am sitting in front of my computer after having submitted the plcc assignment (using a deadline) and after coding almost the whole time for two days , i feel like am going to get the best sleep today and also feel like ... umm.. actually nothing like it made me more adverse to software job ... maybe subconsciously or maybe just making a clear cut disticntion between work: laborious and work : lovely -- actually the word "work" sounds as if by default itself it's not fun ... whatever ... i don't think this is going to be a long blog and i think am just going to practice my typing somehow and i don't know if i can do much justice to the thing -- hey i just noticed that i always use my left thumb to hit the spacebar button -- i think the left hand is more apt at doing things unconsciously doing things like that whatever that means-- hey i even don't know what i should be thinking and what i should not be thinking and whatever is going over here is not going to make difference in what is not going to happen and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla -- hey bla is more difficult to write than many other things and i don't why but i like the way i write except the fact that i hit the backspace button many more times than i type all the other characters combined -- mathemactically that way you can't write anything coz |hit buttons| < |backspaces| -- got it ?? if not don't worry -- am writing this while i am feeling just to sleepy to do anything and i don't know why i write things that i don't understand and whatever is happening to me i cant' describe i dont' know how to say this but bla bla bla bla bla bla bla -- ya difficult to write and whatever ......
this is the starting of the second paragraph and all i can say i bla bla bla -- hihiihiih
8973870187298=#$@#@#$!@&Y*()&)&*(*+(*()&$@#!@@#~@!%*()()))|+_)+|)+_(_)*(*()&*^&%%^$%@~!~
won i ma gniog ot etirw ni eht etisoppo noitcerrid dna uoy wonk tahw siht si gniog ot eb gnizama dna i evah tog ot wonk taht dna si nettirw sa .............jks dljfkljsdaakjf klsjkld fjklsdjkljasd fjklsdj kfjdskj fklsjdf
should i be writing in leet now .. na .. nay ... no ... nonononon hikli kunja chungi klasdjfkljasdkfjklsdjkljsakl
bye bye for now and see you in hell apollo boy tumy ja ku la ye po re da sum ka red sleezy krite bero kkero nowere nero hero zero toru fodu lodu meeti mitti / / (bye bye ..... bye bye = // got it ????? ) zinda zindabad murda zindagood hi hi hi
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
here i am at my room ... news... got from home yesterday (sunday) and found my or marks (30), today got assured of no make up in computer networks viva (5%) - don't know if i will get "anything" more than a zero ... , didn't make a aco group (could get a zero in 10% !!!) , got yesterday my || computing and plcc marks also and had my dms exam today and today is also the last day for withdrawing - am yet to decide if to drop || computing or not -- in 2 hours i have to go for the dropping ... also have to do my context analyser (well the parser hasn't been done but i rely on the hope that i would start on the symbol table by today evening .. maybe after collecting plcc papers at 5:15 .. and the part from then onwards seems to scary and i don't think i can do it even in a week let alone a day or one and a half (actually a week seems realistic only after the given actual deadline -- fact stranger than fiction ?!! --- whatever ) but still i am not starting with the assignment coz ... i guess the most important reason is that am fed up of it ... and also did "atleast" one quesiton wrong in the test 2 of dms -- hope of a grade is becoming negligible -- and the third reason is some philosophical kind reason ...
coming to the dms test i thought something -- i thought why i was so @$@$%^^#~ (inexpressible) that i got the alpha^(27-7) wrong which should have been alpha^(26-7) -- and what i thought was --
7 had to be subtracted -- 27 elements are there ((mind has 7-7 match in same (one's) place)) => 27-7
i dont' know if it would have been right if there was some other number than 7 -- i guess i would have subtracted from the same number (ie 27)
second thought ( i kinda imagined a girl going by (in/to her home) giving the dms paper - was happy and when got to know of her "27 error" said "aan" (sad expressing kinda) and was happy again (as if she was unhappy when she said "aan"...)
