HAA......

i don't know why but i just felt like i wanted to write something in my blog -- can't control it -- am feeling like something wanting to exdplde in me and all i can doo is stay on this table and write this --- i feel lkike i feel like -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I , I , I just want to crack open sand explode into pieces so that ther's nothing left in me -- I , I just a mtired of living this life .... I can't take it anymore --- even for a day i guess -- I feel like trappped in my own story that I am enacting that was 'bestowed' upon me byt the world -- i just want to rip it apart --- i just want to explode and get away from the situation I am in -- I don't know wehre my life is heading but the 'optimist' in me says that my life will find a direction 'eventually' and i just want to say to him -- ' CUT THE CRAP'- ok ?? i am going into a dark pit which might not be just dark because I don't know what's inside there but because it's inherently dark --- i am on the most crucial mooments of my life and all i do is lie around doing nothing and comeing to this bloody office adn do nothing hoping to do some 'work' someday -- i can't stabilize my hands even on this keyboard --- i just want to break it ok ?>? --- maybe i am sad because i have nothing to do -- but maybe the reason i am that sad is because wehn i see tha i have notihng dto do -- I have nothing to do -- I AM NOTHING -- i have never been --- just a machine whoresponds to 'circumstances' --- ok whatever --- this life is over now --- i have to get a new one -- coz this one's going to rot --- and i can't stand to live in a rotten one --- ALL I WANT ALL I WANT AALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE ---


I want to ask myself one question though -- just one --- will i be able to 'do' this --- will i succed --- well i guess failure is a lot better option than giving up --- it's like 'shaheed hona' --- 'sarfaroshi' ki tamanna ab hamare dil mein hai -- i dont' know the exact meaning of the term 'sarfaroshi' so basically i replace it with 'kutch karne ki ab' -- well didn't want to mentiion the second line as i dont' have enemies whom i want to crush or something (well to see now -- who are my enemies --- the world ?? -- i guess no, - it's only a challenge -- it's something that will make me enjoy the journey even if I emerge a failure --- well my real enemy is, I guess, my Laziness -- and maybe also my lack of knowledge -- but mostly my Laziness only --- for my lack of knowledge can only lead me to failure -- but Laziness can lead me to crush my own spirit -- become the most disgusting thing in the world -- something that will be just so disgusting that it will eventually devour and digest the whole Universe and nothing will be left not even the disgust --- so that 'something' can be free again --- basically that feeling is letting it's 0.000000000000001 % of it's (infinitesimal)square part and make me so .. yaaaaaaaaa ... basically i am not just giong to terminate this coz i have to leave the office premises now and basically beacus i don't have much to contiue with and must get rid of this weird felling now .... okay ???

Maybe it's all just neurological --- i think i need to refine it -- os wish me best of luck mbaby .....

asta lavista :) (whatever that means :) )

The lost thoughts...

Let me llok at the thoughts I have been having from the last two three months or more -- mba/gre/job fight, what do I want?, what to download next ? -- what my life has for me ahead... would I be happy in a situation like this or that ??? -- and most of the thoughts didn't end in a good or happy ending -- mostly like these thoughts hav ebecome something that I feel like I have wasted my time with -- I have wasted my entire life and so am I going to do with the rest of my life ... -- no job/ms/mba will change my life -- if something like that happens - that will be my luck -- i can have a mast life in mba and a useless one in ms in algorithms and a boring one in job (:)) -- --- what can change my life (btw why do I want to change my life ?0 -- I just want to chage myslef -- I am expecting something from my life -- I am given a choice out of alpha beta and gamma -- and luck has the powetrto push me any side -- I am not saying that this is not important -- just that it is not so importatn that I make it the largest part of my life ... -- change yourself -- become who you ARE -- that's enough -- fell the pain of not having what you want -- feel the frustration -- feel the heat -- feel the adventure of doing something you never thought you could have done before -- be a kid -- you always are -- what do you want -- more money -- most certainly not -- better be heidi in the mountains than some sick lonely bastard who takes bath in money everyday -- simplicity is something that soothes our brain -- showness is something that seems to attract us -- part of jealousy / envy -- what he has why don't I -- just that felling you don't really want all that -- I don't want a big house / a big /car / having dinners in 5 stars -- so why am I looking for a job with a lot of money ?? - what am I going to do with all the money -- maybe a job where I fell good and not rich -- a place where I can be myself -- (not city?) -- I am a machine -- and htis machine is currently enjoyihng the songs -- aaina bata kaise -- arre bhai I am using the hyphens very frequently amn't I -- I shuold probably try controlling my urge to use them -- human is juat a machine who feels happy with the things he /she feels happy with -- and given them is happy -- am just saying coz ye song bada hi achcha lag raha hai -- infaact kaffi songs achche lage hain ... -- can't write wehn the lyrics are on in songs :) ,,, 

ok where was I -- hmm.. ye typing sudharni hai be -- ya changing myself -- not changing coz I am what I am -- I am not changing my nature but what I do -- my actions -- I have to BECOME what I AM (on the inside ?) -- ok -- antoher good song -- maybe ... -- changing -- --respect yourself -- and be yourself -- and respect yoour parents -and NATURE -- everything --- be disperasd in the wind like the seeds/ pollen grains -- and each the limit where you become the eind yourself ... be the way of teh world -- whatever am I saying man .. I don't think I will be able to write words properly after some thime ok ? ok no w this wind has become headached and feels likefor respecting the body it should sleep but maybe oing out for a while will suffice too , but maybe a good soothing song will also do more than good ... dkeho inhe ye hain os ki boonde patton ki .......... ok m too involved in the songs right now so i don't think i will continue this right now ok ?

