i forgot to mention that i had also seen the 70's show just b4 riting the blog and also now, after ahving phoned at home, am watching one more

feeling very frustrated and don't feel like I wanna spend the rest of my life doing what I don't wanna do .. but as if many people have that option
waise finished claymore today and cried the 2nd time in anime (in the last(26th) episode) and in icup - no progress -- none at all
and also seen heidi before going to food king -- had some feeling of sadness (questions and etc.) while seeing it and spilled some horliks (when the glass was not even half full) and wet my pyjama.

(just now ongoing song(winamp) )
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
maujon ka dosh nahi hai , ye dosh hai aur kisika
majhdhar mein naiyaa dole to majhi paar lagaye
maajhi jo naav duboe use kaun bachae ?
chingari .. hmm hmm hmm (my fav antra of the song)

i feel like doing something to just .... (don't know what to say) (kinda frustrated ... :( )

i feel like i am angry on my own life ... or maybe -- ya, i think it's myself -- i am angry on myself -- for not being able to move the (my) life to the direction i should have or whatever

being weak is a sin
-- (in some foren movie and claymore)

for doing what i should have , what i could have done , and what i have no idea of now coz i didn't do anything .... i am too angry on myself -- or is it just my frustration that is taking it's toll on me ... i fell restless or maybe just frustrated .... yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

could have put more a's but what's the point and ... la lal la la la .... whatever

Now that I am at my computer screen typing my blog -- I am still confused what my life will be after about a year. The previous blog' question hasn't found any answer yet and there seem no chances that it will soon find them out. And my typing speed is poor as usual ...

Just seen episodes `1,`2 and `3 (12 , 13 and 14 -- typo errors) of Claymore and saw Ophelia gave up her life for something kinda good when she turned into a monster -- well nice episode and before that I had seen an episode of Boy meets World in which the father of Cory Mathews gives up his job because he doesn't like it and then decides to do the same thing just under himself this time -- coz he has to do something anyway but then his wife buys a store where he would be happy and the episode ends.

Well I am also stuck at my Icup score of 21817 which doens't seem to be any good and also no visible chances of it rising and also am planning for a coding event at 730 pm tonight (btw its 339pm). Also was thinking of starting studying as i haven't started yet and also exams start on 30 (btw it's republic day today).

That's pretty much my life -- confusion and nothing substansial -- at the moment the confusion doesn't bother me coz it's not substansial and what bothers me is that there is nothing substansial in my life - or to say it more effectively - there is nothing in my life .. nothing at all. I (currently) am feeling life I want to live. But no idea what to do ... of what ...... ever.

I think that I need to think beyond the ordinary -- event driven life I am leading right now -- academics (studying for tests), music (songs on winamp) and time passing on comp. (serials) can take a hold - something different .... should I google ... I feel not even for googling i should be knowing what I want to google and google cant' tell me that and I have to know that on my own.

Maybe I need to see the question of my future life in context/light of wha'ts more important (or what actually is important) -- but still I don't know what options I have and what could be better -- infact not even the slightest hint on that ...

I feel like wanting to do ms in a mountainous area with a pleasureable climate -- maybe .... well how will the peolple be there ... and why am I daydreaming -- as if it's like a trip and not some ms degree -- maybe it's the climate -- it's too good right now (just that the cold now is just too much for me).

Flying throght the blue sky in the clouds like a dream going by ... ,

ok now i think that i should end my blog as i a mfelling sleepy and i think that i need to go outsiide ... so bye bye ... and hoping to post again soon enough!
 

ok it's 6 o'clock in the morning and cold night of 15Jan in Pilani. my 3rd year 2nd sem is going on (Started) and what I am going to write now is a reproducation of what I was thinking in my razai about fifteen to thirty minutes ago :
( Before that , I would like to say that a reproduction is not the original and hence is not "right" -- might miss something or might not say it the way it should -- not natural -- it's like i have prepared to write this blog :) )