one more thought -- if this wasn't a paper i would have forgot it -- and i guess i do wrong because i take it too toughly (toughly ?? need to improve my vocablury) and if i would not take it so seriously maybe i could have got a 20 (and even if i did some mistake -- i wouldn't (kinda) care)
one more thing -- this kinda mistake (how much control do we have over them) can do damage (like in this case -- loss of marks) and something of this sort might be in life too -- (fresh thoght just now came) -- maybe it's just luck -- but maybe after giving the paper i want to minimise my doing of these errors -- and am thinking whether doing || computing would be error (such a error or whatever) -- can we minimize such errors -- we can try -- but we can't defeat luck (in context of life -- not marks -- think important (similar to think high or something))
ok things aside ...(btw one more thing - i thought of flipping a coin to resolve the dilemma of || compuitng - if not once (ynot) then best 2 of three or majority in five or something)
ok now all things aside ...
how do i feel ... aha yes chandertal lake .. if we really go there , i think it would be really good ... ((end)) what do i want and will my life take me to the place where i want to go (not place in the physical sense) -- apparently my future life seems bleak and i feel like i want to break out of all this and get a low paying job where my "other life" ie life other than the work can be pretty good (although i am not able to think what the "other life" should be like -- not even in the ideal sense) .... well i should be going to the real world soon but let me write a lot more now in this imaginative world (imagination without visualization ??? ) i am happy to be a child with imagination and would actually like to make them true -- i am unhappy with boring mechanical repetive boring work - which i expect i would be doing in bangalore as ps2 and job as i feel is now the case with plcc assignment -- it is as i just don't unlike that but "hate" that work (and using khalil gibran's quote i should rather be a begger and take alms from the satisfied ones) -- i feel like i could do any other interesting work and i have to take steps in that direction myself -- my life isn't going to do that for me -- i have to that myself -- change the course of the river that is my life) -- also am thinking (just now) what is my life "NOW" afterall - it's nothing and i don't think this is the way that it should be -- i should have something other than "worrying for academics" in my life -- hmm... here in ||computhing we talk about improving qos (quality of service) by multithreading and all but what do we do about the quality of life ??? - i think i want to be a child again and rethink of all those questions that were left unanswered -- "is my perception of things same as yours?" "what i see yellow do you see it as blue (actually "my blue") but were trained to call it yellow (basically is my yellow the same as yours) or even better is the shapes and all that i see same as yours -- or do you "see" in the same sense as i do - do you speak the same language or it just appears to me (and for that matter do you see at all ?) and so on . ... i've heard that children' brain is not hard-wired - it's flexible and more "active" (doln't know if the right word) than an adult's berain - an adlut's brain is -to some extent- hardwired and mroe "passive" so that (or when) he copes with his environment -- i wnat / wish to unwire it all and think freeely not limited by any kind of thing (i just remembered "keep your head wide open" from the bridge of terapethia and am now giong to amrock it ) (leeme listen to it )
ok ending ... (the song is not the blog) ok now what -- i guess i want to be a photographer looking for beautiful places and moments to shoot -- i guess i want to be an adventurer enjoying those places -- but for all that i have to be powerful - powerful not just to lift my life from a living hell but other's not - not just one or two but a lot more -- i don't "want" to be powerfull -- i have to be -- i need to prepare for the war where i will defend my desires , dreams and (dash dash dash) against the super-powerful-monstorous-barbaric-BORING-ruthless-(mass-swallower) army of my prospective future and for being powerful i need to be able to control myself -- i need to be do thing which i want and should do inspite of what laziness wants/tries me to do -- i have to -- so that i be crushed when the army attacks -- and be a loser for the rest of my life -- or if by some miracle -- emerge victorious and move aruound with happiness and my head high as the victor of one of the most important battles of my life -- note that it is the hate of the work that i need to take care of -- and yes there's an easy way out of the war -- surrender to your future - let ur life drag u around -- but i would want to prefer (that is my laziness - i think- could make me take that option) to be crushed of all emothions/desires rather than surrenderr to the @#$@%$-army of the beasts
ok a momen't rest -- and then we shall continue ...