Ok, let's start with today's events -- i had been planning that i would participate in goodle code jam for quite some time now -- since last semester -- i had loooked for it but the site was still in progress - i thought i would get informed in my tocoder mailbox -- but apparently that never hapenned ... I got to know today that the registration was over -- it started at 17 june and continued till 17 july and after :( -- so am a bit sad -- but not much -- maybe because the mausam (weather) this morning made me feel good ... but am thinking that what a lazy ass I have been -- even in my fourth year I am unable to take part in the code jam and win something :( -- haven't learned driving -- don't know where I want to land up in life -- I seriously don't know why I am so reluctant to do what I want to do or find out what is fitting for me -- cowardice is not for this short life (and if you make the wrong decisions it will seem like an endless life -- so life's not long or short -- but it's too dumb to make wrong decision or not follow what you dream of, what you want ...). I need to break out and do the things I want to d o -- I don't know how many tiomes I have written this in my previous blogs and still haven't started about it ... I I I want to trek, see beautiful placs, maybe do research but without anyone telling me what to do -- so ms is the only option -- but what does ms have to offer me -- living in the us (or some other place) -- seeing beautiful girls :) (just seeing :( ) -- maybe that's a challenge -- but what after that ???

About adventures -- I wrote in some previous blo i guess that todya i will go find a adventure here only (i guess it was the last blog ...) -- anyways all I can think of now is to follow what's adventurous -- coz everything else seems so dull -- so what to do now -- monotonous life ko no bolne ka hai -- ye subha uthna office aana bore hona gtlak karna dload karna and all that -- and then vaapas jaake indira darshini pe dinner khana -- too boring -- and why is it boring -- coz it's monotonous -- while trekking or something if you eat in some cheap south-indian restaurant you would feel ike a nomad or something that's cool -- btw i saw an episode of man vs wild yeasternight and i liked it (obvioously duh. ) and I don't know -- why is my life going some way where I have to choose between bored and boerd to hell...

What can I do adventourous in a daily life ... I don't know -- ok let's see -- adventure is like a tmprary stage -- like a bubble -- like life itself (?) --DARE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE -- actually i was planning to make a list everyday or someting of what to do adventourous like type blindly without mistakes ?? or type all my codes with the monitor off ?? and take gre this sem itslef and so on ... but planning takaes the fun out of adventurous .. seriosly .. 

What is adventure --- going to a park - adventure park- like the one vimanyu went -- where your adrenalin pumps up on every ride or your heart beats make you stop even before you attempt a ride -- how is it advengturous -- it doesn't involve risk-- does it have to -- those tings are exciting -- chemically it's adrenalin or something -- but it might come in the category of adventure -- trekking ?? -- risks but not that exciting but relally beautiful scenaries -- contentionsatisfa ction of the heart for the sight seeing and the risky work done to achieve that -- walking ion a short rougt and seeing the beauty -- really cool -- how abuout tjust sight seeing -- well if the climate is good and all -it's cool -- but i guess teh really cool places are where you need to take some risk to get there -- the risk maybve or surely activates soem chemical activity inside of us that makes that trip a lot more exciting -- nothing that the plain sight-seeing can compare itslef to -- is advewnture all about the chemicals that make an impact on our mind's judgement ???

Is adventure something that we mentally/spiritually require to get out of the monotonous schedule the world imposes on us (or is commonway -- we need effort to mkae things otherwise) -- is it that if our life would not have been monotonous the advwentures would not be so sadventourous -- is trekking the same for a person who's lived in the mountains all his life -- did my old guide in bhrigu lake really enjoyu -- or does he everytime he comes there -- well ya sure he does go take bath in the freezing bhrigu lake everytime he goes there and deems places like these holy and all but is the same thing/excitement/enthusiasm/chemical-axcitement in him as is tehere inside of us ??? And the big question -- could life be not monotonous (commonly/individually) ?? More (or most) importantly -- Can I make my life non-monotonous (seriously speaking writhing the word monotonous is monotonous -- every alternate letter is O :) ) and by non-monotonous i do not mean just regular or something -- if I get to do some paper-work today -- some accoutning 2moro and so on -- maybe not regular -- but i would still count it monotonous -- like writing the word monotonous makes me feel -- I can go to beautiful places a lot many tiems and still feel good -- it's not mono... although it's regular ,,, . A regular life can be aas nwe as everday but a life can also be new everday on the surface but mon o.,.. on the inside --- breaking out of yourself -- being free -like zhang ziyi (was rhyming) -- just like they say -- Ramayan feels new everytim you read it -- even if you read teh same thing -- new interpretations ??? just feel fresh(er) ??? Don't know .. Let's take this human body for exxample it's old (well newer cells eertime but ...) but stills some days after taking a bath or something -- it feels so fresh that you fell like conquering the world ... Is adventure freshening of our soul (or some mental form ) ??? Or is it just some chemical action that gives a hit to the mind ... ?????? 

