whatever

this post i am forcing myself into writing coz actually i am felling really sleepy right now and should infact sleap and not write but here i am ...

today yahoo hr told tht i DID have a choice -- so now planning for my acco again :) -- mostly with vivek -- let's see -- the flight's in night so it's a bit risky :)

boredom is a topic that i have been googling lately -- "whay are we bored?" and thought i haven't read things completely i feel that boredom is a symptom not a disease -- and i guess i suffer from existential boredom -- the feeling of unfullfillness from on'es life ...

dissatisfaction is the feling ii am tlking about -- say someone who wants x in his life gets y -- what's the point -- no matter how good y might be for someone who wants somthing like that -- i made a really boring stmt today -- what good is / are spring roll(s) if all you want is to quench your thirst -- fate doesn't give the ease of doing something with the want of it to all .... the question again come back to what i want to do with my life ... i can kill my self ... or i can work with yahoo or like for the rest of my life ... or i can try to go for a filed phd math ... or in comp sci where the chances of getting would be good and i might have a reputation and it might help if i work for a few years but is any of this what i want ... people today live in small spaces with the environment super-polluted -- go to cubicles to work -- enjoy long traffic jams in between -- spend the money on something totally meaningless -- while retaining the still primitive form where all they want is some love and adventure and peace and satisfaction -- but mayve most of them never realize -- i remember a chapter form my hinidi book about angoolimal rakshas who killed people and cut thier fingers and kept them ... one day when buddha passed he said 'stop' buddha said --' i have stopped, when will you' -- i have the same feeling -- most pole in life are just running -- they want to become a good son/daughter/wife/manager/succesful person/athelete or something -- or are just used to something (i am thinking about selena's mother in gossip girl -- about her likes who live like that -- why do they ???????)

why i am able to live the way i am even that maybe i will never understand -- why do i continue to live like this when i hate it so much ??? -- btw lately i have been thinking about the moment of death and makes me realize that we are just 'going on' doing something unnessary -- like someone who's lying on his bed and just streching or something ... people marry, work, have fun, become sad , want a lot and do nothing for it, i hate it ..... so much -- people live for what -- they don't live for anything -- even many who think that they do ... they go on just like i am going on ... a simple sotory of a rock falling don the strem --

an analogy just stuck me throught that rock falling down the hill -- life is like sky diving -- till adulthood is the time when we fall to atttain critical verlocity .. we increase our speeds throughout ... but in adulthoood we stop -- it seems so weird that i feel that (although i don't remember much in my chidhood) -- as a child a year was long - alot packed into just one year -- i een rememver when writing dates in classroom that the first number changes always - the second after a long period but the third doesn't change at all -- i thought what's the need of the third one ?? - why don't we just eliminate it -- infaCT childhood years do pack a lot -- iamgine the safar from class one to five and compare it with the four years of college -- the four years were changing but i guess i can say safely that more development took in the former -- why -- why are humans content as adults and don't wanna change -- adults seem so ok, satified with their position and thinking and all -- it's so weird -- i don't want to enter adulthood -- amy i ever experience new things in life and never become accustomed to the 'going on' kind of life -- frustation mine is showing up hunh ? :) ?

was just taping the on button of my ac as ther's something wrong with it -- ' there's something wrong with it' -- such an easy thing to say -- but whtats wrong - sometimes we know sometimes we donm't -- and when we don't it's not neccssarily easy to find out -- do i know what's wrong with me that something 's wrong with my life or just what's wrong with my life ?? 

what's wrong with me is that i have never been outside of the flow of luck -- wherever life takes me i go -- doing the easy(as in one of my prev posts) -- it's like asking a civilian to take a gun and start fighting the enemy -- so what's wrong with me is that i haven't tried different things -- especially those that are difficult and the most meaningful (and what are they ???!) -- basically this is what is courage ... i need courage -- to face my life -- if i don't know what's wrong maybe i need to find out -- i can go in x direction just to find out it's the wrong way -- but i hvae to do something -- so .. if you don't know what do do -- don't do nothing

so what's wrong with my life -- everything -- first i am wrong -- i don't do what i want to do -- what do i want to do ?? -- and then the life that fate's offering me is simply monotonous and boring :) -- boring word again :)

