but who's pitying ? -- no-one - so that should be a pitiless life -- so pitiful -- anyway piti(pity*) is just a four letter word (some notpron thing)
and now the best thing of the day -- it going to be over -- ye
well you might be thinkginijfkdjsjieff erhejfj he 0-- random thought you know -- some techica fkdjkljldjieoj elej l insuffiect memory , data losdk termi g
system restart -- well can you do that to a human well my mind doesn't think what I want it to -- some not so well known programs just use my brain whenever it's used and the usage is controlled by the system lazy process which uses most -- ok kinda doesn't let others use -- so random thought --- well I don't think they are -- I just munch upon other people's thought -- well I have some of my own -- but they are from the time I thought -- may be by force or by chance but I did think -- anyways -- random shutdown might take place anytime -- mind if a very inefficent machine and that is what makes us superior to machines -- hey man I am talking bullshit (EME or the english movie effect coz I have been seeing a lot of movies lately) -- um the best -- well actualy the only one I rememver at this is (coz of fresh memory) is "kung fu hustle"
ok one more para end -- what end - jfdkjdsjedf djfjkdj dfs somehting dfjds is osf a hi value -- no value for the atmostphere -- there goes -- I am dying --- help me -- I got an heartattack and no helped me, if I would have been alive I would have got another seeing this -- well that was a nice one -- not completely my own -- not at all completely my own - but my own ....
thanx for your etnemnrtianet mr. smith -- you can djfklje8e898989 mayday mayday -- charlie 007 hitler here any backup condoms plz.........

2006-05-13T04:25:00.000-07:00

ok this is my real last day in Pilani of this semester and i am right now making my yahoo website its called some geocities thing so whatever
i don't know what to write in this post but ya sure the trunk-tranfer yesterday was really a bad kinda experience for me and the packing today was also a bad experience
i will go back by a qualis (or something of that sort) most probably at 1 or 2 am of yesterday inverse's that is kal baad wala ok
so whatever i am not going to end this article so short so i am going to write a lot today , well maybe there's no telling to my moood , infact anybody's mood , isn't it ?
ye sabse bekaar post honi wali hai lagta hai ...
kabhi aisa lagta hai ki dil mein ik raaz hai jise kehna chaahon par main keh paaon na aankhon hi aankhon mein keh jati hai jo ye khamoshion ki hai kaise zubaan ai mere khuda mujhe itna bata kya aisa hi hota hai pyar jo na maine kaha jo na usne suna kya aisa hota hai pyar
wo sikander hi doston kehlata hai hari baazi ko jitna jise aata hai niklenge maidan mein jis din hum jhooom k dharti dolegi ye gagan choom k o o niklenge maidan mein jis din hum jhoom k dharti dolegi ye gagan choom ke nahi samjhe hain wo hamein to kya jata hai hari baazi ko jitna hamein aata hai
chalo bahut likh liya ab chein baj gaye hamein chalna chahiye

