whatever

this post i am forcing myself into writing coz actually i am felling really sleepy right now and should infact sleap and not write but here i am ...

today yahoo hr told tht i DID have a choice -- so now planning for my acco again :) -- mostly with vivek -- let's see -- the flight's in night so it's a bit risky :)

boredom is a topic that i have been googling lately -- "whay are we bored?" and thought i haven't read things completely i feel that boredom is a symptom not a disease -- and i guess i suffer from existential boredom -- the feeling of unfullfillness from on'es life ...

dissatisfaction is the feling ii am tlking about -- say someone who wants x in his life gets y -- what's the point -- no matter how good y might be for someone who wants somthing like that -- i made a really boring stmt today -- what good is / are spring roll(s) if all you want is to quench your thirst -- fate doesn't give the ease of doing something with the want of it to all .... the question again come back to what i want to do with my life ... i can kill my self ... or i can work with yahoo or like for the rest of my life ... or i can try to go for a filed phd math ... or in comp sci where the chances of getting would be good and i might have a reputation and it might help if i work for a few years but is any of this what i want ... people today live in small spaces with the environment super-polluted -- go to cubicles to work -- enjoy long traffic jams in between -- spend the money on something totally meaningless -- while retaining the still primitive form where all they want is some love and adventure and peace and satisfaction -- but mayve most of them never realize -- i remember a chapter form my hinidi book about angoolimal rakshas who killed people and cut thier fingers and kept them ... one day when buddha passed he said 'stop' buddha said --' i have stopped, when will you' -- i have the same feeling -- most pole in life are just running -- they want to become a good son/daughter/wife/manager/succesful person/athelete or something -- or are just used to something (i am thinking about selena's mother in gossip girl -- about her likes who live like that -- why do they ???????)

why i am able to live the way i am even that maybe i will never understand -- why do i continue to live like this when i hate it so much ??? -- btw lately i have been thinking about the moment of death and makes me realize that we are just 'going on' doing something unnessary -- like someone who's lying on his bed and just streching or something ... people marry, work, have fun, become sad , want a lot and do nothing for it, i hate it ..... so much -- people live for what -- they don't live for anything -- even many who think that they do ... they go on just like i am going on ... a simple sotory of a rock falling don the strem --

an analogy just stuck me throught that rock falling down the hill -- life is like sky diving -- till adulthood is the time when we fall to atttain critical verlocity .. we increase our speeds throughout ... but in adulthoood we stop -- it seems so weird that i feel that (although i don't remember much in my chidhood) -- as a child a year was long - alot packed into just one year -- i een rememver when writing dates in classroom that the first number changes always - the second after a long period but the third doesn't change at all -- i thought what's the need of the third one ?? - why don't we just eliminate it -- infaCT childhood years do pack a lot -- iamgine the safar from class one to five and compare it with the four years of college -- the four years were changing but i guess i can say safely that more development took in the former -- why -- why are humans content as adults and don't wanna change -- adults seem so ok, satified with their position and thinking and all -- it's so weird -- i don't want to enter adulthood -- amy i ever experience new things in life and never become accustomed to the 'going on' kind of life -- frustation mine is showing up hunh ? :) ?

was just taping the on button of my ac as ther's something wrong with it -- ' there's something wrong with it' -- such an easy thing to say -- but whtats wrong - sometimes we know sometimes we donm't -- and when we don't it's not neccssarily easy to find out -- do i know what's wrong with me that something 's wrong with my life or just what's wrong with my life ?? 