Even if it is some chemical action -- what does it really mean -- some substances flow in out body affecting the working of our mind bla bla bla ... -- if adventure does freshen us what's the harm in calling it the mental food -- as my sir said -- poori duniya is man ko manae ki lye hi to jeeti hai -- we eat food for living -- but what do we live for ?? adventure (mental food ?) 

Well some views I already have on why people live or what people live for -- no purpose or why is tehre -- it's like a straw in a stream of water -- teh straw turns as the water makes it - it rises - it falls -- it has it's adventoures -- and everything -- we are the same -- why am I sitiing in this office -- coz my insti requuires me to -- why am I thinking about taking gre or thinking aobut ms/phd -- why not about making some change in the world -- coz it's the normal thing -- it's the easy thing --it's meandering of the river -- can we make a change ??? in this meandering -- forget changing the whole world -- can I just make a change to my life -- the whole world is too far a goal -- if I can't make a change in my life how can i do something more -- btw yesterday or sometihing I thoughjt of becoming a professor -- coz it was easy and i could teach thing i like and all (what ideal thoughts) -- but to make the students what -- something good -- why don't I become that something good ??? I have a nice company with me right now -- may be I might get a good job but will i be happy -- or will I be happier in some chootiya thing with adventouruos people doing cool things even when i don't have much money ??? Means -- what is adventuer -- what qualifies as adventure -- ok i lost my original train of thought here -- ya making a change in my own life 

It might just be a nice thing that i am at a tirahaa (3-way :) ) or something -- basically at a more where i have to make imprtant decisions in my life -- coz this is wehre i can decide to be what i want to be (and die in doom :) ) or choose out the the "coommon" things whie lead to the "widely beleived" happy/luxurious life -- why do I have to acdept the wide belief -- I can't -- it peels away my layers of life .... -- I just feel like I want to go roller-coaster on my life -- can't take it anymore -- thinkg about the smae nono... life that will be when I have done the courageous deed of alking away from this decision of my life 

A warrior faces the hardships of life. (originated in my mind by thinkhing aobut the peaceful warrior (movie) )

Ya warrior -- in cthd - in dbz -- do I wanna be a warrior --obviously not fighting against the physical enmies as in dbz ( why not cthd? :) ) -- but fighting in life to be what I want -- and boviouslyu not being lost in this fight itslelf -- coz that's like losing the fight itself -- but arent' there preetty cool chances that my life will win over me -- means what am I ?? -- just a mere straw ... my life will just thrash me on a stone so hard that i won't be able to speak a word again ...-- but i can't take this spritual pressure anymore (or boredom if you say so :) ) -- i feel like the pressure inside of me is giong to mkae me burst into pieces and i need to do somethihng now itslef --- i have wasted a lot of my life trying to do things that i don't wanna do -- idling time away coz i "have to" --i am done with thta -- even while typing thas I fell lke AI want to throw this keyborad at something and say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh......

Coming to my actual interest in study -- academics -- as i said i might just do something worth calling a research but ti doln't want someone on my head -- and i can't imagine my life with ersearch if i am doing my job -- frankilyu i can't imagine my life doing a job for the complete remainnig time in my life --k whatever -- ms might only have a good point of getting me a decently salaried job outside india -- but i will still have ato do atleast a year's job in india -- and those 2 years (or one) will be like energetically (studying req enery) wasting my time -- do I want to do that -- I wish i had some easy choice like zhang ziyi -- or is it that i know my choice but that is not a path -- I will have to pave the way ????????????/

Ok -- abrupt ending -- my mind has stoppped working and needs some rest maybe -- or won't start today itslef :) - so here goes the abrupt ending of today's blog-post.

The battle between GRE and CAT

This is a long lived battle isn't it ? Ok here are my thoughts about it -- present ones -- subject to change, ok?