Ok, I am now in a kashmkash about three things : gre, mba and naukri (and recently maybe added to the list is what to do this summer?) The question is which is the least miserable ? Well that depends upon luck -- though i think gre might turn out to be a disaster from the start, and job seems to already be a disaster from a start (unless I get in some good company like google and if it is really really good -- means not just monetarily and similar things - so basically nuakri seems to be a sure shot end of life) -- that's why mba crept in - management is something that I didn't wanna do at all but has come in my mind say about 6-9 monts ago--- and what more it has started taking a prominent position in my thinking process -- why -- simply becauseit might turn out to be something I want to do -- something exciting, creativee and routine work if you are not in the mood (brainy or adventerous) and make a lot of money --- but the problem is that i don't wanna leave the field i started with - id on't wanna take my life to a new "rich" direction of management (I am talking as if I have got available position in some reputed institute in the country -- well anyway that's how i think one should think what he/she wants to do in life.) Well anyway the downsides of cat -- 2 years sureshot(apparently) of sadness, pain and trauma :) and then some years of the routine and too boring job to make it to the top to start enjoying your life --- nah, doesn't seem right at all and that too when i have to sacrifice my line of interest (thought I doubt it exists - but I feel it's atleast a part-time one and i don't wanna leave it :) )

well then why don't I think what I wanna do (atleave what I am not going to (or don't wanna) leave).

Well then that's not going to be a part of the reproduction -- just remembered some part of the reproduction i had decided to do -- here's a quote fro m khalil gibran (as I remember it):
"If you don't like what you do, but hate it, then you better leave your work."

Well now some more quotes from him -- from a web page stored on my computer -- first the same one as the above and then some relevant ones that I seem to have forgotten (not that they weren't in my memory) over about the last 2-3 months (about-about coz i m not sure)

(Well just puttin 3-4 or 2 eps of "boy meet world" on download and something else maybe and then coming back :) )

"If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work."

"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."

(only one could be put on download :( )

one more i liked while trying to find the 3rd one :

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."

i think this is the one i have been searching for -- ( well i was going to write "ok, at last" but it didn't feel like the 3rd one -- it's great though and had to look at it again and process it to realize that):

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."

(I had it as my gtalk status message once.)

well just while I am at it - let's look at the other quotes as well (just a quick look kinda thing) and write down some I like at the moment :

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

(ie for me (at the moment) don't get too invovled with things like the 3-trio thing i am worried about these days -- life's not for them ... )

( my own comment :) : "life's not for them" - great insight, huh! )

"The most pitiful among men is he who turns his dreams into silver and gold."

(If it means what I am understanding -- wow!! )

(mba ko maat dedi -- but mba didn't lose any points as it is against gre and naukri :) )

ok then these things are over and so is my reproduction of the thoughts -- so now something i have to think about now -- i was going to write it as continuaiion to this but then i thought why not a new post and now i thought i should give it atleast a day -- that is when i would be really thought about it -- not just churned the machinery of my brain to spill some words to form a post -- could be more than a day -- no deadlines -- no hurry

bye -- wow - i really talk to myself -- and i hope it
feels nice that way (well actually i don't hope that but kinda ...%@#%!#$#$!^& ... whatever feel it ...)

