whatever
this post i am forcing myself into writing coz actually i am felling really sleepy right now and should infact sleap and not write but here i am ...
today yahoo hr told tht i DID have a choice -- so now planning for my acco again :) -- mostly with vivek -- let's see -- the flight's in night so it's a bit risky :)
boredom is a topic that i have been googling lately -- "whay are we bored?" and thought i haven't read things completely i feel that boredom is a symptom not a disease -- and i guess i suffer from existential boredom -- the feeling of unfullfillness from on'es life ...
dissatisfaction is the feling ii am tlking about -- say someone who wants x in his life gets y -- what's the point -- no matter how good y might be for someone who wants somthing like that -- i made a really boring stmt today -- what good is / are spring roll(s) if all you want is to quench your thirst -- fate doesn't give the ease of doing something with the want of it to all .... the question again come back to what i want to do with my life ... i can kill my self ... or i can work with yahoo or like for the rest of my life ... or i can try to go for a filed phd math ... or in comp sci where the chances of getting would be good and i might have a reputation and it might help if i work for a few years but is any of this what i want ... people today live in small spaces with the environment super-polluted -- go to cubicles to work -- enjoy long traffic jams in between -- spend the money on something totally meaningless -- while retaining the still primitive form where all they want is some love and adventure and peace and satisfaction -- but mayve most of them never realize -- i remember a chapter form my hinidi book about angoolimal rakshas who killed people and cut thier fingers and kept them ... one day when buddha passed he said 'stop' buddha said --' i have stopped, when will you' -- i have the same feeling -- most pole in life are just running -- they want to become a good son/daughter/wife/manager/succesful person/athelete or something -- or are just used to something (i am thinking about selena's mother in gossip girl -- about her likes who live like that -- why do they ???????)
why i am able to live the way i am even that maybe i will never understand -- why do i continue to live like this when i hate it so much ??? -- btw lately i have been thinking about the moment of death and makes me realize that we are just 'going on' doing something unnessary -- like someone who's lying on his bed and just streching or something ... people marry, work, have fun, become sad , want a lot and do nothing for it, i hate it ..... so much -- people live for what -- they don't live for anything -- even many who think that they do ... they go on just like i am going on ... a simple sotory of a rock falling don the strem --
an analogy just stuck me throught that rock falling down the hill -- life is like sky diving -- till adulthood is the time when we fall to atttain critical verlocity .. we increase our speeds throughout ... but in adulthoood we stop -- it seems so weird that i feel that (although i don't remember much in my chidhood) -- as a child a year was long - alot packed into just one year -- i een rememver when writing dates in classroom that the first number changes always - the second after a long period but the third doesn't change at all -- i thought what's the need of the third one ?? - why don't we just eliminate it -- infaCT childhood years do pack a lot -- iamgine the safar from class one to five and compare it with the four years of college -- the four years were changing but i guess i can say safely that more development took in the former -- why -- why are humans content as adults and don't wanna change -- adults seem so ok, satified with their position and thinking and all -- it's so weird -- i don't want to enter adulthood -- amy i ever experience new things in life and never become accustomed to the 'going on' kind of life -- frustation mine is showing up hunh ? :) ?
was just taping the on button of my ac as ther's something wrong with it -- ' there's something wrong with it' -- such an easy thing to say -- but whtats wrong - sometimes we know sometimes we donm't -- and when we don't it's not neccssarily easy to find out -- do i know what's wrong with me that something 's wrong with my life or just what's wrong with my life ??
