Today is the twenty-seventh of march two thousand and eleven and I am typing this entry in emacs (why do i like emacs ??). Ok anyways, where am I at this junction of my life??

Many years have passed since I first started thinking about what to do with my life. The description of the old gre/cat/job question i just read in my old blog entries was very revealing as to how less my thoughts have changed over such a long period of time.

But now I have tried and had disappointments in both areas (mba not even considered). But my target of 'losing hope' (in a recent blog entry ending) hasn't been complete. But yes I have lost some hope (though all credit for that goes to my luck and none to my efforts). Morever my dreams and stray thoughts have revealed that my mental state is still in part a schoolchild who adds a mystery to anything unknown but is unable to find why adults do the things they do, a college guy who doesn't care as he's not sure caring will help his future anyhow and hopes for a better future (has a pride that doesn't let him think of a lesser future but doesn't know it) and is really really really confused about what (visible) path to take in his future; and a dreamer who, unable to cope with reality, lives in a different world and has clouded his vision of the world with wishful thinking.

Ok now wishful thinking is something that distorts the view of reality for everyone. And it has been a difficult one to handle. When all your nice views about the world come crumbling down, you just can't take it. All this wishful thinking was developed by your mind as the genes required it to make for you a fancy world so that you would continue surviving and trying. Facing things as the way they is harmful for one's mental health. And it's something I have been trying (has been happening to me?) for some time now.

Most recent noted aspect of wishful thinking is perhaps my pride. Pride about my future. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to decide anything at all and have just wasted the last 2 years of my life doing nothing and will probably waste much more it. My pride also entails not agreeing to let things be the way they are and just continue existing handling one miserable day at a time. The first pride won't last long. Few more days maybe - last few breaths. But the latter part of my pride, I hope, will (out)last my lifetime.


Back to wishful thinking. (I am going to make up a few stories now.)

There was this dialogue (in 201 of 70's show?) by Ted when he had those rum cake (cake? what the the name? started with b?) :
Take whatever you want, it's not going to fill the hole in your life.

I think I have been trying to fill the hole in my life by trying to have a remarkable future. That would satisfy my pride and fill the hole (ya it would work, atleast for 2 years :)). But as the saying from fma goes :
Truth is what gives one the most fitting form of despair to insure them not to be conceited.

To think otherwise is to blind yourself, and when you do that you will not even know what hit you and will wonder for the rest of your life where you are.

Ok, so now where am I. Still at the same place. My mental faculties don't distinguish between my childhood self, college self and now self. To think that I am something else now is again wishful thinking. With my hopes in direct contradiction with the reality i have to live in each and every single day, how can i hope that my thoughts and my desires have logically evolved chronologically. They are a mish-mash of the past hopes and present circumstances, intertwined. I could say I am living in a non-chronological order. But what's wrong with it. In order to survive the child I was kept going inspite of the fact that he couldn't make sense of anything just like I can't accept the reality as it is now and continue to hope. It's no wonder that all this remains an unterminated episode in my mind though logically/according-to-reality it has terminated.

Again coming back to my pride: What gave me the right to even a single glass of water? And how can I assume I deserve better? Maybe survival skills again - doesn't everyone want better, hope better, fight for better? Maybe I am blaming myself too much. It's not my fault that I am miserable. It's just my sin (sin here by definition is something that leads to misfortune - so by that logic, being poor, week or unlucky are all sins.) And again, some more lines from fma (starting song) :
A sin doesn't end with tears
You have to suffer and carry the burden forever
Who are you waiting for in the labyrinth of your emotions,
with no exit in sight?

As I spelled them out in this blank notebook,
I want to release my true feelings more and more.
What do you want to escape from?
That thing called reality?


Really liked that series - that and doctor who - something good that happend after bits. Can't say it was total nothing. But aside from the life I lived through a computer screen, I doubt anything really happened.

Anyways coming back to the question i generally always talk about : what to do (next) ?

Que sera sera
whatever will be, will be
the future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

So i have tried an failed (tried? really?) and life still goes on. Now that I have also have little glimpses of my life past, I doubt my future can be any worse :). (Great benchmark that is, isnt' it?)

What is life:
A monk, being chased by a lion, runs off a cliff. He's lucky to grab a branch breaking his fall. He looks down and sees another lion leaping up missing him only by a few inches. Strandled between two beasts, he notices a branch next to the one he's grabing and it has strawberries. He grabs one with his free hand and puts it in his mouth. Chewing it slowly, he says "ummm... delicious".