No CAT this year. Mostly yes for gre but don't know for sure and all ... I just don't want to do a job right now ... I just don't feel like it ... it's like settling down and all ... I am not ready ... but you can't beat your own destiny ... I mean it's not like I am giong to get something even if I take GRE, I will mostly have to do some job only ... And even if I get some nice college and all in gre -- will that make me happy or something ? I doubt it ... So where has my life put me right now ... Ther are three doors out there and are labeled as gre cat and naukri but i wanna know more about them ... it's like i want to see a crystal ball which can show me my future depending upon the door I am goin to pick ... and then let me choose ... But what if the crystal ball shows nothing nice in each of them ... Will I not take any of the doors ??? I really want to escape this question(s) right now but I don't think I hbve that choice ... 
Ok what my mind says right now is that do what you want to do ... pursue your dreams ( do I have any of those academic/job dremas ?? - I doubt it ) and try to make my life happy/better . You can't fight your own destiny ... maybe you make the most dumb choices and have the happiest life ever OR maybe you make , actually take, the most precautious steps in your life and still can't make anything of it ... all I know right now is that I don't wanna just live , I wanna do things ... do something .. I don't know what ... I don't know how ... But I have to give it a try ... Accepting life as it is is not what this human mind is for .... Do something or die trying :) I guess dying trying is a lot more better ooption than accepitng the life as it is -- means it's a lto lot more exciting -- worth it isn't it -- but gre/cat/job don't seem nay exciting at all - forget dying for them or anything ... :)

The main concern right now is that meri zindagi ki gaadi ek tirahe (3-way :) ) pe aake khadi ho gayi hai .. and ek raasta jammu jaata hai ... ek kanyakumari .. and ek forida ( :) ) and i don't know where I wnat to go but I have to mkae achoice soon or else I will be at the mercy of my luck to take me places ... Ok.. same decison till now ... ger ka mna hai kyonki shayad mein india se hi bore ho gaya hoon ... and shaysd if I get some ersearch work in some interesting feld I might like it ( although I don't know if algorithms would be an interesting field -- my interest seeem to be changing throughout my life -- it's likke it's completely dynamie (btw , just before writing the last few words , i cam out of a meeting -- i do'nt remembe how long it was but seemed like eternity .. too boring .. and all ... citrix ... well ...whatever ) -- hmm, wehre was I -- ya dynamic choices -- i think gere helps there tooo, I can have more time to think about my life and all -- so now comes the quesition of when to take gre ... should i apply for the colleges right now only ??? means like in november or something -- or next year ? -- i don't know -- but it surely depends upon my score -- if I don't get a good score mostly I will have to do atleast a year's more job -- will I e able to do that one ?? -- anyways ... seems like i have said enough on what i had in mind about gre and cat and now i would like to write some gen crap and all ...

Life is short -- not worth doing things you don't wanna do (and doesn't that make it fun ? - and if it is fun what am I doing here writing my duckh bhari kahani ? :) ) -- so I think I want to go abroad and all -- I don't thin that life would be any worse ( :) ) if i go study somewhere as compared to doing a job in bangalore (oh sorry bengaluru :) ) -- so up for gre -- hona hi tha -- but i don't think the source of happiness is from here (obviously) -- so why is it that I am not happy right now ??? - I don't know but I think I need to be more of myslef -- oh that soulds amazing and all -- I will be more of myslef -- whatever ...; anywayas youo can't fight destiny (or you can die trying :) ) 

Actually life's not that short and all -- just that how i am picturizing it -- a decision you have to lve with the rest of your life -- tha's too ... aaagh ... if life can be good and all - it's not short --it's long enough -- but doing something that life makes you do and all -- even an eternity isn't logng enough -- os go do something when you have the chance ... 

Let's see what I want to do .. Rains .. mountains .. some maths ? .. adventures of sorts -- hmm.. let's do this thing today -- find out different sort of adventures that can be done here in bangalore only :) -- ido n't know -- but seems like life is for adventures only -- i think i should be able to keep my next google id as adventurer.forever :)
To bye for now folks -- am going to either be bored -- or die trying finding an adventure -- coz finding one seems no plausible -- especially when i don't know where to look for and don't have to energy to shoot aroows in the dark ... be energetic thats the first funda for adventure .. but i am lacking it -- let's see how my day goes and all ... :)

am sitting in front of my computer after having submitted the plcc assignment (using a deadline) and after coding almost the whole time for two days , i feel like am going to get the best sleep today and also feel like ... umm.. actually nothing like it made me more adverse to software job ... maybe subconsciously or maybe just making a clear cut disticntion between work: laborious and work : lovely -- actually the word "work" sounds as if by default itself it's not fun ... whatever ... i don't think this is going to be a long blog and i think am just going to practice my typing somehow and i don't know if i can do much justice to the thing -- hey i just noticed that i always use my left thumb to hit the spacebar button -- i think the left hand is more apt at doing things unconsciously doing things like that whatever that means-- hey i even don't know what i should be thinking and what i should not be thinking and whatever is going over here is not going to make difference in what is not going to happen and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla -- hey bla is more difficult to write than many other things and i don't why but i like the way i write except the fact that i hit the backspace button many more times than i type all the other characters combined -- mathemactically that way you can't write anything coz |hit buttons| < |backspaces| -- got it ?? if not don't worry -- am writing this while i am feeling just to sleepy to do anything and i don't know why i write things that i don't understand and whatever is happening to me i cant' describe i dont' know how to say this but bla bla bla bla bla bla bla -- ya difficult to write and whatever ......