2006-05-12T02:37:00.000-07:00

ok here i am in the ipc again writing as this is my kinda last day of this sem
so what am i going to write
ok i dunno
so this is a whole crap thing i m writing just bcoz jsfjlsj jsjgf ;;;; well why am i should think of a reason
so the sem in short , in fact not coz wen u recall it's not wat actually happened and i am not even trying to recall so forget it
memorable things perhaps ?
ok first things that come to my mind are sariska and khetri trips about which i haven't posted anything in my blog, should have but was looking for some photoblog or thing
then unmemorable negatively were me taking the system of acads here seriously
why should study to make an A, B or anything and what's the problem if the system (i.e. the faculty, the course and all) is bullshit and anything happens here. y shud that be of a concern to me. neways, maybe that was coz i had nothing else to do so that was the only thing that could possibly occupy my mind
and what else did i do, well in short i can say that i wasted ( well i also thot is there something like utilisation of time ) 4 and a half more months of my life
but what's the problem in that
the only problem is that i didn't like it
so should i change myself
how should i
why shoud i, just becoz i don't like the way it's going, well that's more than a reason so why did i not change it, how could i continue living like that, well that's not a big problem, i m doing it right now, so what the problem in doing like this
well there is no problem in doing like this but at this moment a am not disliking or hating what i m doing but why do i do things i don't wanna do and why do i not do things that i wanna do ?
well i dunno why but i am (as ususal) not letting/trying/encouraging my brain to think about it
so forget that too
what now
ok unremembering whatever i wrote until now jksfsjfjshjn jksdnfjks
jkljs nsnj jslaj 4ejoi ljsaj jwajlj what am i writing
writing is some symbols thrown together to form some meaning kinda thing and jthe =jsgkjwaje
jsjdklfr ewjlj 98095r83528939
why did i write numbers at the end; hey this is really sexy method of thinking aloud as they say ksjdfkldsjf iam enjoying it ddjsfkjsdituje3l;0o3wr
so waht now hey taht was a spellling miskte so waht whya am i caering avout it hey hthere are oto mahy maistake s in my thing ok i shout d do someting avbout it my tyoping shouled be fast and free of tyopo eerers or ok fkjdsjfkjskjdfkjsjfkjskfjkljsfrjewojewoiuroiwurqwroiuwfj klnvsmcnfui4hfrhjfjklsuri3uqroijalfjejeurj
yoo mannnndfjjdsfjie
ye kya hua pehle na aisa hota tha main hoon kahan ye jannon na koi mujhe itna batade taknfkds
ki i dunno what comes after dso flds
deewana main hoon deewana tera deewana main hoon deewana tera mausam hai mastana uspe dil deewana deewana tera tujhe hi pookare ye marzi teri too aaye na aaye
deewana dhooondti hooon jalakar jo chup gaya hai wo parwana dhooonti hoon tu ru ru ru
ok lets go and do some sita job ok
da
no this comp may be has no java thing installed so what shall i do ok continue this faaltoo thing
the end for this thing ok

2006-04-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ok long time and no writing, so i am writing just to finsh this gap.
Ok now I will try to start a story that I can end now itself, that is in just one go.

Ok what should I think of now?
Ok let's start with ..... hmmm......., ok I'll return in a moment, I am forwarding mails.
Ok then let's go.

"What's this going on." asked the child from his father.
We are going to Jini's birthday party.
"Who's she?"
"She is the daughter of one of my best friends. And no more questions please. Ok"
"Ok."
"When will we reaturn?"
"You will get to know as soon as we get there, ok. Now don't ask anymore of your questions."
"Ok" and he goes to her mother's room where she's packing her bags.
"Hey Moni why don't you go play with your father, let me do my work, you see I have lots of work to do."
(Moni is an eight year old child.)
"That's where I have come from."
"Neways............................." and he leaves the room and sits in his garden.
The weather starts becoming nice slowly (not very slowly, it's nice in about 15 mins. ok) and sometime later it starts the sky turn dark and it is about to rain when the boy says to god :
"Why are you crying"
"I am not crying, see my mom and dad send me out 'coz they have word and I didn't like that 'coz I don't have anything to do and I know that , infact i feel that it will take atlest a week in Morocco and I becoz of that I'll miss my friends very much but I know that it's not the fault of my Mom and Dad. They are packing and don't want to be disturbed, so they send me out. And anyways they can't say no to going to their best friend's daughter's birthday for me, infact they wouldn't want to, atleat I wouldn't if I were in their place. It's not that they don't have any problem with me being unhappy, but these kinda things need to be done to do the right thing, someone getting bored is not a corcern so big as to cancel the trip."
"So why are you crying, God, why are you crying."
The dark sky was just roaring, pouring lotsa drops and taking flashes, just like a camers, sometimes.
He saw a dog lying on the road and making low-bolume noises as if it were in pain.
He knew that it was the cold due to the rain that the dog was so.
He was afraid of dogs but he wanted to help him, God was crying because of him, and even if He wasn't crying for that, stil he wanted to help him.
He didn't know what to do.
Getting a blanket from home would get him a scolding and wouldn't be able to help him.
He needs to get under some nice place where the rain is not falling.
He thought of an idea.
He brought some bread from inside and put som pieces in front of the dog.
The dog, shivering in the cold decided not to eat them.
He then got a small blanket from the house and put it on the dog.
The dog afer some time got up and ate the bread pieces but he followed the boy who was now directing the dog with the help of his bread crums to a place in the garden that had some wood above, which was part of the house, preventing rain to fall on the ground below. The dog got there and slept under his blankets comfortably.
There was a big roar in the sky and a big flash taken by the sky.
Was God angry or what but the boy didn't care now, it was the dog he cared about now.
"Moni come inside, have your lunch."
He went inside and had fresh duck for lunch, it was really tasty. Then he thought that the dog would also need something nice to eat and anyways the bread bits were not a tummy-filling meal or anything of that sort.
He phoned his friend Sophie and asked what was there for lunch. They had some mutton. He went to their house and got 2-3 bony pieces from there. The dog was still sleeping, what should he do, wake the dog up or wait for him to wake up. The pieces would ge bad. Should he keep them in refrigerator or something, it won't work, they would get cold. What should he do. If he just keeps them they would not remain as hot and would lose their delicious taste and would not be so good. He decided to wake the dog up. Trying so he got bit. The dog ran away taking away one or two of the pieces and the parents came out hearing Moni's screams. He was taken to the hospital and was cured. One week of the un-underwent journey passed while he was in the hospital. He was happy as he didn't have to go to Morocco. Though he was also not with his friends, he was still happy, it was as if he had won. What he wanted had happened. In two or three days he was outa the hospital and the parents were again packing for Morocco.
"But Jina's birthday must be over, what's the use of going now?"
"Who's Iina" the mother asked.
"I must have cooked a story to keep him fine, Honey." said the father.
"Cooked a story, that's not fair."
Holding Moni's hands, said the father : "Ok Moni listen now, this is what it actually is. I have got a transfer and we have to go to Morrocco. My income has got low and I am very unhappy because of that and so is your mother. We are not in very good mood but it's ok. We are not that upset either but anyways we have to go for Morrocco and so let us pack and you can go out and play with your friends. You still have time to spend time with your friends. It's about 5 and we will leave at about in night at about 11. So have a nice time ok."
"Ok" and he flies away to Sophie's place.
"I am going out with my parents. First we will shop and then have dinner in some nice restaurant and then roam around more and then come back. So please come 2moro"
"But we are going today and I might not be able to see you and others after that."
"Sorry Moni I can't do anything. My parents decide the thing ok. And anyways it's Saturday night and most of our friends parents will be out with their moms and dads, so anyways. C u if luck permits, bye."
He goes back to his house thinking that it's no use to go to other friends house either as Sophie had said that... . And even if they might not have a pakka programme for the night, it's not right to go and disturb them and destroy a probable programme of their weekend with their parents.