what's wrong with me is that i have never been outside of the flow of luck -- wherever life takes me i go -- doing the easy(as in one of my prev posts) -- it's like asking a civilian to take a gun and start fighting the enemy -- so what's wrong with me is that i haven't tried different things -- especially those that are difficult and the most meaningful (and what are they ???!) -- basically this is what is courage ... i need courage -- to face my life -- if i don't know what's wrong maybe i need to find out -- i can go in x direction just to find out it's the wrong way -- but i hvae to do something -- so .. if you don't know what do do -- don't do nothing

so what's wrong with my life -- everything -- first i am wrong -- i don't do what i want to do -- what do i want to do ?? -- and then the life that fate's offering me is simply monotonous and boring :) -- boring word again :)

hmmm.. ok step by step -- what do i want -- right now to sleep :) but .... i want clean environment - caring people - no one running unnessarily - rivers - grass - fresh mornings (contrasted to the ones i am used to - sleeping late till afternoon of getting the alarm to wake me up) - love - ek umang dil mein - kur karne ka jab man kare -- (a phd in switzerland?) - but is it possible -- people sacrifice their dreams for things that are more 'practical' (from scientific american page) like the woman in that article who wanted to be a biologist and the man who took religion giving up astronmy- what he likked -- it's maybe what i am going to do .. goingon with what life has to ofer me might be more 'solid' and .. whatever .. but this continous boredom will rip me apart -- will disengage my 'wonder' mode of looking at things in this universe -- what meaning will then crime be or (some word sarts with pro i guess and means someone who helps people or daonates whatever...) -- wht's the difference then -- why would i be for or against something -- why would i then be happy to have something and lose to be unhappy or whatever -- i would just be a living gropup on unconcerenced atoms who just don't care -- idon't give a damn -- crushing my spirit (in my prev post) is what's going to happen if i let my fate decide for my life -- it's said that for the bd to win all that's is needed is for the good to do nothing -- just like that -- for me to be ripped apart and live a dead person (zinda lash from blood stained intrigue :) ) all that's need is for me to do nothing -- 'but coperate with fate ' :) (from prev post :) )

but i have to live in this reality and unless i want to die there is no way around the 'certainities or practicalities' of life - so i have to find a way with them -- people everyday o all sorts of research wrok for their job or studies - they might not be so interested but they do put a hell lot of effort in them -- so why can't i -- why can't i first of all know my oppurtunities ?? -- my options - even if i coperate with life i still will have to put hell lots of effort (which would then be meaning nothing) -- but now the ersults mean a lot to me -- and i can overcome the laziness if i keep the results in my mind -- my freedom -- ok now i am going to listen to hte starting song of fma2 -0- ultimate :)

a wonderful starting (and ending song) -- in fact a wonderful series -- thoug h i might have to watch fma1 again ..i love this seris -- especially the touching moments -- this is the series that made me cry for the first time ever watching something that was multimedia .. ok anyways back to the point -- my thoughts of the dying moment 

all that i do now is the most meaningfull thing that my life contains even though it's utterly meaning less coz you won't be diong something when u can do something beter (provided it's equally easy (nice word) to do those things) -- so this is the height of my life -- the profoundness in it's absolute nakedity (new wrod?) -- i am nothing -- just a waliking blind machine that does doing something .. yet another person who's surrendered under his/her fate without signs of resistance or struggle -- 'strugg'e' -- something you do when you have hope whose sideeffects i guess i taked about in the last post ... -- why should i fight -- coz there is a chance to succed and even if not i won't know if i don't ry -- well to try or not -- to hope and struggle or make do most with the useless things fate's given me -- i first have to do my research -- find out who the enemy is and wht weaponry i have and what it has -- how much will it cooperate aned all -- i can't just still sit (sit still sorry) and do nothing .. 

now i shall sleep - to wake another day into what might seem like the same universe -- good night (ywawning virtualy)

hope

When you are in some trouble with no apparent way out, you can still have hope -- the wonderful thing -- bt it can also be the source of suffering when you really don't have to ....

A simple example would be someone on the death bed with a very painful deisease and liveing through machines in 'hpe'' of becoming good again -- but he has just prolonged his suffering ...

considering hope as good is because we have been 'trained' to do so by the society we live in ... and also because it gives us hope -- :) -- purely cyclic :) -- what's hope ?? -- it's something we want , to happen mostly iguess, that is along the lines of what we want -- it's what's said to be 'somehing to hold on to when you see no way out' -- and hence a good thing -- well we will take this aspect first -- hope is good becoz it holds us together when we have no visile way out ....

a will to live might be a very big factor in deciding weather a patient on death-bed will live or die -- so hope helps him -- well but it could prolong his suffering too -- and is life worth it anyway -- the point is that the other person has 'given up' -- maybe even feels depressed ....