this is the starting of the second paragraph and all i can say i bla bla bla -- hihiihiih
8973870187298=#$@#@#$!@&Y*()&)&*(*+(*()&$@#!@@#~@!%*()()))|+_)+|)+_(_)*(*()&*^&%%^$%@~!~
won i ma gniog ot etirw ni eht etisoppo noitcerrid dna uoy wonk tahw siht si gniog ot eb gnizama dna i evah tog ot wonk taht dna si nettirw sa .............jks dljfkljsdaakjf klsjkld fjklsdjkljasd fjklsdj kfjdskj fklsjdf

should i be writing in leet now .. na .. nay ... no ... nonononon hikli kunja chungi klasdjfkljasdkfjklsdjkljsakl

bye bye for now and see you in hell apollo boy tumy ja ku la ye po re da sum ka red sleezy krite bero kkero nowere nero hero zero toru fodu lodu meeti mitti / / (bye bye ..... bye bye = // got it ????? ) zinda zindabad murda zindagood hi hi hi

here i am at my room ... news... got from home yesterday (sunday) and found my or marks (30), today got assured of no make up in computer networks viva (5%) - don't know if i will get "anything" more than a zero ... , didn't make a aco group (could get a zero in 10% !!!) , got yesterday my || computing and plcc marks also and had my dms exam today and today is also the last day for withdrawing - am yet to decide if to drop || computing or not -- in 2 hours i have to go for the dropping ... also have to do my context analyser (well the parser hasn't been done but i rely on the hope that i would start on the symbol table by today evening .. maybe after collecting plcc papers at 5:15 .. and the part from then onwards seems to scary and i don't think i can do it even in a week let alone a day or one and a half (actually a week seems realistic only after the given actual deadline -- fact stranger than fiction ?!! --- whatever ) but still i am not starting with the assignment coz ... i guess the most important reason is that am fed up of it ... and also did "atleast" one quesiton wrong in the test 2 of dms -- hope of a grade is becoming negligible -- and the third reason is some philosophical kind reason ...

coming to the dms test i thought something -- i thought why i was so @$@$%^^#~ (inexpressible) that i got the alpha^(27-7) wrong which should have been alpha^(26-7) -- and what i thought was --
7 had to be subtracted -- 27 elements are there ((mind has 7-7 match in same (one's) place)) => 27-7
i dont' know if it would have been right if there was some other number than 7 -- i guess i would have subtracted from the same number (ie 27)
second thought ( i kinda imagined a girl going by (in/to her home) giving the dms paper - was happy and when got to know of her "27 error" said "aan" (sad expressing kinda) and was happy again (as if she was unhappy when she said "aan"...)
one more thought -- if this wasn't a paper i would have forgot it -- and i guess i do wrong because i take it too toughly (toughly ?? need to improve my vocablury) and if i would not take it so seriously maybe i could have got a 20 (and even if i did some mistake -- i wouldn't (kinda) care)
one more thing -- this kinda mistake (how much control do we have over them) can do damage (like in this case -- loss of marks) and something of this sort might be in life too -- (fresh thoght just now came) -- maybe it's just luck -- but maybe after giving the paper i want to minimise my doing of these errors -- and am thinking whether doing || computing would be error (such a error or whatever) -- can we minimize such errors -- we can try -- but we can't defeat luck (in context of life -- not marks -- think important (similar to think high or something))

ok things aside ...(btw one more thing - i thought of flipping a coin to resolve the dilemma of || compuitng - if not once (ynot) then best 2 of three or majority in five or something)

ok now all things aside ...
how do i feel ... aha yes chandertal lake .. if we really go there , i think it would be really good ... ((end)) what do i want and will my life take me to the place where i want to go (not place in the physical sense) -- apparently my future life seems bleak and i feel like i want to break out of all this and get a low paying job where my "other life" ie life other than the work can be pretty good (although i am not able to think what the "other life" should be like -- not even in the ideal sense) .... well i should be going to the real world soon but let me write a lot more now in this imaginative world (imagination without visualization ??? ) i am happy to be a child with imagination and would actually like to make them true -- i am unhappy with boring mechanical repetive boring work - which i expect i would be doing in bangalore as ps2 and job as i feel is now the case with plcc assignment -- it is as i just don't unlike that but "hate" that work (and using khalil gibran's quote i should rather be a begger and take alms from the satisfied ones) -- i feel like i could do any other interesting work and i have to take steps in that direction myself -- my life isn't going to do that for me -- i have to that myself -- change the course of the river that is my life) -- also am thinking (just now) what is my life "NOW" afterall - it's nothing and i don't think this is the way that it should be -- i should have something other than "worrying for academics" in my life -- hmm... here in ||computhing we talk about improving qos (quality of service) by multithreading and all but what do we do about the quality of life ??? - i think i want to be a child again and rethink of all those questions that were left unanswered -- "is my perception of things same as yours?" "what i see yellow do you see it as blue (actually "my blue") but were trained to call it yellow (basically is my yellow the same as yours) or even better is the shapes and all that i see same as yours -- or do you "see" in the same sense as i do - do you speak the same language or it just appears to me (and for that matter do you see at all ?) and so on . ... i've heard that children' brain is not hard-wired - it's flexible and more "active" (doln't know if the right word) than an adult's berain - an adlut's brain is -to some extent- hardwired and mroe "passive" so that (or when) he copes with his environment -- i wnat / wish to unwire it all and think freeely not limited by any kind of thing (i just remembered "keep your head wide open" from the bridge of terapethia and am now giong to amrock it ) (leeme listen to it )

