Wishful thinking

A person sitting in a train, going to another country, coz of war in homeland, hoping for a wonderful place - that's wishful thinking

A person who's sitting in a cubicle and dreaming/visualising about being the CEO or something - that's wishful thinking

A person waiting to 'fall' in love - that's wishful thinking

A person going about doing his daily routines waiting for something cool to happen in his life ... (movies like matrix, wanted etc. earn heavily on this feeling) - that's wishful thinking

A person going through rough times 'knowing' that things will become better - that's wishful thinking

Wishful thinking is anything that 'avoids' work .... and gives a feeling of comfort

It can be very useful in 'difficult' situations but one who constantly dreams like this is just trying to repress his own feelings and powerlessness and justify his own sloth ....

Excessive dose of wishful thinking can be curbed by courage ... wishful thinking of 'making your life a way you would feel alive' would need perhaps the highest does of courage ....


Courage

Once out in the battlefield with a sword and shield, it doesn't need courage to fight - it's kill or be killed.

Once in the possession of things; it doesn't need much courage to 'risk' losing those things to try to get better things -- like it's doesn't require much courage to risk you assets to acquire other companies even when the risk involves being bankrupt ...

It doesn't require much courage to kill yourself either -- depressed ones just kill coz their life is not one to be lived, some sacrifise their life for their loved ones ...

if mainly driven by anger and frustration; it doesn't require much courage to fight a very powerful enemy ...

Courage is not taking 'risks' where chances/probabilty of success can be atleast vaguely calculated

Courage is not a strong person risking hurting himself trying to defend a weak one

Courage is not sacrifising your luxuries for the welfare of the society

Courage is not even a warrior's defense of his pride (in form of clan/nation of just his 'manhood') by fighting a strong enemy with whom he's most likey lose his life ....

(ok too much exaggeration; now getting to the point)

courage is a weak poor man trying to defend his 8year old son from the bullet of soldier's gun

courage is a warrior giving up his pride (like in sacrificing his life for 'proving' or other stupid reasons) for the better of his clan/nation/family/himself especially when everyone around his will joke at his 'non-manliness'/cowardice

courage is the weak staring the eyes of powerful (i wanted here to write God but couldn't sepearted the omnipotent part from other 'attributes') and saying 'no'; knowing that that will be his doom (the powerful can be the society which set the norms for 'respectable' doing -- like sacrificing life for country - not that that's bad ... but maybe the courage of martyrdom is actually just fear of bad-will among society or something)

courage is looking inside your own self and accepting your (real) self (the most courageous thing of all i guess)

courage is like fighting the tornado when all you have is a stick ... (although it might be the stupidity)

found this quote on http://www.quotegarden.com/conformity.html which i read after writhing the 'know thyself' below while searching for a completely different quote :) :

"Common experience shows how much rarer is moral courage than physical bravery. A thousand men will march to the mouth of the cannon where one man will dare espouse an unpopular cause." ~Clarence Darrow, Resist Not Evil


Know thyself

If you know your own self then, i think, courage will come automatically for doing other things - coz there will be no conflict between 'what should i do -- this means that thing goes wrong and that means the other thing goes wrong' -- it will not be a 'this' or 'that' choice that you weigh and choose (like weighing life and pride) - it will be saying 'no' when you know something is against what you essentially are ... even when that thing is God himself ... (replace god by any other superpowerful or fearful thing that makes this more effective)

But there's plenty of courage required just to accept yourself :

Your shortcomings obviously
but much more than that what 'you can do' coz you will be afraid of doing that ... coz ... you are used to the way you are living now ... how will you live otherwise .... how will you manage doing this and that ... how will you be acceptable to the society ...
and there will always be the lucrative option of 'compromise', which generally is nothing more than a sort of surrender from your part

Real compromise is accepting hardships to 'be yourself' not sacrificing the alive/humun part to 'ease' your path ...