'giving up' -- can't it be good in those places where hoping would bring bad results -- when you have only a certain desires in you life and those seem not to be going to fullfilled -- you 'need' to hold on to hope -- it's an escape

giving up hope can also be good when you should stop relying on fate/chance to make somthing happen and do something on your own -- something concrete -- not saying to yourself that maybe someday something will happen good -- but doing something -- howsoever meagrely in the direction of your good ... this , i guess , is what i need to do ...

hope is good -- because it keeps your spirit alive -- the passion to do something -- your love for something -- (spirit here doesn't refer to soul btw) -- giving up though can be a practical move -- but i hope(:)) it can be done without crushing the spirit -- it's goood when it helps you to take your own actions -- probably even descructive so thta either you get what you want or you are destroyed -- actually that's a good option -- a bad option would be when you either succed or don't fail -- just be miserable in the other option -- you have given up -- no hope lift -- you either chane what you want -- or live with the fact that you won't get what you want -- wel here i fell the spirit gets crushed -- one would become indifferrent to life ....

i was going through my earlier blogs today -- i read them as though am reading somethign in some book -- i don't really recall that easily the emotions/thoughts/mood i had while writing them ... -- but in this poem --'maybe'-- i loved my own line that sayed that life is a toy and should be played with -- hope is what holds you together when you want to win -- coz you take life too seriously -- you get only one life -- this is all the time you have -- well that's not false -- and is entirely profound but -- what stops you from diluting the seriousness of life so hat you can enjoy it more thoroughly -- if you look at it as a game then even if you don't win -- you can still fool around -- :) -- well that brings me back to the question what do i want in life -- i certainly don't want phd/ms/jpb/managemnt even if i compare it to 'wining' in life --i want enoyment -- isn't it -- then enjoyment is winning -- then i should enjoy -- i win then -- hmmm.... interesting -- gives me some hopes -- maybe i was wrong in attaaching enjoyment to only a few things that were visible -- those were good (i don't really know though howmuch) -- the fact that i can enjoy just by fooling off in/with life is amazing -- it says that i can enjoy without really having those things -- but still -- jerking off would only give as much fun -- knowing that i counldn't get 100 percent -- i am making do with 45.6 -- but there's the point --i don't want hapiness or anything -- i wan't to enjoy -- live fully (btw here enjoy would even mean crying coz that's living -- enjoy doesn't imply here a cheerful mood but a fullfilled one :) )

so now i take back the topic of giving up -- a lone fish in an empty aquaruim (with just water an dfish in it) cannot do much -- it's her fate -- so does the conditions of a man imply on the possibilities that his/her life has to present... - hoping here is the optimistic view that there might exist some possibility -- giving up is the opposite -- maybe better though ??? -- u cud try doing something before giving up on it completely -- maybe you shoudn't hope unrealistically -- counting on fate -- fate might help , it might not -- but you certainnly can 'try' -- obviously if fate doen't permit even then -- not your fault -- but 'try' -- that's all you can do -- gita says something like this or is said to say so (do your work, the results/fruit is not in your hands)

Here comes again the division in lif3e of what you can control and what you can't -- hope is good for keeping your spirit together by controllling your mind in to beleiving that the non-controable thins might aid in your procurement of your wishes -- but hope without efort is not really meaningful -- wspecially if it doesn't come true with time -- you need to control your controllable parts to make the uncontrooled do that you want (obviously you can only try -- and you need to even if it destroys your 99% hope :) --ie other 'possible' chances of your success by luck)