hmmm.. ok step by step -- what do i want -- right now to sleep :) but .... i want clean environment - caring people - no one running unnessarily - rivers - grass - fresh mornings (contrasted to the ones i am used to - sleeping late till afternoon of getting the alarm to wake me up) - love - ek umang dil mein - kur karne ka jab man kare -- (a phd in switzerland?) - but is it possible -- people sacrifice their dreams for things that are more 'practical' (from scientific american page) like the woman in that article who wanted to be a biologist and the man who took religion giving up astronmy- what he likked -- it's maybe what i am going to do .. goingon with what life has to ofer me might be more 'solid' and .. whatever .. but this continous boredom will rip me apart -- will disengage my 'wonder' mode of looking at things in this universe -- what meaning will then crime be or (some word sarts with pro i guess and means someone who helps people or daonates whatever...) -- wht's the difference then -- why would i be for or against something -- why would i then be happy to have something and lose to be unhappy or whatever -- i would just be a living gropup on unconcerenced atoms who just don't care -- idon't give a damn -- crushing my spirit (in my prev post) is what's going to happen if i let my fate decide for my life -- it's said that for the bd to win all that's is needed is for the good to do nothing -- just like that -- for me to be ripped apart and live a dead person (zinda lash from blood stained intrigue :) ) all that's need is for me to do nothing -- 'but coperate with fate ' :) (from prev post :) )

but i have to live in this reality and unless i want to die there is no way around the 'certainities or practicalities' of life - so i have to find a way with them -- people everyday o all sorts of research wrok for their job or studies - they might not be so interested but they do put a hell lot of effort in them -- so why can't i -- why can't i first of all know my oppurtunities ?? -- my options - even if i coperate with life i still will have to put hell lots of effort (which would then be meaning nothing) -- but now the ersults mean a lot to me -- and i can overcome the laziness if i keep the results in my mind -- my freedom -- ok now i am going to listen to hte starting song of fma2 -0- ultimate :)

a wonderful starting (and ending song) -- in fact a wonderful series -- thoug h i might have to watch fma1 again ..i love this seris -- especially the touching moments -- this is the series that made me cry for the first time ever watching something that was multimedia .. ok anyways back to the point -- my thoughts of the dying moment 

all that i do now is the most meaningfull thing that my life contains even though it's utterly meaning less coz you won't be diong something when u can do something beter (provided it's equally easy (nice word) to do those things) -- so this is the height of my life -- the profoundness in it's absolute nakedity (new wrod?) -- i am nothing -- just a waliking blind machine that does doing something .. yet another person who's surrendered under his/her fate without signs of resistance or struggle -- 'strugg'e' -- something you do when you have hope whose sideeffects i guess i taked about in the last post ... -- why should i fight -- coz there is a chance to succed and even if not i won't know if i don't ry -- well to try or not -- to hope and struggle or make do most with the useless things fate's given me -- i first have to do my research -- find out who the enemy is and wht weaponry i have and what it has -- how much will it cooperate aned all -- i can't just still sit (sit still sorry) and do nothing .. 

now i shall sleep - to wake another day into what might seem like the same universe -- good night (ywawning virtualy)

hope

When you are in some trouble with no apparent way out, you can still have hope -- the wonderful thing -- bt it can also be the source of suffering when you really don't have to ....

A simple example would be someone on the death bed with a very painful deisease and liveing through machines in 'hpe'' of becoming good again -- but he has just prolonged his suffering ...

considering hope as good is because we have been 'trained' to do so by the society we live in ... and also because it gives us hope -- :) -- purely cyclic :) -- what's hope ?? -- it's something we want , to happen mostly iguess, that is along the lines of what we want -- it's what's said to be 'somehing to hold on to when you see no way out' -- and hence a good thing -- well we will take this aspect first -- hope is good becoz it holds us together when we have no visile way out ....

a will to live might be a very big factor in deciding weather a patient on death-bed will live or die -- so hope helps him -- well but it could prolong his suffering too -- and is life worth it anyway -- the point is that the other person has 'given up' -- maybe even feels depressed ....