ok ending ... (the song is not the blog) ok now what -- i guess i want to be a photographer looking for beautiful places and moments to shoot -- i guess i want to be an adventurer enjoying those places -- but for all that i have to be powerful - powerful not just to lift my life from a living hell but other's not - not just one or two but a lot more -- i don't "want" to be powerfull -- i have to be -- i need to prepare for the war where i will defend my desires , dreams and (dash dash dash) against the super-powerful-monstorous-barbaric-BORING-ruthless-(mass-swallower) army of my prospective future and for being powerful i need to be able to control myself -- i need to be do thing which i want and should do inspite of what laziness wants/tries me to do -- i have to -- so that i be crushed when the army attacks -- and be a loser for the rest of my life -- or if by some miracle -- emerge victorious and move aruound with happiness and my head high as the victor of one of the most important battles of my life -- note that it is the hate of the work that i need to take care of -- and yes there's an easy way out of the war -- surrender to your future - let ur life drag u around -- but i would want to prefer (that is my laziness - i think- could make me take that option) to be crushed of all emothions/desires rather than surrenderr to the @#$@%$-army of the beasts

ok a momen't rest -- and then we shall continue ...

well more than some time passed -- i decided by tosses of coin (coins infact, after the first coin of two showed indian map more than 3 times in my tosses i became suspected , and then again in sumanths -three or more times the map) the fate of || computing - am keeping it and that means that my this semester is going to eat me alive -- one more thing -- i m not giong to surrender to this semester -- be my grade this sem be 6.0 -- infact i think a lot it luck -- u can do a lot of things wrong in ur life and still ... and u might do the best things but still ... well u might say these are lucky cases (lucky here could be bad-lucky or good-lucky) and in "average" (ie most probable) cases u decide ur life -- well i can only say that i don't beleive in probability -- but this doesnt' mean exactly giving up upon things
as a Khalil quote goes :
"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." -- Khalil Gibran
What i am saying is that we can't control the flow of events - our luck - and in that light i see the above statement as saying what seems to us as joy and what as sorrow as decided by us (not neccessarily consciously) long before we experience them .... ok whatever the meanig is - i m not here for that .... the point is || computing taken -- i have 3 ton of workload and obviously not going to talk about that

i am on linux or else i would have written the following in hindi :
" mana tufaan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika " ( a song )

continuning ...
" majdhar mein naiya dole to majhi paar lagaye
majhi jo naav dooboye , use kaun bachaye "

and someone asked speak to us of adventure and he said :
adventure is a food for our soul -- without it the soul doesn't decay/die or anything but is just passive for man is playing his "role" in this universe -- but with it the soul starts singing and man finds a play in him so amazing that %#$#@ and this feel is what is associated with when the word adventure is heard or thought of -- but this feeling if is pure that is straight from the soul - then the adventure is not just physical -- infact it's mostly spiritual -- empowering -- and in the purest from this play has so much strengh that u can feel the play where no physcial or any other kind of adventure is involved -- this play has the strength to change things but generally avoided for man has play his role in the universe but this role play if accompanined by playing can change a life -- and only a few among the billions are able to handle a lifetime of adventure called play ....

whatever --- coming to the "real world" (ie in comparison to the above paragraph) -- bad luck can "destroy" you (whereas good luck can only "provide" you things/facilites/services , so in some sense bad luck is more powerful than good luck) but what your soul should be is an adventure seeker always , even the bleakest of times:

"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."
-- Kahlil Gibran

i don't know y every now and then i keep quoting the same quotes -- i think i know the answer but -- whatever

"Your daily life is your temple and your religion." -- Kahlil Gibran

Ok i guess i will stop here and continue with my "daily ((BORING)) life" -- well i don't think i should think life that -- your thinking affects a lot to your quality of life ( hey i said on improving quality of life and not service - but anyway i don't want to mathematically access/analyze quality of life) and before i finish i want to do/say something great (for i don't think i will do something great after the blog or this semester for that matter) .... hmmm... let's think :
let's go to wikiquote....