(wanted to write more ... therefore did not post it the same day (sunday) ... but i think that should not be the way (or no more than one day delay :) ) will write next on 'courage and narcissism' i guess :) and 'the tragedies of life'

Money, philosopher's stone and homunculus

Money is power and the way the economic world system is today it's power is inherently based on exploitation ... or in other words - on the grief of millions of people of the planet ... fma's philosopher's stone has same thing ... a very powerful thing ... that violates law of equivalent trade (like money :) ) ... and get's it's power from the grief of people (alteast in fma1) ((for creation of philosopher's stone ... many cities are destroyed for live humans form the main ingridient of philosopher's stone) ...

in fma2, homunculus (soul-less being with physical composition same as humans) can be 'made' by injecting a live human with some philosopher's stone ... general response as in the anime is that the human will not be able to bear the changes that the philosopher's stone brings about in the body and dies... but once in a while a human will survive ... and he will have great power .... (in the anime the first time the story is told by Wrath, a homunculus thus made, and who's the head of the country :) )

homunculus are described as soul-less and the philosopher's stone is their core ... now replace philosopher's stone by money and what do you get ... modern man :)

devoting yourself to money makes you a lot lot lot more powerful but takes away your soul ....

"The less you are, the less you express your life, the more you have, the greater is your alienated life and the greater is the saving of your alienated being." -- KARL MARX

but those who have money make the whole world go round (like wrath in the anime) -- very powerful beings ...

I feel like someone who's about to be injected with the philosopher's stone ... coz i am not able to see a visible way to 'live' life ... and might soon take on the visible 'traditional' paths (mba/ms/phd) (most likey mba .. if i am to boldly take in the philosopher's stone :) ) ... it's a tragedy of today's world that people have to work so much just to be fed (below poverty line); those who have enuf are powerless if they try to find their identies outside of their 'work'; it's a world in which you are either exploited or exploit or both ..... and to exploit ... either you take in the philosopher's stone ... or are naive enough or prevent your thoughsts from recognising the exploitive nature (directly or indirectly) of your 'work' (as is clear in the simple 'innocent' phrase -- 'i am just doing my job')

Money : the true fiction

take a 500 rs note in ur hand (or any other note for that matter) and think what gives this piece of paper it's value ... does the government ... no ...

1. you can take this note; give it to a shopkeeper in exchange for 'goods' -- why will the shopkeeper do so ?? -- coz he can again do the same ...

2. If you sell some thing for 500 and i sell same for 400 someone with knowledge of both will prefer 400 one ... this keeps value of money in regulation (kinda)

will elaborate on the 'keeping in regulation' part later

but it's clear that money has value coz people BELIEVE in it


Money as the new religion

If tommorrow all people on this planet were to think of the cash as pieces of paper (which they are) and the money in their accounts as electronic bits (again they are :)) THERE WOULD BE NO VALUE FOR MONEY ... so this is a system of FAITH

Money is the new GOD; it is omnipotent at least :), it exists only because people believe in it and it provides as an object of DEVOTION (people spend their entire lives building their careers, houses and capital)


Money as power

This people's faith is the VALUE of money and this value is it's power : you can give out pieces of paper or transfer bits and you get a car using fossil fuels to pollute the planet just so that you can feel proud to own a car (and you can justify it by saying it's used for travelling distances); you can get food preparations of the seven continents ; you can enjoy art music opera; you can buy a gun and shoot people


Money's power as refuge

Today a man doesn't have much in control. He HAS TO go to school. He HAS TO take employment in some form or the other under some mega machine (corporation/business) (small businesses, if they survive, still follow market laws more than one's own life/lifestyle - which btw has reduced to 'making profits'). He HAS TO be ambitious and try to be successful.

Man has lost so much control over his life that he has become passive :

-> His work is something that happens to him (although he is apparently doing it) -- may be more clear wud be if i said -- his job is something he GETS -- he pleases his boss - becomes 'creative', 'hard working' bla bla ... ... the only relationship to his work is money (well u can argue about 'enjoying' your work - well so can a prostitute ... a different wording of this point wud be ... well are all prostitutes (well most of us) although non-sexual -- and that reminds me - if sex wasn't supposed to be 'bad' or guilt-arousing maybe this comparison wud be easily digestible and u wud see people as prostitues :) :)

-> he 'falls' in love (like being struck by a lightning -- you have like no control over it )

-> he 'has fun' -- watching tv, drinking booze, drugs, sex, even travel is supposed to 'provide' you with the neccessary 'entertainment' or 'differentness' ('having fun' provides justification for work which with time becomes obsessional work)

-> etc. :)

Having money provides with a sense of power (and having a family too) which helps, together with 'having fun', in repressing the powerlessness one feels - so much so to be totally unaware of it.