well more than some time passed -- i decided by tosses of coin (coins infact, after the first coin of two showed indian map more than 3 times in my tosses i became suspected , and then again in sumanths -three or more times the map) the fate of || computing - am keeping it and that means that my this semester is going to eat me alive -- one more thing -- i m not giong to surrender to this semester -- be my grade this sem be 6.0 -- infact i think a lot it luck -- u can do a lot of things wrong in ur life and still ... and u might do the best things but still ... well u might say these are lucky cases (lucky here could be bad-lucky or good-lucky) and in "average" (ie most probable) cases u decide ur life -- well i can only say that i don't beleive in probability -- but this doesnt' mean exactly giving up upon things
as a Khalil quote goes :
"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." -- Khalil Gibran
What i am saying is that we can't control the flow of events - our luck - and in that light i see the above statement as saying what seems to us as joy and what as sorrow as decided by us (not neccessarily consciously) long before we experience them .... ok whatever the meanig is - i m not here for that .... the point is || computing taken -- i have 3 ton of workload and obviously not going to talk about that
i am on linux or else i would have written the following in hindi :
" mana tufaan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika " ( a song )
continuning ...
" majdhar mein naiya dole to majhi paar lagaye
majhi jo naav dooboye , use kaun bachaye "
and someone asked speak to us of adventure and he said :
adventure is a food for our soul -- without it the soul doesn't decay/die or anything but is just passive for man is playing his "role" in this universe -- but with it the soul starts singing and man finds a play in him so amazing that %#$#@ and this feel is what is associated with when the word adventure is heard or thought of -- but this feeling if is pure that is straight from the soul - then the adventure is not just physical -- infact it's mostly spiritual -- empowering -- and in the purest from this play has so much strengh that u can feel the play where no physcial or any other kind of adventure is involved -- this play has the strength to change things but generally avoided for man has play his role in the universe but this role play if accompanined by playing can change a life -- and only a few among the billions are able to handle a lifetime of adventure called play ....
whatever --- coming to the "real world" (ie in comparison to the above paragraph) -- bad luck can "destroy" you (whereas good luck can only "provide" you things/facilites/services , so in some sense bad luck is more powerful than good luck) but what your soul should be is an adventure seeker always , even the bleakest of times:
"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."
-- Kahlil Gibran
i don't know y every now and then i keep quoting the same quotes -- i think i know the answer but -- whatever
"Your daily life is your temple and your religion." -- Kahlil Gibran
Ok i guess i will stop here and continue with my "daily ((BORING)) life" -- well i don't think i should think life that -- your thinking affects a lot to your quality of life ( hey i said on improving quality of life and not service - but anyway i don't want to mathematically access/analyze quality of life) and before i finish i want to do/say something great (for i don't think i will do something great after the blog or this semester for that matter) .... hmmm... let's think :
let's go to wikiquote....
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." -- Rene Descartes (unsourced)
i guess i couldn't find one ... disappointment -- whatever , anyways i should be going now for i have to and my work here is done
bye bye
coming to the dms test i thought something -- i thought why i was so @$@$%^^#~ (inexpressible) that i got the alpha^(27-7) wrong which should have been alpha^(26-7) -- and what i thought was --
7 had to be subtracted -- 27 elements are there ((mind has 7-7 match in same (one's) place)) => 27-7
i dont' know if it would have been right if there was some other number than 7 -- i guess i would have subtracted from the same number (ie 27)
second thought ( i kinda imagined a girl going by (in/to her home) giving the dms paper - was happy and when got to know of her "27 error" said "aan" (sad expressing kinda) and was happy again (as if she was unhappy when she said "aan"...)
one more thought -- if this wasn't a paper i would have forgot it -- and i guess i do wrong because i take it too toughly (toughly ?? need to improve my vocablury) and if i would not take it so seriously maybe i could have got a 20 (and even if i did some mistake -- i wouldn't (kinda) care)
one more thing -- this kinda mistake (how much control do we have over them) can do damage (like in this case -- loss of marks) and something of this sort might be in life too -- (fresh thoght just now came) -- maybe it's just luck -- but maybe after giving the paper i want to minimise my doing of these errors -- and am thinking whether doing || computing would be error (such a error or whatever) -- can we minimize such errors -- we can try -- but we can't defeat luck (in context of life -- not marks -- think important (similar to think high or something))
ok things aside ...(btw one more thing - i thought of flipping a coin to resolve the dilemma of || compuitng - if not once (ynot) then best 2 of three or majority in five or something)
ok now all things aside ...