coming back -- being realistic -- logical -- speculative -- thinker -- giving up on expectation of your hopes being fullfilled isn't bad at all -- you give up your fears of not having things without giving up the hopes . "hope' in the above sentence seems sysnonymous with 'desire' -- though hope kinda indicates some 'miraculous' expectation that might aid in acheving the desire ... how about giving up you expectations but not your desire -- still hoping without relying on the uncontrollable -- allowing fate to make a move when seems fit and intervening when i t doeswn't -- afterall we can only try -- and that should be a source on new hope and is more trustworthy than hoping for a miracle -- hoping then seems like a medicine which helps you endure pain (like morphine ?) but could be bad for you if taken in excessive amounts -- hope then is a coin with two sides -- good and bad -- the bad seeming to be never discussed in literature -- the phrase 'hope for the best' seems reuplsive to me now and now i still 'hope for the best' ... (the difference is like saying 'mera bharat mahan' just coz you are born here and latter being looking at the achivements and the cultures etc. and 'then' saying 'mera bharat mahan') ...

---- The end ..........

30 april -- the day b4 my last bits compre
this sem was ok -- academically, i didn't meet my expectations -- tripwise, i went for none :( 

but anyways a lot has changed since my last blog -- the question of weather i want to go for hier studies or do a job has changed to what i wanna do with my life -- coz both of them are boring - and most importantly - one dimensional. 

I don't want my life to have only a few (significant) dimensions. (Well btw does job count as a dimension ?? or just a time kill ?? ) So what;s the plan ?? -- none -- go where ever life takes you ... well that's a bad thing -- what if i get caught in the flow of life to never recover -- too much momentum can be harmful ...

Easy (defn.) -- when you are in a car that's taking you to some place, going to that place is easy, coz all you have to do is stay back ... if your life takes you to some place and all you have to do is 'co-operate', it's easy.

And that's what I have been doing lately -- the easy ... 

Complex (defn.) -- something with many factors with lot of ununderstood/uncontrolled/difficult-to-control relations between them
Simple (defn.) - few factors with straigh-forward relations between them

(it seems that simple and complex have to do with the abilities of the mind, but the point 'ununderstood/uncontrolled/difficult-to-control' vs 'straigh-forward' seems to cut throught that, but ... whatever ...)

anways i found this while trying to google while typng the above : http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/11027/self_improvement_and_motivation/whats_simple.html

anyways coming back to the point -- easy is complex -- life (generally) wraps you around in knots ... there's enought convolution and your life is destroyed :) ... (exaggeration feels good :) )

simple is difficult -- but simple ... 
it's like a program you write and then find a 'simple' one somewhere -- it's so simple that it's beautiful -- though the more used word is elegant, though it involves more factors

found one more link ( http://phatchicks.indiatimes.com/The-Chicks/Sakhi/My-Recommendations/Whats-simple-yet-profound/articleshow/2431244.cms ) with these wonderful lines :

When I woke to the story of life 
It was already the middle of the tale, 
I know nothing of the beginning 
I’ll know nothing of the end.
  -- Urdu poet Shaad Azimabadi

you don't know what to do, but what you want might just be simple like a simple elegant program, but if you let your life go on it becomes complex -- again, getting convoluted is the default, being simple is intelligent, difficult, beautiful

being simple also involves being true to yourself, which contibutes to it's difficulty, but 'being false' to yourself is a repelling thot ... 

well i don't know what else to write ... so i shall stop here, coz it's the easy thing to do :)

liberty and security

feb 24 2009 11:40 pm

last sem in college
2 more months to go
then what ???

fact 1 : life goes on (no matter what)
fact 2 : it ends (death ...)

basically : while(!deathtime) { life goes on ; }

fact 1 has different forms :
-- time cures all wounds 
-- you get used to 
-- you will adjust
-- kutch nahi, bhagwaan sab sahi kar dega
-- ye to hota rehta hai
-- sab chalta hai 
(last 4 are not good/exact alternatives butjust wanted to put them)

basically focussing here on the first two (i feel they are the same -- not what they directly say but what they essentially mean -- life goes on)

ok first thing i hate the above loop : so i just have to put a break statement there -- i have to do something whose effect is enough to not get used to -- at least not before a while -- but without drowning me into a sequence of events that i wouldn't want

so here comes the main question : what do i want ?