Man today is a slave of his own wants (which he calls needs), wants which exist solely in (desparte) attempt to please him and repress his state of powerlessness
and

"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Money's value

Let's suppose everyone has some money that they have and it's neither created nor distroyed ... only 'circulated' -- the cost of things wud be 'simple' demand and supply based and assuming non-varying demand and supply, no change in cost -- and not a very 'growing' society; but self-sufficient and also happy (actually not very unhappy :) ) assuming everyone started with almost same amount ...

Now suppose that a very rich guy now has an extra 1000 rs outa thin air; where does that get it's value ; assuming 'fixed' value pool; it derives it's value from that so let's say M money has value V so (M + magic 1000) also has value V so the value of money associated with M decreases (the rich become more rich) - but V can also increase proportionally provided people do more work :)

So what's happening ... is there magic money ?? ... YES ... loans ... that money is created outa thin air ... and both things happen ... decrease in value of 1k rupis (inflation) and people working more and more ... omg ... there's the problem of socitey hunh ? ...

"Give me control of a nation's money and I care not who makes the laws." -- (Mayer Amschel Rothschild ??)

and if this is not enuf there always interest to repaid for loans .... interest for money created outa thin air ... kool ... let the poor work their ass off just to earn living and the rich get interest on their money .... and best of all earning interst thru mutual funds, real estates and all ... one doesn't even notice the inherent exploitation of the poor (poor just here invokes pity :), everyone is exploited ... even the rich .. coz as i said ... the power of money just represses ... )

Ok, so much for the new GOD; i must now become an atheist sufi :) .... (want to put some rumi's poetry in but don't think anything with money/poverty)

“Poverty is my pride.”

- Prophet Muhammad

whatever

this post i am forcing myself into writing coz actually i am felling really sleepy right now and should infact sleap and not write but here i am ...

today yahoo hr told tht i DID have a choice -- so now planning for my acco again :) -- mostly with vivek -- let's see -- the flight's in night so it's a bit risky :)

boredom is a topic that i have been googling lately -- "whay are we bored?" and thought i haven't read things completely i feel that boredom is a symptom not a disease -- and i guess i suffer from existential boredom -- the feeling of unfullfillness from on'es life ...

dissatisfaction is the feling ii am tlking about -- say someone who wants x in his life gets y -- what's the point -- no matter how good y might be for someone who wants somthing like that -- i made a really boring stmt today -- what good is / are spring roll(s) if all you want is to quench your thirst -- fate doesn't give the ease of doing something with the want of it to all .... the question again come back to what i want to do with my life ... i can kill my self ... or i can work with yahoo or like for the rest of my life ... or i can try to go for a filed phd math ... or in comp sci where the chances of getting would be good and i might have a reputation and it might help if i work for a few years but is any of this what i want ... people today live in small spaces with the environment super-polluted -- go to cubicles to work -- enjoy long traffic jams in between -- spend the money on something totally meaningless -- while retaining the still primitive form where all they want is some love and adventure and peace and satisfaction -- but mayve most of them never realize -- i remember a chapter form my hinidi book about angoolimal rakshas who killed people and cut thier fingers and kept them ... one day when buddha passed he said 'stop' buddha said --' i have stopped, when will you' -- i have the same feeling -- most pole in life are just running -- they want to become a good son/daughter/wife/manager/succesful person/athelete or something -- or are just used to something (i am thinking about selena's mother in gossip girl -- about her likes who live like that -- why do they ???????)