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." -- Rene Descartes (unsourced)

i guess i couldn't find one ... disappointment -- whatever , anyways i should be going now for i have to and my work here is done

bye bye

still stuck at the age old question of whether to do a ms or a job (mba is experiencing a bit of downstream) but this blog isn't about that ...

it's about what i want to do ....
let's start .. with the fact that i haven't done anything yet in my life that i want to do and especially these years in bits have gone almost totally wasted ( although i think i have become more clear on my understanding of what i want to do or something like that and what the world is about and something like that ) (btw dooba dooba rehta hoon gaana is going on and am liking it ... ) ok where were we ?? nothing done especially in the last three years at bits... and what i want to do foremost is "do something" .. do something not necessarily meaningful but something .... make something of myself ... and live .. not like a dream everyday .. experience pain if that what my following life has to offer to me ... but to experience life while am alive ... to experience myself and die with the satisfaction (sorry it won't be any satisfaction) to know that i tried my best to make my life better (i will never know that and i wonder if i will do anything towards that direction)

ok done with the living ... what do i want to do when i am alive ... living in the mountains and enjoying it's beauty is one thing ... bunjee jumping, sky diving, paragliding, hiking, camping, river rafting , something(s) related to ice like skating etc... basically many of the adventure sports ... and i am going to do a software job (most probable option atleast at this stage of my life) and i am stuck wtih question life wheather to do a (software) job or ms or mba -- none of which i wanna do ... and what's the use of earning anyway if that can't make you happy ?? but as if i have any more options ??? (well to be honest i don't know what options i have ,, life is just dragging me along and i am not resisting, just being sad at things left behind ... like a job i would like ... )

ok live and adventure -- pretty much everything i wanna do (goal of my life ?? :) , dream for sure ... coz goal is something you do everything for which i pretty much doubt)... ok is there anything else left ??? lets' append live my life with be myself (and enjoy, btw "life" till now contained "do something" and some extra teeny tiny things maybe)... anything more ... wanna be free (like zhang ziyi's character wanted to be in crouching tiger hidden dragon).. do things which i think are beyond my capability, revolts against the established things and die at an early age ....

and all can do now is picture myself doing some stupid time-consuming, pretting much mechanical, boring, frustrating job in bangalore .... aaaaaagh ... life sucks ... or so i have made it to ... i think the first thing i "have to" astonish myself is in this job area .... my life has to start before this astonishment and "with this" astonishment ... or maybe something of the following sort will be true (the disappointment part as ...)

"the man who spends half his life telling people what's he going to do probably spends the later half telling people why he couldn't do it " -- something like this by someone

maybe i can change the later half of the sentence to " spendingg the later half remorsing about his current status of life and that he couldnt' do what he wanted to do ...)

ok anyway .. let's go to the dream world again (and when coming back , be realistic about the fact that miracles don't happen , they have to be made to happen , and that's just too much work for a lazy ass like me...)

ummm. is there anything left in the dream world by the way ?

wow i found a better version of a khalib gibran quote that knew (was searching for a philosophical quote of his to end this entry of my blog with)

"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."

-- Khalil Gibran

i forgot to mention that i had also seen the 70's show just b4 riting the blog and also now, after ahving phoned at home, am watching one more

feeling very frustrated and don't feel like I wanna spend the rest of my life doing what I don't wanna do .. but as if many people have that option
waise finished claymore today and cried the 2nd time in anime (in the last(26th) episode) and in icup - no progress -- none at all
and also seen heidi before going to food king -- had some feeling of sadness (questions and etc.) while seeing it and spilled some horliks (when the glass was not even half full) and wet my pyjama.

(just now ongoing song(winamp) )
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
mana toofan k aage nahi chalta zor kisika
maujon ka dosh nahi hai , ye dosh hai aur kisika
majhdhar mein naiyaa dole to majhi paar lagaye
maajhi jo naav duboe use kaun bachae ?
chingari .. hmm hmm hmm (my fav antra of the song)

i feel like doing something to just .... (don't know what to say) (kinda frustrated ... :( )

i feel like i am angry on my own life ... or maybe -- ya, i think it's myself -- i am angry on myself -- for not being able to move the (my) life to the direction i should have or whatever

being weak is a sin
-- (in some foren movie and claymore)

for doing what i should have , what i could have done , and what i have no idea of now coz i didn't do anything .... i am too angry on myself -- or is it just my frustration that is taking it's toll on me ... i fell restless or maybe just frustrated .... yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

could have put more a's but what's the point and ... la lal la la la .... whatever

Now that I am at my computer screen typing my blog -- I am still confused what my life will be after about a year. The previous blog' question hasn't found any answer yet and there seem no chances that it will soon find them out. And my typing speed is poor as usual ...

Just seen episodes `1,`2 and `3 (12 , 13 and 14 -- typo errors) of Claymore and saw Ophelia gave up her life for something kinda good when she turned into a monster -- well nice episode and before that I had seen an episode of Boy meets World in which the father of Cory Mathews gives up his job because he doesn't like it and then decides to do the same thing just under himself this time -- coz he has to do something anyway but then his wife buys a store where he would be happy and the episode ends.

Well I am also stuck at my Icup score of 21817 which doens't seem to be any good and also no visible chances of it rising and also am planning for a coding event at 730 pm tonight (btw its 339pm). Also was thinking of starting studying as i haven't started yet and also exams start on 30 (btw it's republic day today).