what's wrong with me is that i have never been outside of the flow of luck -- wherever life takes me i go -- doing the easy(as in one of my prev posts) -- it's like asking a civilian to take a gun and start fighting the enemy -- so what's wrong with me is that i haven't tried different things -- especially those that are difficult and the most meaningful (and what are they ???!) -- basically this is what is courage ... i need courage -- to face my life -- if i don't know what's wrong maybe i need to find out -- i can go in x direction just to find out it's the wrong way -- but i hvae to do something -- so .. if you don't know what do do -- don't do nothing
so what's wrong with my life -- everything -- first i am wrong -- i don't do what i want to do -- what do i want to do ?? -- and then the life that fate's offering me is simply monotonous and boring :) -- boring word again :)
hmmm.. ok step by step -- what do i want -- right now to sleep :) but .... i want clean environment - caring people - no one running unnessarily - rivers - grass - fresh mornings (contrasted to the ones i am used to - sleeping late till afternoon of getting the alarm to wake me up) - love - ek umang dil mein - kur karne ka jab man kare -- (a phd in switzerland?) - but is it possible -- people sacrifice their dreams for things that are more 'practical' (from scientific american page) like the woman in that article who wanted to be a biologist and the man who took religion giving up astronmy- what he likked -- it's maybe what i am going to do .. goingon with what life has to ofer me might be more 'solid' and .. whatever .. but this continous boredom will rip me apart -- will disengage my 'wonder' mode of looking at things in this universe -- what meaning will then crime be or (some word sarts with pro i guess and means someone who helps people or daonates whatever...) -- wht's the difference then -- why would i be for or against something -- why would i then be happy to have something and lose to be unhappy or whatever -- i would just be a living gropup on unconcerenced atoms who just don't care -- idon't give a damn -- crushing my spirit (in my prev post) is what's going to happen if i let my fate decide for my life -- it's said that for the bd to win all that's is needed is for the good to do nothing -- just like that -- for me to be ripped apart and live a dead person (zinda lash from blood stained intrigue :) ) all that's need is for me to do nothing -- 'but coperate with fate ' :) (from prev post :) )
but i have to live in this reality and unless i want to die there is no way around the 'certainities or practicalities' of life - so i have to find a way with them -- people everyday o all sorts of research wrok for their job or studies - they might not be so interested but they do put a hell lot of effort in them -- so why can't i -- why can't i first of all know my oppurtunities ?? -- my options - even if i coperate with life i still will have to put hell lots of effort (which would then be meaning nothing) -- but now the ersults mean a lot to me -- and i can overcome the laziness if i keep the results in my mind -- my freedom -- ok now i am going to listen to hte starting song of fma2 -0- ultimate :)
a wonderful starting (and ending song) -- in fact a wonderful series -- thoug h i might have to watch fma1 again ..i love this seris -- especially the touching moments -- this is the series that made me cry for the first time ever watching something that was multimedia .. ok anyways back to the point -- my thoughts of the dying moment
all that i do now is the most meaningfull thing that my life contains even though it's utterly meaning less coz you won't be diong something when u can do something beter (provided it's equally easy (nice word) to do those things) -- so this is the height of my life -- the profoundness in it's absolute nakedity (new wrod?) -- i am nothing -- just a waliking blind machine that does doing something .. yet another person who's surrendered under his/her fate without signs of resistance or struggle -- 'strugg'e' -- something you do when you have hope whose sideeffects i guess i taked about in the last post ... -- why should i fight -- coz there is a chance to succed and even if not i won't know if i don't ry -- well to try or not -- to hope and struggle or make do most with the useless things fate's given me -- i first have to do my research -- find out who the enemy is and wht weaponry i have and what it has -- how much will it cooperate aned all -- i can't just still sit (sit still sorry) and do nothing ..
now i shall sleep - to wake another day into what might seem like the same universe -- good night (ywawning virtualy)
this post i am forcing myself into writing coz actually i am felling really sleepy right now and should infact sleap and not write but here i am ...
today yahoo hr told tht i DID have a choice -- so now planning for my acco again :) -- mostly with vivek -- let's see -- the flight's in night so it's a bit risky :)
boredom is a topic that i have been googling lately -- "whay are we bored?" and thought i haven't read things completely i feel that boredom is a symptom not a disease -- and i guess i suffer from existential boredom -- the feeling of unfullfillness from on'es life ...
dissatisfaction is the feling ii am tlking about -- say someone who wants x in his life gets y -- what's the point -- no matter how good y might be for someone who wants somthing like that -- i made a really boring stmt today -- what good is / are spring roll(s) if all you want is to quench your thirst -- fate doesn't give the ease of doing something with the want of it to all .... the question again come back to what i want to do with my life ... i can kill my self ... or i can work with yahoo or like for the rest of my life ... or i can try to go for a filed phd math ... or in comp sci where the chances of getting would be good and i might have a reputation and it might help if i work for a few years but is any of this what i want ... people today live in small spaces with the environment super-polluted -- go to cubicles to work -- enjoy long traffic jams in between -- spend the money on something totally meaningless -- while retaining the still primitive form where all they want is some love and adventure and peace and satisfaction -- but mayve most of them never realize -- i remember a chapter form my hinidi book about angoolimal rakshas who killed people and cut thier fingers and kept them ... one day when buddha passed he said 'stop' buddha said --' i have stopped, when will you' -- i have the same feeling -- most pole in life are just running -- they want to become a good son/daughter/wife/manager/succesful person/athelete or something -- or are just used to something (i am thinking about selena's mother in gossip girl -- about her likes who live like that -- why do they ???????)