why i am able to live the way i am even that maybe i will never understand -- why do i continue to live like this when i hate it so much ??? -- btw lately i have been thinking about the moment of death and makes me realize that we are just 'going on' doing something unnessary -- like someone who's lying on his bed and just streching or something ... people marry, work, have fun, become sad , want a lot and do nothing for it, i hate it ..... so much -- people live for what -- they don't live for anything -- even many who think that they do ... they go on just like i am going on ... a simple sotory of a rock falling don the strem --

an analogy just stuck me throught that rock falling down the hill -- life is like sky diving -- till adulthood is the time when we fall to atttain critical verlocity .. we increase our speeds throughout ... but in adulthoood we stop -- it seems so weird that i feel that (although i don't remember much in my chidhood) -- as a child a year was long - alot packed into just one year -- i een rememver when writing dates in classroom that the first number changes always - the second after a long period but the third doesn't change at all -- i thought what's the need of the third one ?? - why don't we just eliminate it -- infaCT childhood years do pack a lot -- iamgine the safar from class one to five and compare it with the four years of college -- the four years were changing but i guess i can say safely that more development took in the former -- why -- why are humans content as adults and don't wanna change -- adults seem so ok, satified with their position and thinking and all -- it's so weird -- i don't want to enter adulthood -- amy i ever experience new things in life and never become accustomed to the 'going on' kind of life -- frustation mine is showing up hunh ? :) ?

was just taping the on button of my ac as ther's something wrong with it -- ' there's something wrong with it' -- such an easy thing to say -- but whtats wrong - sometimes we know sometimes we donm't -- and when we don't it's not neccssarily easy to find out -- do i know what's wrong with me that something 's wrong with my life or just what's wrong with my life ?? 

what's wrong with me is that i have never been outside of the flow of luck -- wherever life takes me i go -- doing the easy(as in one of my prev posts) -- it's like asking a civilian to take a gun and start fighting the enemy -- so what's wrong with me is that i haven't tried different things -- especially those that are difficult and the most meaningful (and what are they ???!) -- basically this is what is courage ... i need courage -- to face my life -- if i don't know what's wrong maybe i need to find out -- i can go in x direction just to find out it's the wrong way -- but i hvae to do something -- so .. if you don't know what do do -- don't do nothing

so what's wrong with my life -- everything -- first i am wrong -- i don't do what i want to do -- what do i want to do ?? -- and then the life that fate's offering me is simply monotonous and boring :) -- boring word again :)

hmmm.. ok step by step -- what do i want -- right now to sleep :) but .... i want clean environment - caring people - no one running unnessarily - rivers - grass - fresh mornings (contrasted to the ones i am used to - sleeping late till afternoon of getting the alarm to wake me up) - love - ek umang dil mein - kur karne ka jab man kare -- (a phd in switzerland?) - but is it possible -- people sacrifice their dreams for things that are more 'practical' (from scientific american page) like the woman in that article who wanted to be a biologist and the man who took religion giving up astronmy- what he likked -- it's maybe what i am going to do .. goingon with what life has to ofer me might be more 'solid' and .. whatever .. but this continous boredom will rip me apart -- will disengage my 'wonder' mode of looking at things in this universe -- what meaning will then crime be or (some word sarts with pro i guess and means someone who helps people or daonates whatever...) -- wht's the difference then -- why would i be for or against something -- why would i then be happy to have something and lose to be unhappy or whatever -- i would just be a living gropup on unconcerenced atoms who just don't care -- idon't give a damn -- crushing my spirit (in my prev post) is what's going to happen if i let my fate decide for my life -- it's said that for the bd to win all that's is needed is for the good to do nothing -- just like that -- for me to be ripped apart and live a dead person (zinda lash from blood stained intrigue :) ) all that's need is for me to do nothing -- 'but coperate with fate ' :) (from prev post :) )

but i have to live in this reality and unless i want to die there is no way around the 'certainities or practicalities' of life - so i have to find a way with them -- people everyday o all sorts of research wrok for their job or studies - they might not be so interested but they do put a hell lot of effort in them -- so why can't i -- why can't i first of all know my oppurtunities ?? -- my options - even if i coperate with life i still will have to put hell lots of effort (which would then be meaning nothing) -- but now the ersults mean a lot to me -- and i can overcome the laziness if i keep the results in my mind -- my freedom -- ok now i am going to listen to hte starting song of fma2 -0- ultimate :)