ok, as usual what i don't want : a monotonous life..., a life that i am dragging along
what do i want : really i am blank on this -- i don't think i really need much if the above point be satisfied

ok now my options : 
a job -- job -- job -- job -- death
any thing else

do i have an option here -- now two things :
1. kal kare so aaj kar
2. be lazy and decide later

so what's in "any thing else" : (hmmmmmmm......)

well that depend what i want in that category : so -- what do i want ?

back to square 1

first one thing -- happiness seems to be relative so there might not be an answer to that question that can permanenetly make me happpy but still there should be some kind of answer :
right now i am thinking for what i wanna do and am trying to see if i have interest for hier studies -- last sem i was just cursing my life -- last year (3rd) i was trying to study so that i make some grade atleast in my cdcs -- first 2 coll years i did not study coz that what i felt like
so, i have been doing something to make myself something -- if i don't go for a job and instead for hier studies (1 year later ofcourse) won't i still be trying to make myself something -- what after that -- why even that -- why do i want to DO something -- why should i always have a short-term/long-term goal -- why do i want to cut my life into pieces -- work, study for gre, study, try to do good even if it doesn't come naturally to you, try hard b4 quitting (if ever) -- what then -- what after all this -- then do i find myself another amusement to strangle myself with -- another busykeeper -- shud i think of living then -- why not now ????

'why not now' is simple -- coz i don't know -- i have no clue as to what i want to do in life -- and "going on with life" is just a simple thing to do -- it's what happens when i don't do anything -- while sleeping , eating, anything -- life goes on ....

do i want to be like this throughout my life ?? here, do i want a goal ?? -- that's exactly what i don't want -- i don't want to tie myself, my life to the completion of one task (or one after another) -- when do i live in all that ? the point is do i want to be clueless about my life and just go on :
so here are the keywords -- aim and clueless :
aim -- putting efforts and expectations into something
clueless -- blank (a state of mind)

what aim is good ?? can an aim be good ?? isn't "trying to be not clueless" a good aim ?

well am too sleepy now to continue -- off to sleep (1 am (night ;) ) 

HAA......

i don't know why but i just felt like i wanted to write something in my blog -- can't control it -- am feeling like something wanting to exdplde in me and all i can doo is stay on this table and write this --- i feel lkike i feel like -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I , I , I just want to crack open sand explode into pieces so that ther's nothing left in me -- I , I just a mtired of living this life .... I can't take it anymore --- even for a day i guess -- I feel like trappped in my own story that I am enacting that was 'bestowed' upon me byt the world -- i just want to rip it apart --- i just want to explode and get away from the situation I am in -- I don't know wehre my life is heading but the 'optimist' in me says that my life will find a direction 'eventually' and i just want to say to him -- ' CUT THE CRAP'- ok ?? i am going into a dark pit which might not be just dark because I don't know what's inside there but because it's inherently dark --- i am on the most crucial mooments of my life and all i do is lie around doing nothing and comeing to this bloody office adn do nothing hoping to do some 'work' someday -- i can't stabilize my hands even on this keyboard --- i just want to break it ok ?>? --- maybe i am sad because i have nothing to do -- but maybe the reason i am that sad is because wehn i see tha i have notihng dto do -- I have nothing to do -- I AM NOTHING -- i have never been --- just a machine whoresponds to 'circumstances' --- ok whatever --- this life is over now --- i have to get a new one -- coz this one's going to rot --- and i can't stand to live in a rotten one --- ALL I WANT ALL I WANT AALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE ---


I want to ask myself one question though -- just one --- will i be able to 'do' this --- will i succed --- well i guess failure is a lot better option than giving up --- it's like 'shaheed hona' --- 'sarfaroshi' ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai -- i dont' know the exact meaning of the term 'sarfaroshi' so basically i replace it with 'kutch karne ki ab' -- well didn't want to mentiion the second line as i dont' have enemies whom i want to crush or something (well to see now -- who are my enemies --- the world ?? -- i guess no, - it's only a challenge -- it's something that will make me enjoy the journey even if I emerge a failure --- well my real enemy is, I guess, my Laziness -- and maybe also my lack of knowledge -- but mostly my Laziness only --- for my lack of knowledge can only lead me to failure -- but Laziness can lead me to crush my own spirit -- become the most disgusting thing in the world -- something that will be just so disgusting that it will eventually devour and digest the whole Universe and nothing will be left not even the disgust --- so that 'something' can be free again --- basically that feeling is letting it's 0.000000000000001 % of it's (infinitesimal)square part and make me so .. yaaaaaaaaa ... basically i am not just giong to terminate this coz i have to leave the office premises now and basically beacus i don't have much to contiue with and must get rid of this weird felling now .... okay ???