He came back home. They went out at 11 and were in Morocco the next day.
------------
Remaining story in next article which I will write either after some time or tommorow.
Ok, bye.

2006-03-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Lun Si looked at the sky wondering what the thunder meant, it wasn't teh same with Rocky umm... he had gone to the shikaar hadn't he? Umm... ok let's see where this scene fits.
He lookesd at eth sky feeling that this is a changing more(hindi word this) in his life. He was not ging to be the same anymore.
He thought what to do- to continue hunting or not - hunting was his lifetime- how could he liive without the food- and what creative/new should he do that is going to make him happy and blieve him taht hi is changed. He concluded taht could not stop hunting coz without that he could not live. So he continued hunting and kinda dumped the-change thing. After a quiet while he caught a wild animal in his jaal and was ghasiting this wild animal to the place he lived or mayve some other place he could comfortably kiill, burn, bake and eat this animal. While he was lifting the load on his shoulders to carry this beast to a place, The beast said "What will you do?". The voice wasn't frightened or corios, it asked him of something, maybe an informitive question that is more of telling him through asking him.
Stunned hearing the animal speaking, he down-loaded it and turned back and asked him what was meant- how could he spead - and all that. The animal said "Calm down first . "
Calmiing down in some time, Rocy asked him what did he meant and how could he speak ?" The beast again said, now in a much-much-softer tone f:
Calm down more" He calmed down more and asked him : "What's the matter?" He said had hyu really been calm you wo;uldn't ask a question, ..... infact you wouldn't ask any question, ok."
He, astonished, asked the beast if he wanted to give him a lecture or something "you can bery well assume that ok. That doesn't make a difference to me coz i am going to say what I am going to say aand I know that hyou are not goin to do anything in that while except listenig to me carefuly and atttively and even interestingly. So hold your ears coz here's coming something that's gong to convert yur life. The large palace of KIng Maharaha Super Ali Khan was filled with all shpaes ansd sizes of things made of tgold. He once predicted that you area going to fall in love with a lady named Lun Si who is from the fuure. He told this to a lion. The lion was gifgted with a speaking ability. Yu can assume him speaking just as I a mspeaking to you now. He ( the lion ) just said what a joke and went away. Long after that the lion was killed by the Beast Liom and was reborn a s you." Rocky seemed a little more interested in his story but hasd a lot of disbelief abo;ut his story.