a wonderful starting (and ending song) -- in fact a wonderful series -- thoug h i might have to watch fma1 again ..i love this seris -- especially the touching moments -- this is the series that made me cry for the first time ever watching something that was multimedia .. ok anyways back to the point -- my thoughts of the dying moment 

all that i do now is the most meaningfull thing that my life contains even though it's utterly meaning less coz you won't be diong something when u can do something beter (provided it's equally easy (nice word) to do those things) -- so this is the height of my life -- the profoundness in it's absolute nakedity (new wrod?) -- i am nothing -- just a waliking blind machine that does doing something .. yet another person who's surrendered under his/her fate without signs of resistance or struggle -- 'strugg'e' -- something you do when you have hope whose sideeffects i guess i taked about in the last post ... -- why should i fight -- coz there is a chance to succed and even if not i won't know if i don't ry -- well to try or not -- to hope and struggle or make do most with the useless things fate's given me -- i first have to do my research -- find out who the enemy is and wht weaponry i have and what it has -- how much will it cooperate aned all -- i can't just still sit (sit still sorry) and do nothing .. 

now i shall sleep - to wake another day into what might seem like the same universe -- good night (ywawning virtualy)

hope

When you are in some trouble with no apparent way out, you can still have hope -- the wonderful thing -- bt it can also be the source of suffering when you really don't have to ....

A simple example would be someone on the death bed with a very painful deisease and liveing through machines in 'hpe'' of becoming good again -- but he has just prolonged his suffering ...

considering hope as good is because we have been 'trained' to do so by the society we live in ... and also because it gives us hope -- :) -- purely cyclic :) -- what's hope ?? -- it's something we want , to happen mostly iguess, that is along the lines of what we want -- it's what's said to be 'somehing to hold on to when you see no way out' -- and hence a good thing -- well we will take this aspect first -- hope is good becoz it holds us together when we have no visile way out ....

a will to live might be a very big factor in deciding weather a patient on death-bed will live or die -- so hope helps him -- well but it could prolong his suffering too -- and is life worth it anyway -- the point is that the other person has 'given up' -- maybe even feels depressed ....

'giving up' -- can't it be good in those places where hoping would bring bad results -- when you have only a certain desires in you life and those seem not to be going to fullfilled -- you 'need' to hold on to hope -- it's an escape

giving up hope can also be good when you should stop relying on fate/chance to make somthing happen and do something on your own -- something concrete -- not saying to yourself that maybe someday something will happen good -- but doing something -- howsoever meagrely in the direction of your good ... this , i guess , is what i need to do ...

hope is good -- because it keeps your spirit alive -- the passion to do something -- your love for something -- (spirit here doesn't refer to soul btw) -- giving up though can be a practical move -- but i hope(:)) it can be done without crushing the spirit -- it's goood when it helps you to take your own actions -- probably even descructive so thta either you get what you want or you are destroyed -- actually that's a good option -- a bad option would be when you either succed or don't fail -- just be miserable in the other option -- you have given up -- no hope lift -- you either chane what you want -- or live with the fact that you won't get what you want -- wel here i fell the spirit gets crushed -- one would become indifferrent to life ....

i was going through my earlier blogs today -- i read them as though am reading somethign in some book -- i don't really recall that easily the emotions/thoughts/mood i had while writing them ... -- but in this poem --'maybe'-- i loved my own line that sayed that life is a toy and should be played with -- hope is what holds you together when you want to win -- coz you take life too seriously -- you get only one life -- this is all the time you have -- well that's not false -- and is entirely profound but -- what stops you from diluting the seriousness of life so hat you can enjoy it more thoroughly -- if you look at it as a game then even if you don't win -- you can still fool around -- :) -- well that brings me back to the question what do i want in life -- i certainly don't want phd/ms/jpb/managemnt even if i compare it to 'wining' in life --i want enoyment -- isn't it -- then enjoyment is winning -- then i should enjoy -- i win then -- hmmm.... interesting -- gives me some hopes -- maybe i was wrong in attaaching enjoyment to only a few things that were visible -- those were good (i don't really know though howmuch) -- the fact that i can enjoy just by fooling off in/with life is amazing -- it says that i can enjoy without really having those things -- but still -- jerking off would only give as much fun -- knowing that i counldn't get 100 percent -- i am making do with 45.6 -- but there's the point --i don't want hapiness or anything -- i wan't to enjoy -- live fully (btw here enjoy would even mean crying coz that's living -- enjoy doesn't imply here a cheerful mood but a fullfilled one :) )