Life is just a story, with beautiful parts and not so beautiful parts .... some reaaly you know what parts -- ven if you don't know it doesn't matter coz you know why :)
and it doen'st matter how many lives one has (or many have) coz in teh end we are machines (or something very similar -- basically we are predictable - even if .... ) we will just live lives accoring to our "programs" and do something or the other --
this makes no life look better than another
so why not do the things that you (or your program) wants to do -- maybe the algorithm will decide how strong the rebellion against not doing it is going to be , given the circumstances ofcouse -- which are the inputs -- but may there not exist a mathematical model satisfying this input and processing thing and representing a human (or somehint like that -- i wnat to say something -- and incomplete knowledge is disastrous or something like that ... but anyway mathematics is beautiful -- maybe -- or if not i will just call the beautiful as mathmatics -:) maybe :) as ... ) and hence life is something more beautiful -- maybe it's mathematics or something that transcends it ( i know this is just using words to get that paart of your brain -- u know which -- satisfied .... a clear analysis doesn';t require words to explain to yourself what some statematn or something means -- maybe ofcourse -- if you NEED words then maybe you are just joking around with yourself playing with superficial words (here i don't know what superficial actually means but it doens't matter as i am just explaining to myself ... and i only the (current) meaning of it and not a generally accepted version of my perceptions -- and if some one is reading this -- am sorry for being so unclear maybe u should directly talk to me to know what my mind thinks without even telling me (leave alone asking) as i don't think (obviously i pre-assume) that you or anyone (or maybe even me after an year) is oging to understand what i have written here -- and why is all this writing not improving my writing skills -- ma noticing that what commands i give my right and left hands aren't synchronised and that's why i have to use the backspace button -- and i also have to eliminate giving commands that aren't required --- maybe a feedback kinda thing should be used -- not a fuzzy or vague memory or something like that -- now my system files have all gone down -- deeath is just formatting of the hard drive ..... mayvbe .. go to hell how the hell did this v come in between
ok forom now on tyoping practice -- naaaaaaaaaaaa
not going to happen -- maybe i just like the way i type -- resembels my khichdi thinking .. :)
by guys (and gals and ..) c u 2moro -- ofcourse not
bye
neend aa rahai hai
chain se sone wale

Life is just a story, with beautiful parts and not so beautiful parts .... some reaaly you know what parts -- ven if you don't know it doesn't matter coz you know why :)
and it doen'st matter how many lives one has (or many have) coz in teh end we are machines (or something very similar -- basically we are predictable - even if .... ) we will just live lives accoring to our "programs" and do something or the other --
this makes no life look better than another
so why not do the things that you (or your program) wants to do -- maybe the algorithm will decide how strong the rebellion against not doing it is going to be , given the circumstances ofcouse -- which are the inputs -- but may there not exist a mathematical model satisfying this input and processing thing and representing a human (or somehint like that -- i wnat to say something -- and incomplete knowledge is disastrous or something like that ... but anyway mathematics is beautiful -- maybe -- or if not i will just call the beautiful as mathmatics -:) maybe :) as ... ) and hence life is something more beautiful -- maybe it's mathematics or something that transcends it ( i know this is just using words to get that paart of your brain -- u know which -- satisfied .... a clear analysis doesn';t require words to explain to yourself what some statematn or something means -- maybe ofcourse -- if you NEED words then maybe you are just joking around with yourself playing with superficial words (here i don't know what superficial actually means but it doens't matter as i am just explaining to myself ... and i only the (current) meaning of it and not a generally accepted version of my perceptions -- and if some one is reading this -- am sorry for being so unclear maybe u should directly talk to me to know what my mind thinks without even telling me (leave alone asking) as i don't think (obviously i pre-assume) that you or anyone (or maybe even me after an year) is oging to understand what i have written here -- and why is all this writing not improving my writing skills -- ma noticing that what commands i give my right and left hands aren't synchronised and that's why i have to use the backspace button -- and i also have to eliminate giving commands that aren't required --- maybe a feedback kinda thing should be used -- not a fuzzy or vague memory or something like that -- now my system files have all gone down -- deeath is just formatting of the hard drive ..... mayvbe .. go to hell how the hell did this v come in between
ok forom now on tyoping practice -- naaaaaaaaaaaa
not going to happen -- maybe i just like the way i type -- resembels my khichdi thinking .. :)
by guys (and gals and ..) c u 2moro -- ofcourse not
bye
neend aa rahai hai
chain se sone wale

currently opened notepad2 and supposed to write something what i was thinking but in a rather productive manner ... but i don't whay my that mood has change d and am thinking thta i will wirite something else may be a story or something ... let's do that after seeing rishi's blog ....