That's pretty much my life -- confusion and nothing substansial -- at the moment the confusion doesn't bother me coz it's not substansial and what bothers me is that there is nothing substansial in my life - or to say it more effectively - there is nothing in my life .. nothing at all. I (currently) am feeling life I want to live. But no idea what to do ... of what ...... ever.

I think that I need to think beyond the ordinary -- event driven life I am leading right now -- academics (studying for tests), music (songs on winamp) and time passing on comp. (serials) can take a hold - something different .... should I google ... I feel not even for googling i should be knowing what I want to google and google cant' tell me that and I have to know that on my own.

Maybe I need to see the question of my future life in context/light of wha'ts more important (or what actually is important) -- but still I don't know what options I have and what could be better -- infact not even the slightest hint on that ...

I feel like wanting to do ms in a mountainous area with a pleasureable climate -- maybe .... well how will the peolple be there ... and why am I daydreaming -- as if it's like a trip and not some ms degree -- maybe it's the climate -- it's too good right now (just that the cold now is just too much for me).

Flying throght the blue sky in the clouds like a dream going by ... ,

ok now i think that i should end my blog as i a mfelling sleepy and i think that i need to go outsiide ... so bye bye ... and hoping to post again soon enough!
 

ok it's 6 o'clock in the morning and cold night of 15Jan in Pilani. my 3rd year 2nd sem is going on (Started) and what I am going to write now is a reproducation of what I was thinking in my razai about fifteen to thirty minutes ago :
( Before that , I would like to say that a reproduction is not the original and hence is not "right" -- might miss something or might not say it the way it should -- not natural -- it's like i have prepared to write this blog :) )

Ok, I am now in a kashmkash about three things : gre, mba and naukri (and recently maybe added to the list is what to do this summer?) The question is which is the least miserable ? Well that depends upon luck -- though i think gre might turn out to be a disaster from the start, and job seems to already be a disaster from a start (unless I get in some good company like google and if it is really really good -- means not just monetarily and similar things - so basically nuakri seems to be a sure shot end of life) -- that's why mba crept in - management is something that I didn't wanna do at all but has come in my mind say about 6-9 monts ago--- and what more it has started taking a prominent position in my thinking process -- why -- simply becauseit might turn out to be something I want to do -- something exciting, creativee and routine work if you are not in the mood (brainy or adventerous) and make a lot of money --- but the problem is that i don't wanna leave the field i started with - id on't wanna take my life to a new "rich" direction of management (I am talking as if I have got available position in some reputed institute in the country -- well anyway that's how i think one should think what he/she wants to do in life.) Well anyway the downsides of cat -- 2 years sureshot(apparently) of sadness, pain and trauma :) and then some years of the routine and too boring job to make it to the top to start enjoying your life --- nah, doesn't seem right at all and that too when i have to sacrifice my line of interest (thought I doubt it exists - but I feel it's atleast a part-time one and i don't wanna leave it :) )

well then why don't I think what I wanna do (atleave what I am not going to (or don't wanna) leave).

Well then that's not going to be a part of the reproduction -- just remembered some part of the reproduction i had decided to do -- here's a quote fro m khalil gibran (as I remember it):
"If you don't like what you do, but hate it, then you better leave your work."

Well now some more quotes from him -- from a web page stored on my computer -- first the same one as the above and then some relevant ones that I seem to have forgotten (not that they weren't in my memory) over about the last 2-3 months (about-about coz i m not sure)

(Well just puttin 3-4 or 2 eps of "boy meet world" on download and something else maybe and then coming back :) )

"If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work."

"I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires."

(only one could be put on download :( )

one more i liked while trying to find the 3rd one :

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."

i think this is the one i have been searching for -- ( well i was going to write "ok, at last" but it didn't feel like the 3rd one -- it's great though and had to look at it again and process it to realize that):

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."

(I had it as my gtalk status message once.)

well just while I am at it - let's look at the other quotes as well (just a quick look kinda thing) and write down some I like at the moment :

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."

(ie for me (at the moment) don't get too invovled with things like the 3-trio thing i am worried about these days -- life's not for them ... )

( my own comment :) : "life's not for them" - great insight, huh! )

"The most pitiful among men is he who turns his dreams into silver and gold."

(If it means what I am understanding -- wow!! )

(mba ko maat dedi -- but mba didn't lose any points as it is against gre and naukri :) )

ok then these things are over and so is my reproduction of the thoughts -- so now something i have to think about now -- i was going to write it as continuaiion to this but then i thought why not a new post and now i thought i should give it atleast a day -- that is when i would be really thought about it -- not just churned the machinery of my brain to spill some words to form a post -- could be more than a day -- no deadlines -- no hurry

bye -- wow - i really talk to myself -- and i hope it
feels nice that way (well actually i don't hope that but kinda ...%@#%!#$#$!^& ... whatever feel it ...)