so now i take back the topic of giving up -- a lone fish in an empty aquaruim (with just water an dfish in it) cannot do much -- it's her fate -- so does the conditions of a man imply on the possibilities that his/her life has to present... - hoping here is the optimistic view that there might exist some possibility -- giving up is the opposite -- maybe better though ??? -- u cud try doing something before giving up on it completely -- maybe you shoudn't hope unrealistically -- counting on fate -- fate might help , it might not -- but you certainnly can 'try' -- obviously if fate doen't permit even then -- not your fault -- but 'try' -- that's all you can do -- gita says something like this or is said to say so (do your work, the results/fruit is not in your hands)

Here comes again the division in lif3e of what you can control and what you can't -- hope is good for keeping your spirit together by controllling your mind in to beleiving that the non-controable thins might aid in your procurement of your wishes -- but hope without efort is not really meaningful -- wspecially if it doesn't come true with time -- you need to control your controllable parts to make the uncontrooled do that you want (obviously you can only try -- and you need to even if it destroys your 99% hope :) --ie other 'possible' chances of your success by luck)

coming back -- being realistic -- logical -- speculative -- thinker -- giving up on expectation of your hopes being fullfilled isn't bad at all -- you give up your fears of not having things without giving up the hopes . "hope' in the above sentence seems sysnonymous with 'desire' -- though hope kinda indicates some 'miraculous' expectation that might aid in acheving the desire ... how about giving up you expectations but not your desire -- still hoping without relying on the uncontrollable -- allowing fate to make a move when seems fit and intervening when i t doeswn't -- afterall we can only try -- and that should be a source on new hope and is more trustworthy than hoping for a miracle -- hoping then seems like a medicine which helps you endure pain (like morphine ?) but could be bad for you if taken in excessive amounts -- hope then is a coin with two sides -- good and bad -- the bad seeming to be never discussed in literature -- the phrase 'hope for the best' seems reuplsive to me now and now i still 'hope for the best' ... (the difference is like saying 'mera bharat mahan' just coz you are born here and latter being looking at the achivements and the cultures etc. and 'then' saying 'mera bharat mahan') ...

---- The end ..........

30 april -- the day b4 my last bits compre
this sem was ok -- academically, i didn't meet my expectations -- tripwise, i went for none :( 

but anyways a lot has changed since my last blog -- the question of weather i want to go for hier studies or do a job has changed to what i wanna do with my life -- coz both of them are boring - and most importantly - one dimensional. 

I don't want my life to have only a few (significant) dimensions. (Well btw does job count as a dimension ?? or just a time kill ?? ) So what;s the plan ?? -- none -- go where ever life takes you ... well that's a bad thing -- what if i get caught in the flow of life to never recover -- too much momentum can be harmful ...

Easy (defn.) -- when you are in a car that's taking you to some place, going to that place is easy, coz all you have to do is stay back ... if your life takes you to some place and all you have to do is 'co-operate', it's easy.

And that's what I have been doing lately -- the easy ... 