Maybe it's all just neurological --- i think i need to refine it -- os wish me best of luck mbaby .....

asta lavista :) (whatever that means :) )

The lost thoughts...

Let me llok at the thoughts I have been having from the last two three months or more -- mba/gre/job fight, what do I want?, what to download next ? -- what my life has for me ahead... would I be happy in a situation like this or that ??? -- and most of the thoughts didn't end in a good or happy ending -- mostly like these thoughts hav ebecome something that I feel like I have wasted my time with -- I have wasted my entire life and so am I going to do with the rest of my life ... -- no job/ms/mba will change my life -- if something like that happens - that will be my luck -- i can have a mast life in mba and a useless one in ms in algorithms and a boring one in job (:)) -- --- what can change my life (btw why do I want to change my life ?0 -- I just want to chage myslef -- I am expecting something from my life -- I am given a choice out of alpha beta and gamma -- and luck has the powetrto push me any side -- I am not saying that this is not important -- just that it is not so importatn that I make it the largest part of my life ... -- change yourself -- become who you ARE -- that's enough -- fell the pain of not having what you want -- feel the frustration -- feel the heat -- feel the adventure of doing something you never thought you could have done before -- be a kid -- you always are -- what do you want -- more money -- most certainly not -- better be heidi in the mountains than some sick lonely bastard who takes bath in money everyday -- simplicity is something that soothes our brain -- showness is something that seems to attract us -- part of jealousy / envy -- what he has why don't I -- just that felling you don't really want all that -- I don't want a big house / a big /car / having dinners in 5 stars -- so why am I looking for a job with a lot of money ?? - what am I going to do with all the money -- maybe a job where I fell good and not rich -- a place where I can be myself -- (not city?) -- I am a machine -- and htis machine is currently enjoyihng the songs -- aaina bata kaise -- arre bhai I am using the hyphens very frequently amn't I -- I shuold probably try controlling my urge to use them -- human is juat a machine who feels happy with the things he /she feels happy with -- and given them is happy -- am just saying coz ye song bada hi achcha lag raha hai -- infaact kaffi songs achche lage hain ... -- can't write wehn the lyrics are on in songs :) ,,, 

ok where was I -- hmm.. ye typing sudharni hai be -- ya changing myself -- not changing coz I am what I am -- I am not changing my nature but what I do -- my actions -- I have to BECOME what I AM (on the inside ?) -- ok -- antoher good song -- maybe ... -- changing -- --respect yourself -- and be yourself -- and respect yoour parents -and NATURE -- everything --- be disperasd in the wind like the seeds/ pollen grains -- and each the limit where you become the eind yourself ... be the way of teh world -- whatever am I saying man .. I don't think I will be able to write words properly after some thime ok ? ok no w this wind has become headached and feels likefor respecting the body it should sleep but maybe oing out for a while will suffice too , but maybe a good soothing song will also do more than good ... dkeho inhe ye hain os ki boonde patton ki .......... ok m too involved in the songs right now so i don't think i will continue this right now ok ?

