HAA......

i don't know why but i just felt like i wanted to write something in my blog -- can't control it -- am feeling like something wanting to exdplde in me and all i can doo is stay on this table and write this --- i feel lkike i feel like -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I , I , I just want to crack open sand explode into pieces so that ther's nothing left in me -- I , I just a mtired of living this life .... I can't take it anymore --- even for a day i guess -- I feel like trappped in my own story that I am enacting that was 'bestowed' upon me byt the world -- i just want to rip it apart --- i just want to explode and get away from the situation I am in -- I don't know wehre my life is heading but the 'optimist' in me says that my life will find a direction 'eventually' and i just want to say to him -- ' CUT THE CRAP'- ok ?? i am going into a dark pit which might not be just dark because I don't know what's inside there but because it's inherently dark --- i am on the most crucial mooments of my life and all i do is lie around doing nothing and comeing to this bloody office adn do nothing hoping to do some 'work' someday -- i can't stabilize my hands even on this keyboard --- i just want to break it ok ?>? --- maybe i am sad because i have nothing to do -- but maybe the reason i am that sad is because wehn i see tha i have notihng dto do -- I have nothing to do -- I AM NOTHING -- i have never been --- just a machine whoresponds to 'circumstances' --- ok whatever --- this life is over now --- i have to get a new one -- coz this one's going to rot --- and i can't stand to live in a rotten one --- ALL I WANT ALL I WANT AALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE ---


I want to ask myself one question though -- just one --- will i be able to 'do' this --- will i succed --- well i guess failure is a lot better option than giving up --- it's like 'shaheed hona' --- 'sarfaroshi' ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai -- i dont' know the exact meaning of the term 'sarfaroshi' so basically i replace it with 'kutch karne ki ab' -- well didn't want to mentiion the second line as i dont' have enemies whom i want to crush or something (well to see now -- who are my enemies --- the world ?? -- i guess no, - it's only a challenge -- it's something that will make me enjoy the journey even if I emerge a failure --- well my real enemy is, I guess, my Laziness -- and maybe also my lack of knowledge -- but mostly my Laziness only --- for my lack of knowledge can only lead me to failure -- but Laziness can lead me to crush my own spirit -- become the most disgusting thing in the world -- something that will be just so disgusting that it will eventually devour and digest the whole Universe and nothing will be left not even the disgust --- so that 'something' can be free again --- basically that feeling is letting it's 0.000000000000001 % of it's (infinitesimal)square part and make me so .. yaaaaaaaaa ... basically i am not just giong to terminate this coz i have to leave the office premises now and basically beacus i don't have much to contiue with and must get rid of this weird felling now .... okay ???

Maybe it's all just neurological --- i think i need to refine it -- os wish me best of luck mbaby .....

asta lavista :) (whatever that means :) )

The lost thoughts...

Let me llok at the thoughts I have been having from the last two three months or more -- mba/gre/job fight, what do I want?, what to download next ? -- what my life has for me ahead... would I be happy in a situation like this or that ??? -- and most of the thoughts didn't end in a good or happy ending -- mostly like these thoughts hav ebecome something that I feel like I have wasted my time with -- I have wasted my entire life and so am I going to do with the rest of my life ... -- no job/ms/mba will change my life -- if something like that happens - that will be my luck -- i can have a mast life in mba and a useless one in ms in algorithms and a boring one in job (:)) -- --- what can change my life (btw why do I want to change my life ?0 -- I just want to chage myslef -- I am expecting something from my life -- I am given a choice out of alpha beta and gamma -- and luck has the powetrto push me any side -- I am not saying that this is not important -- just that it is not so importatn that I make it the largest part of my life ... -- change yourself -- become who you ARE -- that's enough -- fell the pain of not having what you want -- feel the frustration -- feel the heat -- feel the adventure of doing something you never thought you could have done before -- be a kid -- you always are -- what do you want -- more money -- most certainly not -- better be heidi in the mountains than some sick lonely bastard who takes bath in money everyday -- simplicity is something that soothes our brain -- showness is something that seems to attract us -- part of jealousy / envy -- what he has why don't I -- just that felling you don't really want all that -- I don't want a big house / a big /car / having dinners in 5 stars -- so why am I looking for a job with a lot of money ?? - what am I going to do with all the money -- maybe a job where I fell good and not rich -- a place where I can be myself -- (not city?) -- I am a machine -- and htis machine is currently enjoyihng the songs -- aaina bata kaise -- arre bhai I am using the hyphens very frequently amn't I -- I shuold probably try controlling my urge to use them -- human is juat a machine who feels happy with the things he /she feels happy with -- and given them is happy -- am just saying coz ye song bada hi achcha lag raha hai -- infaact kaffi songs achche lage hain ... -- can't write wehn the lyrics are on in songs :) ,,, 

ok where was I -- hmm.. ye typing sudharni hai be -- ya changing myself -- not changing coz I am what I am -- I am not changing my nature but what I do -- my actions -- I have to BECOME what I AM (on the inside ?) -- ok -- antoher good song -- maybe ... -- changing -- --respect yourself -- and be yourself -- and respect yoour parents -and NATURE -- everything --- be disperasd in the wind like the seeds/ pollen grains -- and each the limit where you become the eind yourself ... be the way of teh world -- whatever am I saying man .. I don't think I will be able to write words properly after some thime ok ? ok no w this wind has become headached and feels likefor respecting the body it should sleep but maybe oing out for a while will suffice too , but maybe a good soothing song will also do more than good ... dkeho inhe ye hain os ki boonde patton ki .......... ok m too involved in the songs right now so i don't think i will continue this right now ok ?