Complex (defn.) -- something with many factors with lot of ununderstood/uncontrolled/difficult-to-control relations between them
Simple (defn.) - few factors with straigh-forward relations between them

(it seems that simple and complex have to do with the abilities of the mind, but the point 'ununderstood/uncontrolled/difficult-to-control' vs 'straigh-forward' seems to cut throught that, but ... whatever ...)

anways i found this while trying to google while typng the above : http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/11027/self_improvement_and_motivation/whats_simple.html

anyways coming back to the point -- easy is complex -- life (generally) wraps you around in knots ... there's enought convolution and your life is destroyed :) ... (exaggeration feels good :) )

simple is difficult -- but simple ... 
it's like a program you write and then find a 'simple' one somewhere -- it's so simple that it's beautiful -- though the more used word is elegant, though it involves more factors

found one more link ( http://phatchicks.indiatimes.com/The-Chicks/Sakhi/My-Recommendations/Whats-simple-yet-profound/articleshow/2431244.cms ) with these wonderful lines :

When I woke to the story of life 
It was already the middle of the tale, 
I know nothing of the beginning 
I’ll know nothing of the end.
  -- Urdu poet Shaad Azimabadi

you don't know what to do, but what you want might just be simple like a simple elegant program, but if you let your life go on it becomes complex -- again, getting convoluted is the default, being simple is intelligent, difficult, beautiful

being simple also involves being true to yourself, which contibutes to it's difficulty, but 'being false' to yourself is a repelling thot ... 

well i don't know what else to write ... so i shall stop here, coz it's the easy thing to do :)

liberty and security

feb 24 2009 11:40 pm

last sem in college
2 more months to go
then what ???

fact 1 : life goes on (no matter what)
fact 2 : it ends (death ...)

basically : while(!deathtime) { life goes on ; }

fact 1 has different forms :
-- time cures all wounds 
-- you get used to 
-- you will adjust
-- kutch nahi, bhagwaan sab sahi kar dega
-- ye to hota rehta hai
-- sab chalta hai 
(last 4 are not good/exact alternatives butjust wanted to put them)

basically focussing here on the first two (i feel they are the same -- not what they directly say but what they essentially mean -- life goes on)

ok first thing i hate the above loop : so i just have to put a break statement there -- i have to do something whose effect is enough to not get used to -- at least not before a while -- but without drowning me into a sequence of events that i wouldn't want

so here comes the main question : what do i want ?

ok, as usual what i don't want : a monotonous life..., a life that i am dragging along
what do i want : really i am blank on this -- i don't think i really need much if the above point be satisfied

ok now my options : 
a job -- job -- job -- job -- death
any thing else

do i have an option here -- now two things :
1. kal kare so aaj kar
2. be lazy and decide later

so what's in "any thing else" : (hmmmmmmm......)

well that depend what i want in that category : so -- what do i want ?

back to square 1

first one thing -- happiness seems to be relative so there might not be an answer to that question that can permanenetly make me happpy but still there should be some kind of answer :
right now i am thinking for what i wanna do and am trying to see if i have interest for hier studies -- last sem i was just cursing my life -- last year (3rd) i was trying to study so that i make some grade atleast in my cdcs -- first 2 coll years i did not study coz that what i felt like
so, i have been doing something to make myself something -- if i don't go for a job and instead for hier studies (1 year later ofcourse) won't i still be trying to make myself something -- what after that -- why even that -- why do i want to DO something -- why should i always have a short-term/long-term goal -- why do i want to cut my life into pieces -- work, study for gre, study, try to do good even if it doesn't come naturally to you, try hard b4 quitting (if ever) -- what then -- what after all this -- then do i find myself another amusement to strangle myself with -- another busykeeper -- shud i think of living then -- why not now ????

'why not now' is simple -- coz i don't know -- i have no clue as to what i want to do in life -- and "going on with life" is just a simple thing to do -- it's what happens when i don't do anything -- while sleeping , eating, anything -- life goes on ....

do i want to be like this throughout my life ?? here, do i want a goal ?? -- that's exactly what i don't want -- i don't want to tie myself, my life to the completion of one task (or one after another) -- when do i live in all that ? the point is do i want to be clueless about my life and just go on :
so here are the keywords -- aim and clueless :
aim -- putting efforts and expectations into something
clueless -- blank (a state of mind)

what aim is good ?? can an aim be good ?? isn't "trying to be not clueless" a good aim ?

well am too sleepy now to continue -- off to sleep (1 am (night ;) )