i forgot to mention that i had also seen the 70's show just b4 riting the blog and also now, after ahving phoned at home, am watching one more

feeling very frustrated and don't feel like I wanna spend the rest of my life doing what I don't wanna do .. but as if many people have that option
waise finished claymore today and cried the 2nd time in anime (in the last(26th) episode) and in icup - no progress -- none at all
and also seen heidi before going to food king -- had some feeling of sadness (questions and etc.) while seeing it and spilled some horliks (when the glass was not even half full) and wet my pyjama.

(just now ongoing song(winamp) )
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
maujon ka dosh nahi hai , ye dosh hai aur kisika
majhdhar mein naiyaa dole to majhi paar lagaye
maajhi jo naav duboe use kaun bachae ?
chingari .. hmm hmm hmm (my fav antra of the song)

i feel like doing something to just .... (don't know what to say) (kinda frustrated ... :( )

i feel like i am angry on my own life ... or maybe -- ya, i think it's myself -- i am angry on myself -- for not being able to move the (my) life to the direction i should have or whatever

being weak is a sin
-- (in some foren movie and claymore)

for doing what i should have , what i could have done , and what i have no idea of now coz i didn't do anything .... i am too angry on myself -- or is it just my frustration that is taking it's toll on me ... i fell restless or maybe just frustrated .... yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

could have put more a's but what's the point and ... la lal la la la .... whatever

Now that I am at my computer screen typing my blog -- I am still confused what my life will be after about a year. The previous blog' question hasn't found any answer yet and there seem no chances that it will soon find them out. And my typing speed is poor as usual ...

Just seen episodes `1,`2 and `3 (12 , 13 and 14 -- typo errors) of Claymore and saw Ophelia gave up her life for something kinda good when she turned into a monster -- well nice episode and before that I had seen an episode of Boy meets World in which the father of Cory Mathews gives up his job because he doesn't like it and then decides to do the same thing just under himself this time -- coz he has to do something anyway but then his wife buys a store where he would be happy and the episode ends.

Well I am also stuck at my Icup score of 21817 which doens't seem to be any good and also no visible chances of it rising and also am planning for a coding event at 730 pm tonight (btw its 339pm). Also was thinking of starting studying as i haven't started yet and also exams start on 30 (btw it's republic day today).

That's pretty much my life -- confusion and nothing substansial -- at the moment the confusion doesn't bother me coz it's not substansial and what bothers me is that there is nothing substansial in my life - or to say it more effectively - there is nothing in my life .. nothing at all. I (currently) am feeling life I want to live. But no idea what to do ... of what ...... ever.

I think that I need to think beyond the ordinary -- event driven life I am leading right now -- academics (studying for tests), music (songs on winamp) and time passing on comp. (serials) can take a hold - something different .... should I google ... I feel not even for googling i should be knowing what I want to google and google cant' tell me that and I have to know that on my own.

Maybe I need to see the question of my future life in context/light of wha'ts more important (or what actually is important) -- but still I don't know what options I have and what could be better -- infact not even the slightest hint on that ...

I feel like wanting to do ms in a mountainous area with a pleasureable climate -- maybe .... well how will the peolple be there ... and why am I daydreaming -- as if it's like a trip and not some ms degree -- maybe it's the climate -- it's too good right now (just that the cold now is just too much for me).

Flying throght the blue sky in the clouds like a dream going by ... ,

ok now i think that i should end my blog as i a mfelling sleepy and i think that i need to go outsiide ... so bye bye ... and hoping to post again soon enough!
 

ok it's 6 o'clock in the morning and cold night of 15Jan in Pilani. my 3rd year 2nd sem is going on (Started) and what I am going to write now is a reproducation of what I was thinking in my razai about fifteen to thirty minutes ago :
( Before that , I would like to say that a reproduction is not the original and hence is not "right" -- might miss something or might not say it the way it should -- not natural -- it's like i have prepared to write this blog :) )

Ok, I am now in a kashmkash about three things : gre, mba and naukri (and recently maybe added to the list is what to do this summer?) The question is which is the least miserable ? Well that depends upon luck -- though i think gre might turn out to be a disaster from the start, and job seems to already be a disaster from a start (unless I get in some good company like google and if it is really really good -- means not just monetarily and similar things - so basically nuakri seems to be a sure shot end of life) -- that's why mba crept in - management is something that I didn't wanna do at all but has come in my mind say about 6-9 monts ago--- and what more it has started taking a prominent position in my thinking process -- why -- simply becauseit might turn out to be something I want to do -- something exciting, creativee and routine work if you are not in the mood (brainy or adventerous) and make a lot of money --- but the problem is that i don't wanna leave the field i started with - id on't wanna take my life to a new "rich" direction of management (I am talking as if I have got available position in some reputed institute in the country -- well anyway that's how i think one should think what he/she wants to do in life.) Well anyway the downsides of cat -- 2 years sureshot(apparently) of sadness, pain and trauma :) and then some years of the routine and too boring job to make it to the top to start enjoying your life --- nah, doesn't seem right at all and that too when i have to sacrifice my line of interest (thought I doubt it exists - but I feel it's atleast a part-time one and i don't wanna leave it :) )

well then why don't I think what I wanna do (atleave what I am not going to (or don't wanna) leave).

Well then that's not going to be a part of the reproduction -- just remembered some part of the reproduction i had decided to do -- here's a quote fro m khalil gibran (as I remember it):
"If you don't like what you do, but hate it, then you better leave your work."

Well now some more quotes from him -- from a web page stored on my computer -- first the same one as the above and then some relevant ones that I seem to have forgotten (not that they weren't in my memory) over about the last 2-3 months (about-about coz i m not sure)

(Well just puttin 3-4 or 2 eps of "boy meet world" on download and something else maybe and then coming back :) )

"If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work."

"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."

(only one could be put on download :( )

one more i liked while trying to find the 3rd one :

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."

i think this is the one i have been searching for -- ( well i was going to write "ok, at last" but it didn't feel like the 3rd one -- it's great though and had to look at it again and process it to realize that):

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."

(I had it as my gtalk status message once.)

well just while I am at it - let's look at the other quotes as well (just a quick look kinda thing) and write down some I like at the moment :

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

(ie for me (at the moment) don't get too invovled with things like the 3-trio thing i am worried about these days -- life's not for them ... )

( my own comment :) : "life's not for them" - great insight, huh! )

"The most pitiful among men is he who turns his dreams into silver and gold."

(If it means what I am understanding -- wow!! )

(mba ko maat dedi -- but mba didn't lose any points as it is against gre and naukri :) )

ok then these things are over and so is my reproduction of the thoughts -- so now something i have to think about now -- i was going to write it as continuaiion to this but then i thought why not a new post and now i thought i should give it atleast a day -- that is when i would be really thought about it -- not just churned the machinery of my brain to spill some words to form a post -- could be more than a day -- no deadlines -- no hurry

bye -- wow - i really talk to myself -- and i hope it
feels nice that way (well actually i don't hope that but kinda ...%@#%!#$#$!^& ... whatever feel it ...)