o shit be use comment nahi kiya ... chalo shayad ye likhne k baad karenge ya shayad nahi karegne
abhi phir gaane likhne shuru karein kya

chalo ek question dimaag mein aaya -- to take the laptop with me in the ps or not .. ?? good question ... kyonki sab keh rahe hain k mein bahut hi zyada bore ho jaunga -- par this is the only time .. maybe .. that i think i will be without a comp and should i miss this time -- will i really get too bored -- maybe yes , and very unlikely not ... :)

ok lets see what do i wnat to do in ma life ?? i have a ps to go and then one more year in bits (which will be 1.5 years if luck doens;t favour me or something like that .. ) and after that what -- no idea -- will i get bored -- too bored in ma life ... man is a social animal - you can live with people you can talk with doing things that you don't like or wanna do -- ok a break

really good song

na tu zmein k liye hain a aasmaa n k liye
tera wajood ahi ab sirl f daastaan k lie
na tu zamein k liye hai na aasmaan k liye

ye song pura karke likhna challo karte hai n...

wiating for the antra

palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga
wo shaak hina rahi jo thi aashiaan k liye
na tu zameen k liye hai na aaasamman k liye
second antra follows ;;

garaz parast jahan mein wafa talash na kar
ooooooo
garaz parast jahan mein wafa talash na kar
ye sahi bani thi kisi doosre jahan k liye
tera wajood hai tera wajood hai ab sirdf daastaan k lye
na tu zammen k lye hai na assmaan k liye

na tu zameen k lyiye hai na assmaan k liye na tu zameen k liye hai na aasmaan k kliye tera wajood hai terea wajood hai ab sirf daastaan k liye na tu zameend k liye hai na aasmaan k liye

phirse sun raha hoon gana :0
palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
palat k su-e chaman dekhne se kya hoga
wo shaakh hi na rahi jo thi aashiyaan k liya
na tu zameen k liye hai na aasmaan k lye

garaz parast jahan mein wafa talaash na kar
poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
garaz parast jahan mein wafa talaash na kar
ye shai bani thi kisi doosre jahan k liye
tera wajjod hai tera wajood ahi a b sirf saataan k lye
na tu zammen k lye hai na aasmaan k lye


ye naya gana kaunsa hai ... likhna hai kya lag to nahi raha

chalo let's continue whre wer we ??
yup upar dekhke yaad aaya
pani re pani tera rang kaisa .. sorry gana to likhna nahi hai
lage us jaise pani re pani ....
sorry again

yup man is a social animal and soem thig some thign ....

no i think that i like listing ot this soing and i will ..
is duniya mein jine wale aise bhi n\hain jite rukhi sukhi khaate hain aur dhanda pani pete tere ek hi
pani re pani bhooke ki bhookh aur pyaas jaisa ....

kya *****iya gana hai ye ... par mast bhi hai saath hai :)

ganga se jab mile to banyta g

badal se mile to sawan
sawan aaya sawan aaya rimjhim barse pani
aag pehenkar aag arudgkar pehehk phigli jai chat tapakti
pani re pani tera rang kaise
duniya bananrewale rab jaisa

waise to rang to mein terra jalw a rang jamai
jab t u gire ummed jlf
pathachge ja paigaam...

abe yaar gana change kiya to sur ka aa bhi ja lag gaya

kya buri kismat hai
aaj to blog hi nahi lihg paaonga

aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah aa bhi ja
raat ko kar vida dilruba aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah a abhi ja
raat ko kar vida dilruba aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subha haa bhi ja
...............
nice music ...
...............
mere dil pagalpan ki aur sima kya hai
yun to tu hai meri chaya tujhme ho ter a kya hai
main hoon ganag tu hai zamemen a
ratt k okar vida
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subah aa bhi ja
aa bhi ja aa bhi ja ai subha aa bhi aj
raa kk o (shit ye line nah i boli be usne .... )

mas t guitar / violin music -- haan shayd violin hi hai ...

dekh o chahe jisko kutch kutch dkikhat hkyon hai
jaaoon na mein tera mera rishta kyon kaise kahoon kitan baichain hai ter e bina
raat ko kar vida dilruba aa bhi jaaaaaaaa
aabh i ja aa bhi ja (thisi s the feamle voice running o k ... )

gana chamgae kar raha hoon ....