'giving up' -- can't it be good in those places where hoping would bring bad results -- when you have only a certain desires in you life and those seem not to be going to fullfilled -- you 'need' to hold on to hope -- it's an escape

giving up hope can also be good when you should stop relying on fate/chance to make somthing happen and do something on your own -- something concrete -- not saying to yourself that maybe someday something will happen good -- but doing something -- howsoever meagrely in the direction of your good ... this , i guess , is what i need to do ...

hope is good -- because it keeps your spirit alive -- the passion to do something -- your love for something -- (spirit here doesn't refer to soul btw) -- giving up though can be a practical move -- but i hope(:)) it can be done without crushing the spirit -- it's goood when it helps you to take your own actions -- probably even descructive so thta either you get what you want or you are destroyed -- actually that's a good option -- a bad option would be when you either succed or don't fail -- just be miserable in the other option -- you have given up -- no hope lift -- you either chane what you want -- or live with the fact that you won't get what you want -- wel here i fell the spirit gets crushed -- one would become indifferrent to life ....

i was going through my earlier blogs today -- i read them as though am reading somethign in some book -- i don't really recall that easily the emotions/thoughts/mood i had while writing them ... -- but in this poem --'maybe'-- i loved my own line that sayed that life is a toy and should be played with -- hope is what holds you together when you want to win -- coz you take life too seriously -- you get only one life -- this is all the time you have -- well that's not false -- and is entirely profound but -- what stops you from diluting the seriousness of life so hat you can enjoy it more thoroughly -- if you look at it as a game then even if you don't win -- you can still fool around -- :) -- well that brings me back to the question what do i want in life -- i certainly don't want phd/ms/jpb/managemnt even if i compare it to 'wining' in life --i want enoyment -- isn't it -- then enjoyment is winning -- then i should enjoy -- i win then -- hmmm.... interesting -- gives me some hopes -- maybe i was wrong in attaaching enjoyment to only a few things that were visible -- those were good (i don't really know though howmuch) -- the fact that i can enjoy just by fooling off in/with life is amazing -- it says that i can enjoy without really having those things -- but still -- jerking off would only give as much fun -- knowing that i counldn't get 100 percent -- i am making do with 45.6 -- but there's the point --i don't want hapiness or anything -- i wan't to enjoy -- live fully (btw here enjoy would even mean crying coz that's living -- enjoy doesn't imply here a cheerful mood but a fullfilled one :) )

so now i take back the topic of giving up -- a lone fish in an empty aquaruim (with just water an dfish in it) cannot do much -- it's her fate -- so does the conditions of a man imply on the possibilities that his/her life has to present... - hoping here is the optimistic view that there might exist some possibility -- giving up is the opposite -- maybe better though ??? -- u cud try doing something before giving up on it completely -- maybe you shoudn't hope unrealistically -- counting on fate -- fate might help , it might not -- but you certainnly can 'try' -- obviously if fate doen't permit even then -- not your fault -- but 'try' -- that's all you can do -- gita says something like this or is said to say so (do your work, the results/fruit is not in your hands)

Here comes again the division in lif3e of what you can control and what you can't -- hope is good for keeping your spirit together by controllling your mind in to beleiving that the non-controable thins might aid in your procurement of your wishes -- but hope without efort is not really meaningful -- wspecially if it doesn't come true with time -- you need to control your controllable parts to make the uncontrooled do that you want (obviously you can only try -- and you need to even if it destroys your 99% hope :) --ie other 'possible' chances of your success by luck)

coming back -- being realistic -- logical -- speculative -- thinker -- giving up on expectation of your hopes being fullfilled isn't bad at all -- you give up your fears of not having things without giving up the hopes . "hope' in the above sentence seems sysnonymous with 'desire' -- though hope kinda indicates some 'miraculous' expectation that might aid in acheving the desire ... how about giving up you expectations but not your desire -- still hoping without relying on the uncontrollable -- allowing fate to make a move when seems fit and intervening when i t doeswn't -- afterall we can only try -- and that should be a source on new hope and is more trustworthy than hoping for a miracle -- hoping then seems like a medicine which helps you endure pain (like morphine ?) but could be bad for you if taken in excessive amounts -- hope then is a coin with two sides -- good and bad -- the bad seeming to be never discussed in literature -- the phrase 'hope for the best' seems reuplsive to me now and now i still 'hope for the best' ... (the difference is like saying 'mera bharat mahan' just coz you are born here and latter being looking at the achivements and the cultures etc. and 'then' saying 'mera bharat mahan') ...

---- The end ..........