Ok, now this is my i guess first blog of this year, and in the last month !!
Last year's blog ended on 'lost hope'. Well have i lost hope. Well, a lot of it, but none of it is my doing. All credit goes to my life for taking it away. My wish for a 'simple life' where I can live and die the way I like even if it's a short life is gone. My wish for a decent life with a glimpse of the simple life is also gone. Maybe I just now wish to stay away from a very painful, miserable and long ending. Nothing more, but I don't even have hope for that. Just beacuse I want something to happen or not happen will not make it that way. My dreams and desires gone, I broke and submitted to the old dilemma. Finally apped and invested all my hopes in that. Worked too hard with so much hope invested in it. What for - for something with which my 'hope of something better in the future' only prolongs - for something while will make me only years older, doing tasks for 'trying' to escape from my misery while not realizing that those tasks are my misery. Now realising (now just with the left brain) that both sides of the outcome coin just imply me being older and less hopeful, I am now at a kinda peace.

My hope : to get into some place where I can continue my misery and get a job to pay me to prolong my life for even more misery. What else? Right now the aping hasn't completed. Eye operation in mind - don't know what is possible for my eye, if I will go through and if i do what will come of it, because I don't have any backup plans. My wishes to travel are now gone. Just want some time in peace. Have become so pathetic that I am now remembering my time in Pilani when I watched Memoirs of Geisha in a dark room (just after sleeping?) with exactly the right mood. On top of it, now that i have exhausted available series (having watched fma and doctor who many times now), I am watching friends, and worse actually enjoying it.

Just talked to akash, took lot of time as always, and now am even more sleepy but I think I want to continue writing. Just like the part of my brain that's saying, well you just have to go to office tomorrow so how does it matter if you waste this night or have headache. I can't even see properly at the screen, that's how sleepy my eyes are. That part of my brain is also saying, well you don't have any hope from life so how does it matter if doing something makes sense or not, is advisable or not, is worth it or not. Life is meaningless and so is my time.

Let's back up - 'lose hope'. Well as much as I want to, I still haven't. I have lost thing to invest hope in though. The only thing left is - events that will take turn now will introduce something which I can utilize to change my life, but my fear is my future will only be a shadow of my past. The meaninglessness of life will finally overcome my spanning of the visible dimensions of life which seems to be almost over. What will I have to live for, what dreams, what expectations, what reason to continue existing 2 years from now. What do I have now? None. That's the beauty of it. no desire, no hope, no vent for anger as my power is minuscule compared to the power of the world. As the geisha says, a geisha doesn't have the liberty of having hopes, is not allowed to dream and even if the dreams are deservable of a geisha, need not come true.

my only hope remains to find a suitable illusion to which I can adapt myself to continue living on. Well that point is why is my goal living on. Well simply because I have the hope that the future will be better. So it makes sense to live on. How stupid. well, whatever next year brings, i remain the same and so does the world. The world or my circumstances don't become any better just because I want them to.

It's amazing. I don't even know what 'better future' will be like. I am expecting a miracle of the kind that will bring me more that what life can offer. Fixating upon an impossibility, how do I expect to find anything but permanent frustration with temporary intermissions of excitement/happiness. With the hopes of simple life and travel gone, and with the uncertainties of apping results and lasik and home and career and all, I don't know what even the next moment will bring. What is wise and what is not all becomes mute at this point. The good go the bad go and the moon stays and watch. Good thing that it's inanimate, or it would die of meaninglessness. What is life but a way of keeping meat fresh. Well in human case it's more -> for people who need to survive first - it's struggle; for people of modern society - it's a place of hope - hope of money, success and all other stupid things that people to act on their whims that got created coz their life didn't make any sense in the first place.

Aah, no more of how fucked up people psyches are and how civilizations are the factories of crazyheads. The fact is I can't face the facts coz facing them means well, why the fuck I am living. Maybe once I face that fact I will be on my death trail, but i don't have hope in that area too, only fear, fear of surviving any suicide plan that I might concoct, or worse not being in a position where I can take my own life.

Pride, wisdom, morals, welfare, hope -- all seem so negative words now.

One thing that might make sense is an illusion. That's what drives people. A better job/home/wife/car/fridge/tax-planner/ipod/headphones => better life. coz they will improve the quality of life by bringing something new. And as soon as they come, the happiness is gone until the next outburst of life improvement by something good happening - promotion/good-grades/movie-tickets. All fun is created by expectations from the future in the present and all enjoyment is as real as mirage in a desert.

The fact of the matter remains, as long as I continue to exist I will just be acting according to the law of survival in nature. There is nothing good as bad, only survivors. They exist coz they exist. It doesn't make sense and it never will. I am just another particle in the steam. Just about to go. AS some quotes went : a pain collector racing towards oblivion.

Ok i think i am unbearably sleepy now and no new ideas seem to be coming to my head. So I will go on doing my duty like an ideal slave, the duty of collecting more and more pain .... and racing at a painfully slow pace towards oblivion ... as if my life is any better than oblivion now :) ... well it is coz it has the extra component called pain ...


It's been a painfully long journey and the desire to reach the destination has been snatched out of my heart, most likely along with my heart. The tree under which I wanted to rest instead of reaching the destination has been burnt and the sunrays are welcoming my burning flesh. People at the destination are saying - 'only after hardship come good rewards'. And I can only hope that they burn with me too.

So long ... and thanks ... well no thanks ... f*** thanks ... just so long .... so so very very long .....