how do i feel ... aha yes chandertal lake .. if we really go there , i think it would be really good ... ((end)) what do i want and will my life take me to the place where i want to go (not place in the physical sense) -- apparently my future life seems bleak and i feel like i want to break out of all this and get a low paying job where my "other life" ie life other than the work can be pretty good (although i am not able to think what the "other life" should be like -- not even in the ideal sense) .... well i should be going to the real world soon but let me write a lot more now in this imaginative world (imagination without visualization ??? ) i am happy to be a child with imagination and would actually like to make them true -- i am unhappy with boring mechanical repetive boring work - which i expect i would be doing in bangalore as ps2 and job as i feel is now the case with plcc assignment -- it is as i just don't unlike that but "hate" that work (and using khalil gibran's quote i should rather be a begger and take alms from the satisfied ones) -- i feel like i could do any other interesting work and i have to take steps in that direction myself -- my life isn't going to do that for me -- i have to that myself -- change the course of the river that is my life) -- also am thinking (just now) what is my life "NOW" afterall - it's nothing and i don't think this is the way that it should be -- i should have something other than "worrying for academics" in my life -- hmm... here in ||computhing we talk about improving qos (quality of service) by multithreading and all but what do we do about the quality of life ??? - i think i want to be a child again and rethink of all those questions that were left unanswered -- "is my perception of things same as yours?" "what i see yellow do you see it as blue (actually "my blue") but were trained to call it yellow (basically is my yellow the same as yours) or even better is the shapes and all that i see same as yours -- or do you "see" in the same sense as i do - do you speak the same language or it just appears to me (and for that matter do you see at all ?) and so on . ... i've heard that children' brain is not hard-wired - it's flexible and more "active" (doln't know if the right word) than an adult's berain - an adlut's brain is -to some extent- hardwired and mroe "passive" so that (or when) he copes with his environment -- i wnat / wish to unwire it all and think freeely not limited by any kind of thing (i just remembered "keep your head wide open" from the bridge of terapethia and am now giong to amrock it ) (leeme listen to it )
ok ending ... (the song is not the blog) ok now what -- i guess i want to be a photographer looking for beautiful places and moments to shoot -- i guess i want to be an adventurer enjoying those places -- but for all that i have to be powerful - powerful not just to lift my life from a living hell but other's not - not just one or two but a lot more -- i don't "want" to be powerfull -- i have to be -- i need to prepare for the war where i will defend my desires , dreams and (dash dash dash) against the super-powerful-monstorous-barbaric-BORING-ruthless-(mass-swallower) army of my prospective future and for being powerful i need to be able to control myself -- i need to be do thing which i want and should do inspite of what laziness wants/tries me to do -- i have to -- so that i be crushed when the army attacks -- and be a loser for the rest of my life -- or if by some miracle -- emerge victorious and move aruound with happiness and my head high as the victor of one of the most important battles of my life -- note that it is the hate of the work that i need to take care of -- and yes there's an easy way out of the war -- surrender to your future - let ur life drag u around -- but i would want to prefer (that is my laziness - i think- could make me take that option) to be crushed of all emothions/desires rather than surrenderr to the @#$@%$-army of the beasts
ok a momen't rest -- and then we shall continue ...
well more than some time passed -- i decided by tosses of coin (coins infact, after the first coin of two showed indian map more than 3 times in my tosses i became suspected , and then again in sumanths -three or more times the map) the fate of || computing - am keeping it and that means that my this semester is going to eat me alive -- one more thing -- i m not giong to surrender to this semester -- be my grade this sem be 6.0 -- infact i think a lot it luck -- u can do a lot of things wrong in ur life and still ... and u might do the best things but still ... well u might say these are lucky cases (lucky here could be bad-lucky or good-lucky) and in "average" (ie most probable) cases u decide ur life -- well i can only say that i don't beleive in probability -- but this doesnt' mean exactly giving up upon things
as a Khalil quote goes :
"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." -- Khalil Gibran
What i am saying is that we can't control the flow of events - our luck - and in that light i see the above statement as saying what seems to us as joy and what as sorrow as decided by us (not neccessarily consciously) long before we experience them .... ok whatever the meanig is - i m not here for that .... the point is || computing taken -- i have 3 ton of workload and obviously not going to talk about that
i am on linux or else i would have written the following in hindi :
" mana tufaan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika " ( a song )
continuning ...
