liberty and security

feb 24 2009 11:40 pm

last sem in college
2 more months to go
then what ???

fact 1 : life goes on (no matter what)
fact 2 : it ends (death ...)

basically : while(!deathtime) { life goes on ; }

fact 1 has different forms :
-- time cures all wounds 
-- you get used to 
-- you will adjust
-- kutch nahi, bhagwaan sab sahi kar dega
-- ye to hota rehta hai
-- sab chalta hai 
(last 4 are not good/exact alternatives butjust wanted to put them)

basically focussing here on the first two (i feel they are the same -- not what they directly say but what they essentially mean -- life goes on)

ok first thing i hate the above loop : so i just have to put a break statement there -- i have to do something whose effect is enough to not get used to -- at least not before a while -- but without drowning me into a sequence of events that i wouldn't want

so here comes the main question : what do i want ?

ok, as usual what i don't want : a monotonous life..., a life that i am dragging along
what do i want : really i am blank on this -- i don't think i really need much if the above point be satisfied

ok now my options : 
a job -- job -- job -- job -- death
any thing else

do i have an option here -- now two things :
1. kal kare so aaj kar
2. be lazy and decide later

so what's in "any thing else" : (hmmmmmmm......)

well that depend what i want in that category : so -- what do i want ?

back to square 1

first one thing -- happiness seems to be relative so there might not be an answer to that question that can permanenetly make me happpy but still there should be some kind of answer :
right now i am thinking for what i wanna do and am trying to see if i have interest for hier studies -- last sem i was just cursing my life -- last year (3rd) i was trying to study so that i make some grade atleast in my cdcs -- first 2 coll years i did not study coz that what i felt like
so, i have been doing something to make myself something -- if i don't go for a job and instead for hier studies (1 year later ofcourse) won't i still be trying to make myself something -- what after that -- why even that -- why do i want to DO something -- why should i always have a short-term/long-term goal -- why do i want to cut my life into pieces -- work, study for gre, study, try to do good even if it doesn't come naturally to you, try hard b4 quitting (if ever) -- what then -- what after all this -- then do i find myself another amusement to strangle myself with -- another busykeeper -- shud i think of living then -- why not now ????

'why not now' is simple -- coz i don't know -- i have no clue as to what i want to do in life -- and "going on with life" is just a simple thing to do -- it's what happens when i don't do anything -- while sleeping , eating, anything -- life goes on ....

do i want to be like this throughout my life ?? here, do i want a goal ?? -- that's exactly what i don't want -- i don't want to tie myself, my life to the completion of one task (or one after another) -- when do i live in all that ? the point is do i want to be clueless about my life and just go on :
so here are the keywords -- aim and clueless :
aim -- putting efforts and expectations into something
clueless -- blank (a state of mind)

what aim is good ?? can an aim be good ?? isn't "trying to be not clueless" a good aim ?

well am too sleepy now to continue -- off to sleep (1 am (night ;) )