listenig to na tu zameen k liuye again but not writng this tiem ... bye ....
nest song plyaing is -- chura liya hai tume jo dil ko -- chlao ye bhi sutne hai ....
an d the female voice is singing first ....

oka b bhaurt hua gane sun liye , galat spelings type liye and bahanr time pass kar liya
a b kaam ki baat karte hain and ye gaaane band karta hain -- waise bhi sadiya l gana baj raha hai -- boomboomboombenga boyes -- paused -- par blog ka end ek gana likh k hi karoonga ....

yes kahan the -- mein bolre ho jaoonga - man is a social animal -- you can do things you don't wanat to do as long as ou are with those that you can speak with -- but what about the things that you wanna do -- will you get company -- will you be no lazzy enough to try try to do those things -- be able to do the mehnat to try to acheive those things ??
laziness -- the virtue by which a person doens't evn do the things he/she really wants to do
shynesss - the felling of embarrassment when diong something - thinking what will otheres think of it
laziness + shyness -- proper conditions -- dealy combo -- waste all the time in bits ...

ek one liner yaad aay -- pata nahi one liner sahi naam hai k nahin par ye tha -- kutch aisa :
the nam who spends half of this life telling people what he will do probably spends the rest half of his life telling why he couln't do those things ....

it's beutiful when u thing of it that my life is all meaning less and all (evnascence ka gana sunna padega ab to bring me to life ... )

how can u seee into my eeys leadein down into m ycore where i become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeing soemwhre col until fin ....


yup whre was i -- it's so beutiful that my life is so meaningless -- means it's may be the ony beauty my life has (contraadictory meaningful pun sentence isn't it )
why is ti beautiful ... well why am i not wanting to do anything -- why am i different -- why am igiving up onto the flow of life and not making my life inot a forece that will make my feelings flow -- why am is tuck with anazlysing things like thihs -- thinking doesn't cook rice -- but maybe am liucky that i think thses things becoz this is practivcal -- maybe my luck is heling me hre- -- but my luck -- if it's taking me to change the face of my llife so that it can end with a shot -- the nveven am going under the flow of life -- under the flow of circumstances -- can i be something else -- can i be over these ?? what is the feeling that is making me waqnna do that -- that is the feeling of aggressivenses combined with the feeling of freedom -- maybe -- just my hypothesis -- but whatever -- abhi rathi ne awwaz mar iand mein bhoool gaya ki main kya shoch araha that -- shayad mera dimmag sochne men hai hi nahin and ye speeliing mistakes muhe pura yakkeen hai k iye itni ho gain hongi ki ek tub to bhar hi jayega ....

ok i don't hink i ma wiring this bog anymoer but ending it wiht that ... --



i want to do what i want to do and i can't do anything about it if luck is not with me (but what if luck is only adverse) -- it's so beautiful of luck to make a person helless -- helplessness can be wonderful (ofcourse noty always) -- and even if i want ot do what i want to do -- thinking doesn't cook reice --
who wants rice anyway (ya am not inot thinking what i ma writing here .. am just flowin flwoin and flwoing -- abe ye to do g's miss ho gaye re ... )

it's easy to see cartoons and tv stuff of people doing things and getting aggressive -- but it's not the same doing these in real life -- infact you give up even before starting to clear your life to welcome or accomodate those things that possibly pave the way for the things that you like to do -- be alive -- before being dead -- death is beautiful but you will have to live to experience that fact -- <> -- boredom getting too much is good -- giving you energy to jump over to another more adventous path -- it is when it's gets too much that it starts getting better ..... yu have to have a rebellion inside you -- so betyter have a verty bad government thatn a bad one -- yup -- explode man explode --

Thanx a lot God , thank yio very mcch (sorry for the spelling mistakes -- yo know what i mean :) )

Love you god and ..... ( i don't want to make a wish so am discontinuing writng )