Ok, let's start with today's events -- i had been planning that i would participate in goodle code jam for quite some time now -- since last semester -- i had loooked for it but the site was still in progress - i thought i would get informed in my tocoder mailbox -- but apparently that never hapenned ... I got to know today that the registration was over -- it started at 17 june and continued till 17 july and after :( -- so am a bit sad -- but not much -- maybe because the mausam (weather) this morning made me feel good ... but am thinking that what a lazy ass I have been -- even in my fourth year I am unable to take part in the code jam and win something :( -- haven't learned driving -- don't know where I want to land up in life -- I seriously don't know why I am so reluctant to do what I want to do or find out what is fitting for me -- cowardice is not for this short life (and if you make the wrong decisions it will seem like an endless life -- so life's not long or short -- but it's too dumb to make wrong decision or not follow what you dream of, what you want ...). I need to break out and do the things I want to d o -- I don't know how many tiomes I have written this in my previous blogs and still haven't started about it ... I I I want to trek, see beautiful placs, maybe do research but without anyone telling me what to do -- so ms is the only option -- but what does ms have to offer me -- living in the us (or some other place) -- seeing beautiful girls :) (just seeing :( ) -- maybe that's a challenge -- but what after that ???

About adventures -- I wrote in some previous blo i guess that todya i will go find a adventure here only (i guess it was the last blog ...) -- anyways all I can think of now is to follow what's adventurous -- coz everything else seems so dull -- so what to do now -- monotonous life ko no bolne ka hai -- ye subha uthna office aana bore hona gtlak karna dload karna and all that -- and then vaapas jaake indira darshini pe dinner khana -- too boring -- and why is it boring -- coz it's monotonous -- while trekking or something if you eat in some cheap south-indian restaurant you would feel ike a nomad or something that's cool -- btw i saw an episode of man vs wild yeasternight and i liked it (obvioously duh. ) and I don't know -- why is my life going some way where I have to choose between bored and boerd to hell...

What can I do adventourous in a daily life ... I don't know -- ok let's see -- adventure is like a tmprary stage -- like a bubble -- like life itself (?) --DARE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE -- actually i was planning to make a list everyday or someting of what to do adventourous like type blindly without mistakes ?? or type all my codes with the monitor off ?? and take gre this sem itslef and so on ... but planning takaes the fun out of adventurous .. seriosly .. 

What is adventure --- going to a park - adventure park- like the one vimanyu went -- where your adrenalin pumps up on every ride or your heart beats make you stop even before you attempt a ride -- how is it advengturous -- it doesn't involve risk-- does it have to -- those tings are exciting -- chemically it's adrenalin or something -- but it might come in the category of adventure -- trekking ?? -- risks but not that exciting but relally beautiful scenaries -- contentionsatisfa ction of the heart for the sight seeing and the risky work done to achieve that -- walking ion a short rougt and seeing the beauty -- really cool -- how abuout tjust sight seeing -- well if the climate is good and all -it's cool -- but i guess teh really cool places are where you need to take some risk to get there -- the risk maybve or surely activates soem chemical activity inside of us that makes that trip a lot more exciting -- nothing that the plain sight-seeing can compare itslef to -- is advewnture all about the chemicals that make an impact on our mind's judgement ???

Is adventure something that we mentally/spiritually require to get out of the monotonous schedule the world imposes on us (or is commonway -- we need effort to mkae things otherwise) -- is it that if our life would not have been monotonous the advwentures would not be so sadventourous -- is trekking the same for a person who's lived in the mountains all his life -- did my old guide in bhrigu lake really enjoyu -- or does he everytime he comes there -- well ya sure he does go take bath in the freezing bhrigu lake everytime he goes there and deems places like these holy and all but is the same thing/excitement/enthusiasm/chemical-axcitement in him as is tehere inside of us ??? And the big question -- could life be not monotonous (commonly/individually) ?? More (or most) importantly -- Can I make my life non-monotonous (seriously speaking writhing the word monotonous is monotonous -- every alternate letter is O :) ) and by non-monotonous i do not mean just regular or something -- if I get to do some paper-work today -- some accoutning 2moro and so on -- maybe not regular -- but i would still count it monotonous -- like writing the word monotonous makes me feel -- I can go to beautiful places a lot many tiems and still feel good -- it's not mono... although it's regular ,,, . A regular life can be aas nwe as everday but a life can also be new everday on the surface but mon o.,.. on the inside --- breaking out of yourself -- being free -like zhang ziyi (was rhyming) -- just like they say -- Ramayan feels new everytim you read it -- even if you read teh same thing -- new interpretations ??? just feel fresh(er) ??? Don't know .. Let's take this human body for exxample it's old (well newer cells eertime but ...) but stills some days after taking a bath or something -- it feels so fresh that you fell like conquering the world ... Is adventure freshening of our soul (or some mental form ) ??? Or is it just some chemical action that gives a hit to the mind ... ?????? 

