HAA......

i don't know why but i just felt like i wanted to write something in my blog -- can't control it -- am feeling like something wanting to exdplde in me and all i can doo is stay on this table and write this --- i feel lkike i feel like -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I , I , I just want to crack open sand explode into pieces so that ther's nothing left in me -- I , I just a mtired of living this life .... I can't take it anymore --- even for a day i guess -- I feel like trappped in my own story that I am enacting that was 'bestowed' upon me byt the world -- i just want to rip it apart --- i just want to explode and get away from the situation I am in -- I don't know wehre my life is heading but the 'optimist' in me says that my life will find a direction 'eventually' and i just want to say to him -- ' CUT THE CRAP'- ok ?? i am going into a dark pit which might not be just dark because I don't know what's inside there but because it's inherently dark --- i am on the most crucial mooments of my life and all i do is lie around doing nothing and comeing to this bloody office adn do nothing hoping to do some 'work' someday -- i can't stabilize my hands even on this keyboard --- i just want to break it ok ?>? --- maybe i am sad because i have nothing to do -- but maybe the reason i am that sad is because wehn i see tha i have notihng dto do -- I have nothing to do -- I AM NOTHING -- i have never been --- just a machine whoresponds to 'circumstances' --- ok whatever --- this life is over now --- i have to get a new one -- coz this one's going to rot --- and i can't stand to live in a rotten one --- ALL I WANT ALL I WANT AALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE ---


I want to ask myself one question though -- just one --- will i be able to 'do' this --- will i succed --- well i guess failure is a lot better option than giving up --- it's like 'shaheed hona' --- 'sarfaroshi' ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai -- i dont' know the exact meaning of the term 'sarfaroshi' so basically i replace it with 'kutch karne ki ab' -- well didn't want to mentiion the second line as i dont' have enemies whom i want to crush or something (well to see now -- who are my enemies --- the world ?? -- i guess no, - it's only a challenge -- it's something that will make me enjoy the journey even if I emerge a failure --- well my real enemy is, I guess, my Laziness -- and maybe also my lack of knowledge -- but mostly my Laziness only --- for my lack of knowledge can only lead me to failure -- but Laziness can lead me to crush my own spirit -- become the most disgusting thing in the world -- something that will be just so disgusting that it will eventually devour and digest the whole Universe and nothing will be left not even the disgust --- so that 'something' can be free again --- basically that feeling is letting it's 0.000000000000001 % of it's (infinitesimal)square part and make me so .. yaaaaaaaaa ... basically i am not just giong to terminate this coz i have to leave the office premises now and basically beacus i don't have much to contiue with and must get rid of this weird felling now .... okay ???

Maybe it's all just neurological --- i think i need to refine it -- os wish me best of luck mbaby .....

asta lavista :) (whatever that means :) )