" majdhar mein naiya dole to majhi paar lagaye
majhi jo naav dooboye , use kaun bachaye "
and someone asked speak to us of adventure and he said :
adventure is a food for our soul -- without it the soul doesn't decay/die or anything but is just passive for man is playing his "role" in this universe -- but with it the soul starts singing and man finds a play in him so amazing that %#$#@ and this feel is what is associated with when the word adventure is heard or thought of -- but this feeling if is pure that is straight from the soul - then the adventure is not just physical -- infact it's mostly spiritual -- empowering -- and in the purest from this play has so much strengh that u can feel the play where no physcial or any other kind of adventure is involved -- this play has the strength to change things but generally avoided for man has play his role in the universe but this role play if accompanined by playing can change a life -- and only a few among the billions are able to handle a lifetime of adventure called play ....
whatever --- coming to the "real world" (ie in comparison to the above paragraph) -- bad luck can "destroy" you (whereas good luck can only "provide" you things/facilites/services , so in some sense bad luck is more powerful than good luck) but what your soul should be is an adventure seeker always , even the bleakest of times:
"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."
-- Kahlil Gibran
i don't know y every now and then i keep quoting the same quotes -- i think i know the answer but -- whatever
"Your daily life is your temple and your religion." -- Kahlil Gibran
Ok i guess i will stop here and continue with my "daily ((BORING)) life" -- well i don't think i should think life that -- your thinking affects a lot to your quality of life ( hey i said on improving quality of life and not service - but anyway i don't want to mathematically access/analyze quality of life) and before i finish i want to do/say something great (for i don't think i will do something great after the blog or this semester for that matter) .... hmmm... let's think :
let's go to wikiquote....
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." -- Rene Descartes (unsourced)
i guess i couldn't find one ... disappointment -- whatever , anyways i should be going now for i have to and my work here is done
bye bye
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
still stuck at the age old question of whether to do a ms or a job (mba is experiencing a bit of downstream) but this blog isn't about that ...
it's about what i want to do ....
let's start .. with the fact that i haven't done anything yet in my life that i want to do and especially these years in bits have gone almost totally wasted ( although i think i have become more clear on my understanding of what i want to do or something like that and what the world is about and something like that ) (btw dooba dooba rehta hoon gaana is going on and am liking it ... ) ok where were we ?? nothing done especially in the last three years at bits... and what i want to do foremost is "do something" .. do something not necessarily meaningful but something .... make something of myself ... and live .. not like a dream everyday .. experience pain if that what my following life has to offer to me ... but to experience life while am alive ... to experience myself and die with the satisfaction (sorry it won't be any satisfaction) to know that i tried my best to make my life better (i will never know that and i wonder if i will do anything towards that direction)
ok done with the living ... what do i want to do when i am alive ... living in the mountains and enjoying it's beauty is one thing ... bunjee jumping, sky diving, paragliding, hiking, camping, river rafting , something(s) related to ice like skating etc... basically many of the adventure sports ... and i am going to do a software job (most probable option atleast at this stage of my life) and i am stuck wtih question life wheather to do a (software) job or ms or mba -- none of which i wanna do ... and what's the use of earning anyway if that can't make you happy ?? but as if i have any more options ??? (well to be honest i don't know what options i have ,, life is just dragging me along and i am not resisting, just being sad at things left behind ... like a job i would like ... )
ok live and adventure -- pretty much everything i wanna do (goal of my life ?? :) , dream for sure ... coz goal is something you do everything for which i pretty much doubt)... ok is there anything else left ??? lets' append live my life with be myself (and enjoy, btw "life" till now contained "do something" and some extra teeny tiny things maybe)... anything more ... wanna be free (like zhang ziyi's character wanted to be in crouching tiger hidden dragon).. do things which i think are beyond my capability, revolts against the established things and die at an early age ....