Even if it is some chemical action -- what does it really mean -- some substances flow in out body affecting the working of our mind bla bla bla ... -- if adventure does freshen us what's the harm in calling it the mental food -- as my sir said -- poori duniya is man ko manae ki lye hi to jeeti hai -- we eat food for living -- but what do we live for ?? adventure (mental food ?) 

Well some views I already have on why people live or what people live for -- no purpose or why is tehre -- it's like a straw in a stream of water -- teh straw turns as the water makes it - it rises - it falls -- it has it's adventoures -- and everything -- we are the same -- why am I sitiing in this office -- coz my insti requuires me to -- why am I thinking about taking gre or thinking aobut ms/phd -- why not about making some change in the world -- coz it's the normal thing -- it's the easy thing --it's meandering of the river -- can we make a change ??? in this meandering -- forget changing the whole world -- can I just make a change to my life -- the whole world is too far a goal -- if I can't make a change in my life how can i do something more -- btw yesterday or sometihing I thoughjt of becoming a professor -- coz it was easy and i could teach thing i like and all (what ideal thoughts) -- but to make the students what -- something good -- why don't I become that something good ??? I have a nice company with me right now -- may be I might get a good job but will i be happy -- or will I be happier in some chootiya thing with adventouruos people doing cool things even when i don't have much money ??? Means -- what is adventuer -- what qualifies as adventure -- ok i lost my original train of thought here -- ya making a change in my own life 

It might just be a nice thing that i am at a tirahaa (3-way :) ) or something -- basically at a more where i have to make imprtant decisions in my life -- coz this is wehre i can decide to be what i want to be (and die in doom :) ) or choose out the the "coommon" things whie lead to the "widely beleived" happy/luxurious life -- why do I have to acdept the wide belief -- I can't -- it peels away my layers of life .... -- I just feel like I want to go roller-coaster on my life -- can't take it anymore -- thinkg about the smae nono... life that will be when I have done the courageous deed of alking away from this decision of my life 

A warrior faces the hardships of life. (originated in my mind by thinkhing aobut the peaceful warrior (movie) )

Ya warrior -- in cthd - in dbz -- do I wanna be a warrior --obviously not fighting against the physical enmies as in dbz ( why not cthd? :) ) -- but fighting in life to be what I want -- and boviouslyu not being lost in this fight itslelf -- coz that's like losing the fight itself -- but arent' there preetty cool chances that my life will win over me -- means what am I ?? -- just a mere straw ... my life will just thrash me on a stone so hard that i won't be able to speak a word again ...-- but i can't take this spritual pressure anymore (or boredom if you say so :) ) -- i feel like the pressure inside of me is giong to mkae me burst into pieces and i need to do somethihng now itslef --- i have wasted a lot of my life trying to do things that i don't wanna do -- idling time away coz i "have to" --i am done with thta -- even while typing thas I fell lke AI want to throw this keyborad at something and say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh......

Coming to my actual interest in study -- academics -- as i said i might just do something worth calling a research but ti doln't want someone on my head -- and i can't imagine my life with ersearch if i am doing my job -- frankilyu i can't imagine my life doing a job for the complete remainnig time in my life --k whatever -- ms might only have a good point of getting me a decently salaried job outside india -- but i will still have ato do atleast a year's job in india -- and those 2 years (or one) will be like energetically (studying req enery) wasting my time -- do I want to do that -- I wish i had some easy choice like zhang ziyi -- or is it that i know my choice but that is not a path -- I will have to pave the way ????????????/

Ok -- abrupt ending -- my mind has stoppped working and needs some rest maybe -- or won't start today itslef :) - so here goes the abrupt ending of today's blog-post.