why i am able to live the way i am even that maybe i will never understand -- why do i continue to live like this when i hate it so much ??? -- btw lately i have been thinking about the moment of death and makes me realize that we are just 'going on' doing something unnessary -- like someone who's lying on his bed and just streching or something ... people marry, work, have fun, become sad , want a lot and do nothing for it, i hate it ..... so much -- people live for what -- they don't live for anything -- even many who think that they do ... they go on just like i am going on ... a simple sotory of a rock falling don the strem --
an analogy just stuck me throught that rock falling down the hill -- life is like sky diving -- till adulthood is the time when we fall to atttain critical verlocity .. we increase our speeds throughout ... but in adulthoood we stop -- it seems so weird that i feel that (although i don't remember much in my chidhood) -- as a child a year was long - alot packed into just one year -- i een rememver when writing dates in classroom that the first number changes always - the second after a long period but the third doesn't change at all -- i thought what's the need of the third one ?? - why don't we just eliminate it -- infaCT childhood years do pack a lot -- iamgine the safar from class one to five and compare it with the four years of college -- the four years were changing but i guess i can say safely that more development took in the former -- why -- why are humans content as adults and don't wanna change -- adults seem so ok, satified with their position and thinking and all -- it's so weird -- i don't want to enter adulthood -- amy i ever experience new things in life and never become accustomed to the 'going on' kind of life -- frustation mine is showing up hunh ? :) ?
was just taping the on button of my ac as ther's something wrong with it -- ' there's something wrong with it' -- such an easy thing to say -- but whtats wrong - sometimes we know sometimes we donm't -- and when we don't it's not neccssarily easy to find out -- do i know what's wrong with me that something 's wrong with my life or just what's wrong with my life ??
what's wrong with me is that i have never been outside of the flow of luck -- wherever life takes me i go -- doing the easy(as in one of my prev posts) -- it's like asking a civilian to take a gun and start fighting the enemy -- so what's wrong with me is that i haven't tried different things -- especially those that are difficult and the most meaningful (and what are they ???!) -- basically this is what is courage ... i need courage -- to face my life -- if i don't know what's wrong maybe i need to find out -- i can go in x direction just to find out it's the wrong way -- but i hvae to do something -- so .. if you don't know what do do -- don't do nothing
so what's wrong with my life -- everything -- first i am wrong -- i don't do what i want to do -- what do i want to do ?? -- and then the life that fate's offering me is simply monotonous and boring :) -- boring word again :)
hmmm.. ok step by step -- what do i want -- right now to sleep :) but .... i want clean environment - caring people - no one running unnessarily - rivers - grass - fresh mornings (contrasted to the ones i am used to - sleeping late till afternoon of getting the alarm to wake me up) - love - ek umang dil mein - kur karne ka jab man kare -- (a phd in switzerland?) - but is it possible -- people sacrifice their dreams for things that are more 'practical' (from scientific american page) like the woman in that article who wanted to be a biologist and the man who took religion giving up astronmy- what he likked -- it's maybe what i am going to do .. goingon with what life has to ofer me might be more 'solid' and .. whatever .. but this continous boredom will rip me apart -- will disengage my 'wonder' mode of looking at things in this universe -- what meaning will then crime be or (some word sarts with pro i guess and means someone who helps people or daonates whatever...) -- wht's the difference then -- why would i be for or against something -- why would i then be happy to have something and lose to be unhappy or whatever -- i would just be a living gropup on unconcerenced atoms who just don't care -- idon't give a damn -- crushing my spirit (in my prev post) is what's going to happen if i let my fate decide for my life -- it's said that for the bd to win all that's is needed is for the good to do nothing -- just like that -- for me to be ripped apart and live a dead person (zinda lash from blood stained intrigue :) ) all that's need is for me to do nothing -- 'but coperate with fate ' :) (from prev post :) )
but i have to live in this reality and unless i want to die there is no way around the 'certainities or practicalities' of life - so i have to find a way with them -- people everyday o all sorts of research wrok for their job or studies - they might not be so interested but they do put a hell lot of effort in them -- so why can't i -- why can't i first of all know my oppurtunities ?? -- my options - even if i coperate with life i still will have to put hell lots of effort (which would then be meaning nothing) -- but now the ersults mean a lot to me -- and i can overcome the laziness if i keep the results in my mind -- my freedom -- ok now i am going to listen to hte starting song of fma2 -0- ultimate :)
a wonderful starting (and ending song) -- in fact a wonderful series -- thoug h i might have to watch fma1 again ..i love this seris -- especially the touching moments -- this is the series that made me cry for the first time ever watching something that was multimedia .. ok anyways back to the point -- my thoughts of the dying moment
all that i do now is the most meaningfull thing that my life contains even though it's utterly meaning less coz you won't be diong something when u can do something beter (provided it's equally easy (nice word) to do those things) -- so this is the height of my life -- the profoundness in it's absolute nakedity (new wrod?) -- i am nothing -- just a waliking blind machine that does doing something .. yet another person who's surrendered under his/her fate without signs of resistance or struggle -- 'strugg'e' -- something you do when you have hope whose sideeffects i guess i taked about in the last post ... -- why should i fight -- coz there is a chance to succed and even if not i won't know if i don't ry -- well to try or not -- to hope and struggle or make do most with the useless things fate's given me -- i first have to do my research -- find out who the enemy is and wht weaponry i have and what it has -- how much will it cooperate aned all -- i can't just still sit (sit still sorry) and do nothing ..
now i shall sleep - to wake another day into what might seem like the same universe -- good night (ywawning virtualy)
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