and all can do now is picture myself doing some stupid time-consuming, pretting much mechanical, boring, frustrating job in bangalore .... aaaaaagh ... life sucks ... or so i have made it to ... i think the first thing i "have to" astonish myself is in this job area .... my life has to start before this astonishment and "with this" astonishment ... or maybe something of the following sort will be true (the disappointment part as ...)
"the man who spends half his life telling people what's he going to do probably spends the later half telling people why he couldn't do it " -- something like this by someone
maybe i can change the later half of the sentence to " spendingg the later half remorsing about his current status of life and that he couldnt' do what he wanted to do ...)
ok anyway .. let's go to the dream world again (and when coming back , be realistic about the fact that miracles don't happen , they have to be made to happen , and that's just too much work for a lazy ass like me...)
ummm. is there anything left in the dream world by the way ?
wow i found a better version of a khalib gibran quote that knew (was searching for a philosophical quote of his to end this entry of my blog with)
it's about what i want to do ....
let's start .. with the fact that i haven't done anything yet in my life that i want to do and especially these years in bits have gone almost totally wasted ( although i think i have become more clear on my understanding of what i want to do or something like that and what the world is about and something like that ) (btw dooba dooba rehta hoon gaana is going on and am liking it ... ) ok where were we ?? nothing done especially in the last three years at bits... and what i want to do foremost is "do something" .. do something not necessarily meaningful but something .... make something of myself ... and live .. not like a dream everyday .. experience pain if that what my following life has to offer to me ... but to experience life while am alive ... to experience myself and die with the satisfaction (sorry it won't be any satisfaction) to know that i tried my best to make my life better (i will never know that and i wonder if i will do anything towards that direction)
ok done with the living ... what do i want to do when i am alive ... living in the mountains and enjoying it's beauty is one thing ... bunjee jumping, sky diving, paragliding, hiking, camping, river rafting , something(s) related to ice like skating etc... basically many of the adventure sports ... and i am going to do a software job (most probable option atleast at this stage of my life) and i am stuck wtih question life wheather to do a (software) job or ms or mba -- none of which i wanna do ... and what's the use of earning anyway if that can't make you happy ?? but as if i have any more options ??? (well to be honest i don't know what options i have ,, life is just dragging me along and i am not resisting, just being sad at things left behind ... like a job i would like ... )
ok live and adventure -- pretty much everything i wanna do (goal of my life ?? :) , dream for sure ... coz goal is something you do everything for which i pretty much doubt)... ok is there anything else left ??? lets' append live my life with be myself (and enjoy, btw "life" till now contained "do something" and some extra teeny tiny things maybe)... anything more ... wanna be free (like zhang ziyi's character wanted to be in crouching tiger hidden dragon).. do things which i think are beyond my capability, revolts against the established things and die at an early age ....
and all can do now is picture myself doing some stupid time-consuming, pretting much mechanical, boring, frustrating job in bangalore .... aaaaaagh ... life sucks ... or so i have made it to ... i think the first thing i "have to" astonish myself is in this job area .... my life has to start before this astonishment and "with this" astonishment ... or maybe something of the following sort will be true (the disappointment part as ...)
"the man who spends half his life telling people what's he going to do probably spends the later half telling people why he couldn't do it " -- something like this by someone
maybe i can change the later half of the sentence to " spendingg the later half remorsing about his current status of life and that he couldnt' do what he wanted to do ...)
ok anyway .. let's go to the dream world again (and when coming back , be realistic about the fact that miracles don't happen , they have to be made to happen , and that's just too much work for a lazy ass like me...)
ummm. is there anything left in the dream world by the way ?
wow i found a better version of a khalib gibran quote that knew (was searching for a philosophical quote of his to end this entry of my blog with)
"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."
-- Khalil Gibran
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