LUn Si, after looking at teh sky turned her head down and continued flying her wings enjoy8ing the weather. She went to a lady named Roomani.Infact she went to palaci restaurant ( we it was just named Restaurant but was kinda little dhaba) for the first time and didn;t know the lady Rookmani; I just mentioned her coz these two are going to talk to each other perhapps. She ordered a tea, this time the Rookmani came to serve instead of the usual nookar child that usually went to serve teh tea. Why/,, I don't know. She commented on Lun Si that she was a beautiful woman and Lun Si smiled at this just. Interested Pookmani sat down with her and asked him question:"who are you, What are you doing here , What is your academic status- are you wrking or a student or a ho;usewife orwhat? " and loads and loads of other . After taking the sip of tea, Lun Si looked at her but answered none of the questions. "Uou seem uniterested and I think I am not going to bore yyou now, ok; Enjoy your tea." And she went away. "Actually I want someoneto accompany me and i think .. .......... ....... ............ you would be fine . .. ... hmmm... ."
Rookmani wiht a slight big smile on her gace came there and sat with her. She said: "Now tell me about you something." Li said that she was a Chinese sent to India by her parents to sudy and that her name is Lun Si and before proceeding further she asked Roookmani her name, Rookmani said: "Rookmani" witha little sharam on her face. Si he nsaid that she was plannig on becoming a great kung-fu master, so great that even the pages of history couldn;t take the load of them and no myth or legend could even be generated from them as she would not be remembered. Rookmani then told her a story.....

The Lion;s name was Darda and he died in a herioc battle to dave a human boy from injury by the great Xunanions ( as the simple sipahis of the king were called then Ther was a rumour that ther e has been an Aakashwani about the death of KIng by taht child. So hje had ordered his Xunanis ot kill the guy.., The lion Darda succeded in saving the life of the boy (infact he got to a secret secure place and later in his life killed the king. The plan of the king's killing was really wonderful. Well I am ..fgsgjkhjhgsjkl
"My grandmother Surya was a very full of wisdom lady and she once said to me that: "You have only one life, that is what you believe, and still you don't live your life according wish. Man is such an animal that thinks he is the master of the world but the truth is that no one is, the world can be without a master, can't it be? You only do what you logically decide or what you decide or just without reason, but are the factors controlling your life your own, is your own thinking your own? do you really decide or is it just that it was just going to happen as a consequence? can you change something that is going to happen, i.e. given something that's going to happen or is happening, is it possible that you can REally have a choice of two or more options, can you have two or more options in an event that has already happened in your life?, provided that all the circumstances remain the same and that you have the same understanding that you had then, would you be able to stop an accident or a bad-event (provided you have the same brain-functioning,- note that) Think about that think and if you really think that you can change something then try this exercise, when you are the most angry and you are really angry, sing your favorite song, if you don't have a favorite one then any one that you like will do, if you can't sing aloud then sing it in your mind but this option is not allowed if you can sing with your mouth (doesn't mean physically can but analysing all thiss and thats of the time and circumstances), completely melting any and all the anger in your heart and mind and feel happy once again."
Rookmani said : "

2006-03-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

This I am writing coz maybe i have nothing else to do and a download is going on o nthis computer.
any ways i will kind of write a story and write whatever that cones to my mind. And one more experiment that i will blind tyoe this whole article (not even seeing the cbackspace) and try no;t to edit it by seeing, though i have done it a few times already while writing this article Any spelling mistake is thus welcome to me and even worse kinda mistakes.
ok then let's start the story:
there was a manlived rocky in his small jhompri type house thing with only enuf cove to, Ummm... how t odescribe it completely .. ummm... i am leaving that. Use your own imaginaton and so that you likle it anyway.
It was a summy morning,not so sunny, there were some clouds in the sky and it was kinda avout-to-rain mausam ther with the talll-tall trees covering the whole place> There was enough space between the trees to provide availibility of sunlight. It was a nice climate, the one in whick you could disappear one have yourselg lost in it.
Well, the not corecting my blind-typed script is because i donot wanna do this seeminglly hectic job
neways let's continiue the storu.
but the man did not lose himself, infact his mind was involves in some thinking, not something special or anything and even if it's something special that was apppearing so to hin, then even it doesn't matters, does it? What matters, what exactly ................. bla vla bla and then he, having made his food (some omlette it was perhaps, ok), he came outa his kutiya (its not the female dog, i's the jhompri I am reffering to. He noticd the nice weather and waanted to get lost in it but was eating the omlette. He decided not to take the omlette back to the jhompri and enjoy the rain.
But it was really tempting, it felt to him as if this was the enjoy of life and if he is going to miss it mow, he better die but he did not move to put the utensil inside. Now it came to his mind taht if h is going to not do this, he will not be able to live. Respecting the food but logicallly saying to his mind that it is not more tthan his life he drowned the omlette in ruunig small water-streams cause of the rain.
And he left his emotions for the food go away and started enjoying the rain-drops falling on himm.
it was heaven-like, more and ta really too enchanting event.
. ..............................................................................................................................................
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It was a really wonderfull experience and he couldn't regret it.

He had to now go to his duty which he di to having himself feeded and alive.

This lady/girl character int hte sto;ry is Lun Si (well I am imagining a Ja[anese/Chinese kinda serial/tehme). Lun Si was a student of Dehli University but was failing for four years for having a very low attandence. This beautiful day when she was leaving the campus having his attendence marked the sky was clear, the mausam was raight, suhana I would say. She was enjoying her wings in the still (a-bit)kinda air that was blowing and got completelu lost in that. ............................................................................................................................... ( I am not taking this long now, ok).
Now the scene is that a good volume and goood visual size thunder struch at teh same time at both teh places, i.e. at Rocky's place and Lun Si's place.

2006-03-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

The Rebirth (contd..)

Scene 1: (contd..)
After some months the hatred had settled down. Many people's jealousy had turned in the positive direction; they envied her, wanted to be as good as she was. 2 or 3 had even apologized to her for their misbehavior even after knowing the threat that the in-society people of the place might throw them out of the crowd. Some, who didn't dare to mess up their social relationships, even tried to talk to her in secret just coz she was beautifull. The beauty of this young lady had taken the eyes of a 1-year elder member who wanted to talk to her but controlled himself and continued his life, partying, enjoying and practising martial arts, especially with his favourite sword, Roshino, given to him by his grandfather's martial arts master, the famous, Zoniiff. With affection, he called his sword Ronika.

Whenever he came to Master Kmai's place (the trainer of the newly admitted students), the beauty of Xo always catched (well this should be caught, not catched, this mistake being brought to my notice by this editor only, sorry for the spelling/grammar mistake and for not removing it, I just wanna keep it for myself) her eyes, without her permission and occupied all of his mind, shutting down all other processes, as if a virus comes to attack handicapping the whole system.

Xo had taken notice of him, infact quite often. He was really handsome and very popular for his swordsmanship. He was also very known for his habit of having the same food (breakfast) in the morning, the xogo, a diet suggested by the book loigoy, which was not only considered healthy but also the provider of many powers that were beyond the apparent-natural strength one could possibly have. She had also tried to investigate her name, but in vain. She could ask the teachers this kind of thing, and the students didn't respond to her, infact most them didn't themselves know.

This lovely morning, when Master Logo, who had come to visit the place from his isolated life in some jungles, was sitting near the small stone-fenced type thing, seeing the fog covering the mountain beyond the stones, Ching asked her the name of the fighter who was practicing on the roof. He was the same guy whose eyes never forgot to catch a glimpse of her. Smiling, the master said "His formal name is Konish, but his friends call him Konirh, the teachers and other fighters prefer to call him Konish only, though you can call him Lovakhi." Lovakhi was the word that many mothers used to call their children when they were very happy, an extreme atmosphere of happiness and love for their child spontaneously substituted the reference for their kids with the word Lovakhi, a word called with love. Calling this young man with this name was a bit strange, well, maybe a lot. She had noticed in the smile of the master that he understood that she had a liking for him. She wondered if the name and this fact had some relation. "Konish said", the master continued, "he would give the right to call him Lovakhi to only his life-partner", so that no master who in this great student puts all his knowledge and efforts should not call him Lovakhi. Xo blushed little, wondering why the master was making or assuming it kinda certain that they would fall in love and live their lives together, and turned to this raging gentleman. He was more fierce than anything or anyone she had ever known, more rage in him than fire. She jumped from there directly to the roof, impressed and taken suddenly by the jump, he turned to see the beautifull face. He was afraid, it was written on his face. "What's your name?" were the words that came out of the beautifull face. He couldn't respond, the activity of his mouth, just like any other thing was rendered ineffective, by his mind which was unable to process the huge input of beauty rushing through the nerves. "Can I call you Konirh, Lovakhi?" (reffering to him as Lovakhi while asking if she could call him Konirh) she said coz she felt a strong liking in her about him, and to disturb him. He was seriously taken aback by this. His mouth kinda started retaining its functionality but said, maybe not controlled by his mind,but the virus, "I love you, a ... a... ". This time she was taken aback.
They kept staring each other for a long time, Konish had failed to speak an apology and had given up the tries and Xo ching had given up on trying to enquire about such a statement.

They kept seeing each other for a long time, without any motion, they could hear the wind blowing, it was going to rain. They got lost in each other's eyes and without telling to their minds, their lips locked into each others and they were kissing. They didn't want to do it, they shouldn't do it, but wanted to kiss more strongly. While they were having this unforgettable kiss, it started raining, the environment wanted to add to this event, that's why it was changing so nicely and drastically. In the divine atmosphere that had been eventually created, about one or two minutes, after the rain had started, a golden leaf fell on the noses of this at-that-moment divine couple. In a matter of seconds they terminated their kiss and again started to look in each other's eyes, through the air that let water drops make their way through them. These water drops made the beauty of Ching more than ten-folds. Just after that did the divine atmosphere finish and Xo Ching said to Konirh that she wanted to marry him. She wondered what she had said and why she had said it. It wasn't anything she had intended to say or ever wanted to say or could ever possibly say, but she had said it, it was done. After a second she said "Sorry, I wasn't in my control when I said it and I hope neither were you when you said .... ..... ...... you love me. Konish : "Uh... Uhh..... Uhh....", trying to control himself, gaining back powers over his own body, " ... ya, ofcourse, I was absolutely out of my mind when I said that. Uhhh...... can i know your name please?" "Ya, ofcourse, its Ching, Xo Ching; and can i call you Lovakhi, .......................................... ....................... ......................., Konish." "Please don't call me that, Lovakhi is a reserved name, you can call me Konish though." He turned to go from there. She said "a...", he turned and looked at her; her face was saying that that (the "a...") was nothing. He turned again, and said; "You would better call me Konirh, okay, bye, see you some other time."
And he went away.

2006-02-28T02:44:00.000-08:00

This time i am going to write a story.
I don't know what to start with and not even what kind of a story to write.
Let's say, a mixed story would do.
I can write whatever comes to my mind that way.
Ok let's now have the title of the story.
Hmmmmmmmm.............

The Rebirth
( before starting i want to say that i don't like this blogger compressing multiple spaces to one or none, i haven't published a poem a wrote about a week ago in my chemistry class coz i wanted to publish it after i get to know how to have multiple spaces in your blog
i don't think that this no multi-space format is nice for my story either, but i will start anyway )

Scene 1:
(hey i want that scene 1 to be underlined, this isn't very nice.)

There was a village in a mountanious area in china and near India, well in Nepal. yes that location would be fine, so not India, not China, but in Nepal, and (the area) was influenced with Chinese martial arts culture and let's say was a Chinese area.

Anyway, the place's name was Zuguto (this isa all fictional, any references to any place/person dead or alive or in a superposition* of dead and alive states is purely coincidental)
(* just a bad pj using quantum mechanics)

Anyway let's continue our journey through Zugoto, ( i am hating seeing this small spacing in between words in this whole text). Meet Xo Ching, she is an advanced Kung Fu student. She is a scholarship student from BITS (Best institute in training students) located in Pilani, Rajasthan, India. (Hey i am talking about -6+5i years ago in the future, so don't take this BITS name too literally, its some martial arts institute that existed at the same location at that time. Though it is ofcourse logical to link the origin of the name of present-day BITS to my fictional creation. )
The institute gives a 3.1416 years course to every beginner martial artist who has completed the beginning, that is the basics of the course, actually that includes everything you need to be a professtional but still you need a degree to purse advanced martial arts. Well, Ching didn't waste her time while in the institute, she sharpened up her skills that she had and tried to learn new things, though succeded to learn only after 2.34578 years as it took a real lot of determination to do some real thing in that take-life-sac* institute. (*sac=easy)

She was not treated properly the first few months by other students of her higher advances studies institute "Recco". That was coz she had not done the course from a Chinese institute (her parents weren't very rich and this place in India was comparatively very cheap, so the Trisquad officers, senior officers of Xo's dad, transferred him to that place as it would be easy for them to take the money load. The laws requred the Trusuad to pay all the academic expenses of the children of the those employed there. Many other students were also sent there but she was one of the rare ones to have come to a superb place like Recco as most of those who joined BITS were rendered lazy by the atmosphere there, and were less of a martial artist after leaving he institute than they were when they entered.) Her not getting lazy there and being a very skillfull martial artist was a source of jealousy to other students of Recca, the new ones, as most of the old students kept in their own, praticing hard on their fighting techniques and living their separate private lifes, Recco was really famous for such passionate student who were so devoted to train their mind, body and soul.

After some months the hatred had settled down.....(2 b contd)

2006-02-28T02:25:00.000-08:00

doing nothing
just sitting at a comp and wasting my time
but anyway
let me write something just for the sake of writing
lets get opinions????
let me think of a question that i can ask ............
bad idea, ia m dropping it ok
............. idea dropped
now let me do something interesting ..... hmmmmmmmmm....................................
lets see, ok then i will continue surfing the sites i was and maybe then write another post, ok
bye to anyone who is reading this, bye , tata , c u again
------------THE E ND----------------

2006-02-17T03:08:00.000-08:00

Maybe...

There was a boy.
playing with a toy.
It was all joy.
He was a happy boy.

There was a man
He had not a toy
There was no joy
Where was the happy boy?

There was this old man
On him, fell a fan
He was on his death-bed
And he realised all his life was a toy.
So why was there no joy?
'Coz he took it too seriously?
Why could he not stop,
and look at it for a while
and play with this toy
so there could be joy
but maybe life was not all for joy
U cannot always be the same boy
Maybe there can't be joy all the time
Maybe, and maybe .... and he died.
( to be continued for ever and ever, maybe.... )

-- Karan Bathla

2006-02-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

Just time-passing around at the IPC reading mails after a lot of days and thinking ( well may be ofcourse not ) about a question i saw in one of the mails.
The problem is as follows:
"
A highly superior being from another part of the galaxy presents you with two boxes, one open and one closed. In the open box there is a thousand-dollar bill. In the closed box there is either one million dollars or there is nothing. You are to choose between taking both boxes or taking the closed box only. But there's a catch.
The being claims that he is able to predict what any human being will decide to do. If he predicted you would take only the closed box, then he placed a million dollars in it. But if he predicted you would take both boxes, he left the closed box empty. Furthermore, he has run this experiment with 999 people before, and has been right every time.
What do you do?
"
I know that i am not thinking about this question but my mind tells me that i am n thats coz when i read the question i found it interesting.
The question is about chance i suppose and a related mathematical term is probability.
If the question wants us to calculate the probabilty of getting the million dollars ( or 1000 more ) then it is ofcourse a mathematical question but it seeems to me that we can have different pre-assumptions before calculating the probability.
Anyway if we solve and get an answer, should we go by that answer?
I mean to say that though the question "might" want us to go by the probability value, is that a correct thing to do?
The question going on in my mind is one i read on the net 2-3 days ago, it goes as follows:
u are in a tv show, something like khulja sim sim, and u r given a choice out of three doors and u r told that one of them holds the prize money and the other two are empty.
u choose a door, say A and then the anchor opens a door, say B, and shows u that its empty.
he now gives u a choice to switch to door C. Should u stick to A or switch to C?
The inituitive answer(mine) is that after opening B, A and C have 50-50 chance of having the prize but the site says the answer is 2/3 for prize money in C ( use Baye's Theorem ) so we should go by the side of C. But is it correct to trust the probability.
I mean its chance, its luck and its just doesn't matter what door u open as the prize can behind any door n u don't know.
So just take a risk(its not at all risk, its just choosing between two possible choices) and go with any door, isn't it?